Okay BEFORE read this. I know that its a diary entry. So you don't need that in the reviews. Also this is only PART ONE!
And the random capitalization is just the way the M.C writes ~Mari
Entry one:
Hello all.
So this is my new journal. Kayla(Kaylas my little sister, she will probly try to draw in you!) said that I have to say dear Diary at the beginning but I don't want to. I going to tell you about me because we will be spending alot of time together.
1) My name is Maylayssa April /May-Lay-Sa/ NOT Melissa ,Easy right? No not really My Mom said her and her friend thought of that name together when she was young and fell in love with it. I like my name its unique. Moving on!
2) I Have a twin sister named Athena /we call her thena/ I have a little sister I already told you about named Kayla. And I have a big brother named John.
3) My friends are you. I have no friends because I don't like people and people don't like me. But when I'm a famous singer they will apologize but I won't listen because I don't like people.
4) My family has a lot of pets 4 cats a dog and a fish. I only have two pets that are all my own one cat Named Issy /Izzie/ and the fish is mine too. Her name is Cinnamon Toast.
5) I am a liar. I lie without thinking about it. I told a girl I lived in a different city than I really do and i told her I had a credit card and also I may have told her that I rich. Oh well. I told another girl I had a boyfriend named Justin and he moved faaaar away so she can never meet him. Oh well. I told another person that my name was Tina Kiss and that I wish they got hit in the face then I hit her. When she reported me to a teacher they couldn't find any one named that. Oh Well.
Well Journal I have to go. I'll write to you tommarow
Oh and I promise I will never EVER lie to you
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141,304 Literary Works • 674,340 Reviews
There there, dasiamari. Tinny's point is valid. We come to the forum expecting to read a story. Or, in the event that the story is not finished yet, at least read enough so we can see where the writer is going with it. For example, what if we were asked to review this and only this:
Well, if Mr. Charles Dickens submitted just his opening paragraph to a peer for a review, that peer would say, "Well, so what? What do you want me to say? Is this supposed to be a story?"
For all we know, your little bit here could be the opening to a great story, like the classic A Tale of Two Cities. But if you don't give us anything to chew on, then what do you want us to do with it?
I have not read the Dear America books, but I imagine they develop a story, correct? They introduce themselves, but then they show us a narrative, emotions, events, and so on. The problem is, you haven't shown us anything in your submitted piece. We don't know where you're going and we don't know anything honest about the narrator (she doesn't have friends and she lies...what else?).
You've given us little to critique except the voice. You've pegged the voice of "teenage girl" on the head. That's about all one can say about it. If you want a more developed review, you'll have to give us a more developed piece of writing to review.
I can say this:
A little sloppy with the punctuation and an unnecessary capitalizations there. The appropriate options go like this:
"I saw my mom driving to the store."
"I saw Mom driving to the store."
If you say "my mom", then it's lowercase. If you say "Mom", as in using it like it's her name, then it's capitalized.
Again, sloppy with your writing. Unnecessary capitalized "Have" and make that " Thena " or " 'thena ".
it's, with an apostrophe, as in "it is." But maybe that's just how the narrator writes. Charlie from Flowers for Algernon misspells all the time, so why can't a teenage girl? Just make sure you hang a lantern on it (i.e. acknowledge it), or we'll just think you're doing it wrong accidentally.
Either spell out your numbers or use numbers, but not both. But then again, that might just be how your narrator writes.
Missed a capital "I"
So, yes, in the end, proofread.
thanks
Hey dasiamari!
At the moment, this doesn't really read much like a story -- it really does feel a lot like a diary entry.
The thing is though, not an awful lot happens. We've told different pieces of information about the character and her family and pets, but there's not much in the way of actual action. This kind of thing is fine when you're writing a personal diary because it's not like anyone else is going to read it, and sometimes it's just the act of writing itself you need, for the catharsis.
However, what I do find quite interesting is the fifth point that Maylayssa has in her diary -- her lying. The little snippets of lies she's told. I think that if you were to focus on this aspect you could have a really interesting story on your hands! A girl who lies compulsively and then finds herself in all sorts of trouble when these lies eventually catch up with her would be a really interesting read, or at least that's what I think :)
I've not said as much as I'd have liked to, but as these isn't much actually physically happening in this, in terms of action, I'm not sure what else to say! In any case I hope that I've been of some help to you, if you have any questions or anything you'd like me to elaborate on, feel free to shoot me a PM and whatnot.
- tinny