Ella stood silently in her mothers black only black dress. She watched the mourners gathered around her fathers grave, it wasn't as if her mother needed the dress she had died four years ago. She stood beside her step-mother who was weeping loudly and a quite tear leaked down her face. Ellas' life had changed so much since she was nine, back then she had her mother and father and not the cold hearted women and her two hatchlings standing beside her. She glanced at her step sisters, they were following their mothers' example and sobbing loudly.
People walking by came up and comforted them but they walked past quiet Ella without a word. Her heart broke a little everytime she heared someone tell them in a hushed tone reserved for funerals and churches
"How much you must miss your dear Papa!" And they would nod and burst into a fresh wave of tears. He wasn't their Papa, he was hers'. Ella had heard her step-sisters, on many occasions, express how deeply they hated her father and his 'quaint' home.
"You must really miss you Papa." She heard a quiet voice say. If she hadn't heard that voice a million times, hadn't heard it yelling at her as she ran though fields in summer and talking quietly as she walked home late, she would have thought they were talking to her step-sisters. She turned and embraced her friend Henry, tears finally pouring down her face and sobs shaking her body. He stroked her hair and whispered that she was alright, when she felt hands on her shoulders pulling her back. She fell to the ground with the force of the yank, and looked around to see her step-mother standing over her.
"Go" She said pointing towards the house. Ella looked at the cottage and shook her head.
"I want to say goodbye to my Papa." she said quietly she was suprised when her step-mother laughed,
"You should have thought of that before he died! Now go, you have cleaning to do!"
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,254 Literary Works • 673,075 Reviews
Hey there!
~Here to review~
It's a nice story. I like the way you've presented the characters, showing how Ella feels about her family, giving the reader a general idea what sort of person Ella is. Also, the way you've shown Step-family's hostility toward her is great.
Ella stood silently in her mothers black only black dress.
This sentence confused me a bit. The part where you say 'black only black' didn't make sense to me. I think you should rephrase it like:
Ella stood silently in her mother's only black dress/ Ella stood silently in her mother's completely black dress.i/i]
You forgot to put an apostrophe (mother's). I think you've done that again in the next paragraph as well.
Ella's life had changed so much since she was nine, back then she had her mother and father and not the cold-hearted woman and her two hatchlings standing beside her.
In this line, you've connected two different types of sentences together with a comma. I'd suggest you leave it separate as it makes more sense. I mean like:-
[i]Ella's life had changed so much since she was nine. Back then, she had her own mother and father and not the cold-hearted woman and her two hatchlings standing beside her.
She glanced at her step sisters, they were following their mother's example and sobbing loudly.
The 'they' here isn't required. You can replace it with 'who'. Or if you want to keep it, I think you should put a semicolon instead of a comma.
I also found a few typos in this piece, but with a read through, you'll find them.
Overall it was a nice piece and keep writing!
-Angel
I really like your remake of Cinderella ( if that's what you're trying to do , that's how I read it). Your piece puts us the pain she went through seeing her dad's funeral and the disgust at her step-family at their hypocrisy. Reminds me of Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine a little bit. Just a few quick pointers that might make it more readable.
In this part , "Ella stood silently in her mothers black only black dress. She watched the mourners gathered around her fathers grave, it wasn't as if her mother needed the dress she had died four years ago."
You might want to change the wording slightly so it reads like this."Ella stood silently in her mothers black only black dress; it wasn't as if her mother needed the dress she had died four years ago. She watched the mourners gathered around her fathers grave."
There's a mothers you should change to mother's, and churchs to churches, there papa to their papa and "I want to say goodbye to my papa." she said quietly. She was surprised when...
Other than that (and these are really minor easy to make mistakes, I make them all the time) your piece is fabulous. I want to her more about poor Ella and her parent less fate. Keep up the work!