The throng of people back in the alley had reached its peak, black and crimson robes merging together to conceal our skin from the sunlight up above. The sphere of light beamed down on us, light dancing off the shop windows. I noted that the two busiest shops by far were ‘Valschons Vangs’ and ‘Blood & Bones’, where vampires were constantly racing in and out of, in preparation for the school year at Empous in a couple of months. Mother led the way to Valschon Vangs, the crowd parting in fear as she made her way down the street to the oak double doors.
“Come on, girls, come inside.” Mother said, gesturing for us to enter.
Avalie and I looked at each other, nervous about how this venture would turn out. I took the first step over the threshold, and Avalie followed me nervously, her fangs ironically getting chipped as she bit down on her stone-hard lip. Another girl was already inside the small building, cowering shyly behind a woman whom I assumed to be her mother. The engraver was showing her a series of intricate patterns , all of them unique, though a group of them had similar aspects, which I assumed signified their power, though I couldn’t tell which from which. The girl placed the tip of her finger on one of the patterns, and I realised that her eyes were in fact not looking at the designs, but instead were closed. Her calling was controlling everything she did.
“Splendid!” Said the fang engraver proudly, before leading the girl to a door at the back of the shop.
He knocked on the door twice, and it swung open. The engraver had a hurried but quiet discussion with the person on the other side of the door, before stepping through the door, he and the girl trading positions with another vampire and a young boy. The vampire spoke quietly to the boy, who handed over a few shiny silver coins. The boy then strode out of the room, the bell above the old oak door jingling merrily as he exited.
“Well, wel,l well,” The engraver said. “Miss Malo, it is a pleasure to meet you and your, younglings. I assume you are coming for an engraving today, or, two?” He asked, deducing whether or not he was seeing double.
“Yes, two.” Mother said impatiently. “Now where are these designs?”
“Right here my dear, right here.”
The engraver brought out a pile of design sheets, and I gazed in wonder at the intricacy and skill woven gracefully into them. He instructed us to close our eyes and think of our happiest memory. I remembered a face, not one I recognised, not by name, only barely by sight. I heard the bell jingle faintly and assumed it was mother leaving us to find our power independently, a phrase she had repeated to us countless times. I felt my hand grow numb and instinctively withdrew my hand.
“Do not be afraid, young one.” The engraver told me gently, though there was a harsher side to his tone of voice.. “Embrace your inner powers, do not let it burden you.”
Shakily, I inched my hand back to its original position, feeling my arm cool slightly as I relaxed. I felt my hand shift itself to the side and drop down, until my middle finger hit the paper. I felt something smooth underneath my nails, which I scraped along the page.
“Hmmm, very interesting.” The engraver murmured. “Very interesting indeed.”
“Sorry, what’s interesting?” I asked, my eyes flying open.
“Oh nothing, nothing.” The engraver said hurriedly. “Now close your eyes again, your sister is still deciding.”
And indeed she was. Though my finger was firmly positioned on the paper, Avalie’s was still hovering above the page, and moving as though sifting through the pieces of paper before her. I felt my eyes softly flutter close- probably the engraver's doing-, but not before I saw the place where my finger was positioned on the page. An odd positioning, somewhere you would not expect my hand to be, nor Avalie’s or mother’s.
“Hey!” I said. “How come-“
I was cut off by the engraver pushing his fingers to my lips. “Hush child. Let your sister be called.
“But how-“
“All shall be revealed in time, my dear, all shall be revealed.”
As I continued to protest with seemingly permanently closed eyes, I felt my entire body go numb. Then my body began to burn, flames flying along my skin, bones blackening as I felt the full-force heat envelope me in fire. And then the pain stopped.
I opened my eyes to see Avalie staring down at me, her symbol seemingly having finally been called.
“Are you okay?” she asked uncertainly.
“I-I-yes, I think so,” I replied, feeling the same way as I said, now that I had said it.
“In that case, follow me.” Said the engraver, though I had not even acknowledged his presence before he spoke.
We followed him through the door on the back wall, into a room where the girl was sitting with her engraver. Another woman was also in the room with them, filling out a pile of paperwork. The girl stared at us, seemingly bored with the events unfolding in front of her.
“This does seem a rather tedious process.” Avalie whispered to me. “Quite frankly, I’m not sure if I want to have to go through this.”
“Yeah, it is kind of boring.” The girl said, in an accent I was sure the other girls at my old mortal school had called ‘American’.
Avalie turned to look at her. “Mortalem.” She sneered.
“What?” I whispered back to her. “What do you mean ‘born-mortal’?”
“It means, my parents were mortal.” The girl huffed. “Is there anything else you want to comment on. I noticed you were looking a little pale. Feeling sick?” She asked coolly.
I giggled silently.
“Yes.” Avalie retaliated. “I suppose it must be from the ghastly smell of your blood. Its aroma, is admittedly, not very sweet.”
“Ghastly? Aroma?!” The girl laughed. “How old are you, like, seven hundred!”
“Actually, I am thirteen. Same age as you, if I am not mistaken.”
The girl rolled her eyes.
“Totally.” She said, dragging out the vowels.
“Okay, you got me, I’m thirteen thousand years old, but I count one year as a thousand, as do most vampires.”
“I knew it!” The girl exclaimed. “I’m Rebecca, by the way.”
“Rebecca, Rebecca, Rebecca, can you not detect sarcasm? Is that mortal brain of you so lacking in strength and any actual proper language that you cannot let any sophisticated thoughts whatsoever penetrate your thick skull?”
“Sorry, what?”
Avalie opened her mouth to speak, but I beat her to it. “Avalie, leave it.” I sighed. “There’s no point.”
“Shut up, Alite!” Avalie hissed.
Rebecca left the room the, lips pursed, as her mother shot us a venomous glare. Avalie gave me a cold look, before taking her seat in the engraving chair. The engraver sighed and knelt down beside her, wielding a glinting metal stick. A drilling sound ripped through the air, sending shivers rippling violently up my spine. The stick moved slowly, engraving my sister’s fangs carefully, making sure there were no mistakes, for the results of such an event could be catastrophic. Once Avalie was finished she jumped off the chair and slammed into me with full force as she stalked past. I took a deep breath as I took my place on the seat.
The feeling has no words suitable to describe it. The stick drilled into my fangs, carving out all of the hard, shiny material. Splinters of tooth flew in all directions, cutting into the inside of my cheeks. I felt a hot pool of blood spill out over my tongue, and it was all I could do to refrain from swallowing it down, therefore taking the drill with me and risking my chances of magic.
“There. You are finished now.” The engraver said.
I breathed a sigh of relief and jumped off of the seat, running my tongue over the icy coolness of my newly engraved fangs. The engraver hurriedly ushered us out the door as another family entered the engraving room, with several others waiting in line behind them. As soon as we were out the door, mother grabbed our chins and opened our mouths wide. She beamed as she looked at Avalie’s fangs.
“I had an engraving very similar to that when I was younger you know,” she said, puffing her chest out in pride. “It represents the elemental power of fire. Very strong, very powerful.”
“What about mine?” I asked breathlessly, hoping to receive the same kind of praise.
Mother cupped my face in her hands and examined my fangs carefully, scrunching her eyes up to work out then exact pattern woven into my fangs. She stepped back suddenly, as though pushed away by some invisible force and stalked back off down the street.
“Come on, Avalie, we have to go now.” She said.
We followed her home, both of us confused about these events, a niggling feeling loitering around in the back of my mind, though I had no idea why. We ate dinner in silence, mother glowering at me over the table, eyes full of hate and fury, a sort of fierce fire dancing in them.
“I think it is time for bed now, don’t you, girls.” She said, not wanting any words said in response.
We nodded and ran up the stairs, me feeling exceptionally worried. Avalie sank blissfully into a sound sleep, leaving me to think about what had happened today, and what in the name of Dracula it all could mean.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hello, danceof, Wolf here for another review.
I find it quite unusual that you would use double spacing between paragraphs like that, since there is already a provided space when a new paragraph is made, but that's still your choice.
This was a quite interesting chapter, with the engraving and all, but I'm not sure I like how vague it was. Sure the vagueness at the end isn't a problem, since the main character doesn't know anything because her mother refuses to tell her, but in the beginning when she choses her engraving, and she says it's in an odd position, then I don't like that you don't expand on that. Since you are writing this in first person, we should know what the main character knows. At least explain to us why it's strange. I mean she just chose a drawing on a piece of paper, so what makes it odd about the position of the drawing she chose?
Also, I kind of feel that the ending was a little rushed. You start off really drawing out the day and how they get to the engraving place, etc., etc. Then you kind of rush through the engraving process (which is fine, I can understand it'd be tedious to write it out), and then we see the mothers reaction, which is kind of curt. Then in three paragraphs, about five hours or so of stuff happens. How did dinner go? Was it awkward? Was her sister being all snotty and stuck-up that she got praised and the main character didn't? Maybe cause her to think about the day's events more, just so we can grasp how important of unusual that event was.
Finally, the conversation with Rebecca really confused me. I had to reread it several times to understand what it means, and basically, what's Rebecca's status? How are these two sisters about thirteen hundred years old while she is only thirteen and already getting her gangs engraved. Also, how did they know she was mortal born? Please maybe clear these up, cause I kind of got lost.
This was a nice little chapter, and we get a look on what the engraving is, though I thought it would be some more large and special ceremony. I like how we kind of get a better look on the relationship between the mother and the daughters, how she kind of seems to favor one over the other. Maybe just clean this chapter up a bit and it will be really good. Hope to see more. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hello!
So, first of all I wanted to let you know that this is much easier to read. I don't really mind long chapters, and I actually did read it back when all of this was just a single chapter I believe. . . from my cellphone. Still, since the story is easier to follow now I guess it was the right call.
Now, about the story. I like the idea very much, especially how the first two chapters present the whole setting quite nicely and we just follow the ideas as the story goes on. Early in the tale we know that there are different species and how they look (plus other caracteristics), which makes it easy to picture scenes quite easily; also we get plenty of clues regarding social status, and some other aspects like the existence of this "school" and the existance of mixed breeds.
I must admit that the second chapter gave a Harry Potter kind of impression. Somehow I just seem to relate one another without much of a thought jajaja but I like it.
I honestly like the cliches; like sleeping in a coffin and turning into bats or was that just bat-like wings? I was left with the doubt because in the first chapter you say they fly 'as bats', but in the next one the part 'wings sprouted out of my back, and I clung to the tips of them fiercely like a bat' made me wonder if they were literally turning into bats or not. Anyway, instead of making me roll my eyes at such ideas, it just made me laugh at it and overall I like it.
I find it a bit weird to read with this double space between paragraphs and sentences, but I could get used to it so it's really not necesary to change it, I believe.
I also like the kind of set personality each has. The sister is shy and doesn't have innitiative usually, the mother seems strict and has presence and the main character is more carefree and really an entertaining point of view to use (as in using her as the base of the narration is quite good).
The engraving idea I thought was rather cool, and how the patter was involved with the magic they'll later develope, as well how they're not chosen using your mind, but actually it's more instinctive and almost a part of you.
To finish this up, I like it so far so please keep writting!! And I do am curious about Alite's engraving and what does it mean :3