Dance with Death

as i was reading this i felt chills going up and down my spine. you did a great job getting the words out well enough. but it could have been better. i noticed there was no ryhming scheme to it. it also had no movement or flow to it. im sorry but i give it 2 stars.

Hello!!
first of all, the title's a really common one. i saw loads of people use that title before in their works ( published and unpublished) so i was like what's so new about this. but anyway, after reading, i actually liked your rendition.it was not that over the top or anything. the flow was good. you described it, lets say, very stylishly.

"I offer my hand out
and you lightly take it.
Then you pull
me in with a yank."

here, i kind of agree with clarity. the first two lines are really good, they hooked me in. but it seems that you chopped the third line in two just about in the wrong place. another then that, a startling start with good clarity.

"The trees whisper softly
and a cold wind lingers
along the grave stones."

i love this stanza a lot. you describe the scenario with this fresh simplicity which puts me in awe.

""Dance with me"
you whisper
and your breath
smells of death and dirt
and dasies."

wow. this is good. i loved the way you described death's speech and stuff and what he smell of.

"We began our waltz
through the grave stones and grass
and the trees whisper louder
"Dance with death, dance with death."

now i personally like this stanza. maybe i just don't get it, but it seemed a little comic, disrupting the seriousness and the aura of the earlier verses.

"And I do
as you pull me in closer
I never want to leave.
But as we dance I trip.
and wake up lying by your grave."

i actually read this work last night and i think you have edited the work by then because there was technical mistake here in the third line of this stanza which now isn't. beautiful imagery anyway.

"In my hand I clutch
your daisies
then I lay them down
as I rise."

not much to say about it. it's really good just like the others.

"I walk out the yard
as the trees
whisper amongst themselves
"She danced with death, she danced with death."

awesome ending. i really liked it. the trees gossiping under their breath as she comes out of the picture, its' really raw and fun to read.

overall, i liked your poem very much and hope to see more of your work where you entertain us this much
Puck
signing off!

I kinda liked it. It was interesting how the whole thing turned out to be dream. For second there I thought it was acually happening. A lovly poem.

Hi, TazmaniaGirl to review here!
Lets begin, okay?
I think this is a great Poem. The title is a great name, and it definately wiggels it's way into the Poem.
( Sorry for my bad spelling).

I think it's a great flow for a Poem. Your moving it long slowly, telling us everything that's going on at the time.
There is a vast amount of detail in this Poem, it's just, WOW!

I think there is just one mistake that I can spot.
'But as I we dance I trip'.
I don't fully understand this.
Was it a mistake ; did you put ' as I ' accidently?
Anyway, apart from this ( which I will leave you to correct) , you have done an amazing job.
Well Done!
I hope I haven't been to harsh, and I hope you can take this all on-board.
I hope to see more of your work in the Future , maybe even in a Poem Book!!!

~ TazmaniaGirl xx

The title is good. The poem is too!

I like this, its got hidden meaning, I can't decide what to think of it really, only that it is good...

I like it when you say "the trees whisper softly" its good description.

I also like it, how you have written it as if you are talking to someone.
I personally love poems like that, i think it gives them a more special meaning...

Oh, and the structure it is written in... I think it could be changed a little... like the first stanza "Then you pull" but on the line underneath it says "me in with a yank"
I think it should be on one line, so maybe make the poem longer...? But I think it sound good the way it is, so I dont knwo how you could do that...

Anyway, well done! And good luck.

:') It is beautiful.