Hello dasiamari! storyisking here, delivering a review!
Okay, first off: I really like the idea of this poem. As dog already states, the idea of death being a playmate is fascinating, and I think you handled that way. I only have a few critiques.
I think, while this is a nice poem, there's so much potential that can make it so much better. More deph feels needed, only because it is such a great idea that you can do so much with. Reading the stanzas, I would sometimes feel just a little underwhelmed-it's as though you lead us somewhere interesting, but then hit a dead end.
"I follow her footsteps
which seem to sink into the black nothingness
that surrounds us."
The 'black nothingness' is a very cliche term that I personally feel is very overdone. My suggestion is changing it to something akin to "the black abyss"? But that is just me.
Keep up the writing! You are clearly good at it. This poem needs some work, and it is very clear you have the potential to make it even better! I look forward to reading more of your works.
storyisking~
Points: 252
Reviews: 14
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