The man stood in the forest, bound by heavy metal chains. His face was twisted with pure hatred as he glared at the woman staring across at him, her eyes seeming to see nothing, though the were clearly focused on him. Him.
The one who had torn apart her world, the one who had turned everything she loved into everything she hated. Including him.
He smirked, bowing his head, as the woman's thoughts began to drift into his own mind. He won't do it. He can't do it. The man smiled cruelly. He could. The woman knew that, of course: she was simply trying to be optimistic, for the sake of her own sanity. The man did not know why she wanted to. he did not believe in such trivial things. The only thing worth having, in his mind, was power. And if one lost one's own sanity along the way, then so be it. Just like he did.
There was a snap of a twig. The woman tensed, startled, her head twisting automatically to stare at the source of the sound. A creature leapt out of the shadows, its furry head soaked with water somewhere between a liquid and a solid. A pair of red eyes flashed, and the woman froze to the ground, all her common sense gone. "Why don't they ever stay dead?"
She was gone.
"Well done, Carro," the man said, clambering on the beast's back. "Now, let's go." The beast did not move an inch. "Go," he repeated. when the creature still did not respond, he added, "or I'll rip you apart."
The beast chuckled. "You can not stop it. They shall still come forth, My Lord."
"Who?"
"The two girls. Daughters of those born from opposition, purity and the lowest bank. They will have the power to change our world. Forever."
The man registered Carro said. "Damn you."
And so Oblivion obeyed.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well, this was a pretty interesting prologue here, not to mention it was definitely complementing that title quite well to showcase a world that appears to mired in quite a few troubles here by the sound of things and it appears that a lot of change is going to be spreading across said world. Its also tough to judge exactly what sort of viewpoint we see this prologue through, whether its supposed to be someone on the good side being struck down, or vice versa or if there even isn't a specific good and bad side.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, this is an interesting start there...someone just bound in chains and a woman staring at them in quite an odd fashion there...certainly gets your attention, especially the rather strange way of observing but not quite seeing the man that this seems to be hinting at.
Okayy...well, it appears the man is potentially the actually bad guy in this scenario judging off of that, that's definitely some pretty serious accusation put on the person in chains here and well it definitely is very interesting here to start with.
Okay...well, that's certainly opening up some more interesting questions here with the talk of the thoughts flowing from the woman to the man. And of course the talk of potentially descending into madness and power certainly cements the man as being someone that probably did all those horrible things earlier but...also opens up ever more mystery as to how all that happened.
Well, that's not a good sign...it looks like we've got some sort of pretty dangerous beast getting involved somehow with that description there...and the fact that apparently common sense just vanished from the woman just because of the creature definitely adds even more mystery to what that thing could be.
Well, the way that line is written suggests there might be more happening there than this one simply vanishing, I have a sneaking suspicion this thing may have just ended up doing something quite horrible here, although it does look like this isn't exactly being super friendly to the one that it saved here either.
Okay...that ended on a very mysterious note there, a lot of very important sounding moments being mentioned there, and it seems almost like a bit of a prophetic moment there as this thing appears to be declaring whatever they did their at that time will not change anything for the world. Well, its certainly quite a note to end this prologue on here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty decent prologue here, it seems like a pretty interesting story here, and it sounds like something that I would potentially go ahead and read here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello, as a critic, I must criticize some of your work. First of all, the work is a bit mature, so it's suggested you make note of that(not all of us can read game of the thrones), which includes me xDDD.
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Also, the beginning was WAYYYYYY too boring. Description and first sentence don't work well together. I suggest putting some dialogue RIGHT BEFORE you enter the description. That way, readers can feel intense which makes them wanting to read.
The story, however, was very creative and I would like to read a lot of this type of work. It setting seems filled with trepidation and darkness, which is pretty new to a lot of readers, or for what I have read.
Also, I feel like this chapter should be like a chapter one, because it already introduces(or nearly) introduces the plot of the story. I really do like the cliffhanger, but I'm a bit confused from this prologue, is this text taken from APART of the story, or is it the beginning.
Anyways, great story, but if I were to rate this from 5...I would most certainly give it a 3.7/5, which is above average
Hello there! I'm from Wonderland, so I come from a place of insanity, but I'll do my best for your review.
Why don't we get started while we can?
I can tell that from where I want to correct from, you have a bit of two thoughts going on, and missed the y in they. However, I would change the sentence up a tish bit to make it a bit easier to understand.
'His face was twisted with pure hatred as he glared at the woman staring across at him. Her eyes seemed to see nothing, but they were clearly focused on him.'
See? This way you keep your thought in that you had at the end.
Yeah, so it does quite make sense if you just ended the last sentence and the previous to mention that she's looking at him, then mention it a third time. I would say third time's not the charm in this case. Kind of repetitive. So, I would say either take that out, or make it not as clear in the previous sentences. But, I do get the point you're trying to get across with the 'him' there. Yet, it still bugs me.
You need a subject here. Who is the one who tore apart her world? Give the missing thing in this sentence life, give it a name, tell us.
Capitalize, whoops. Just to make you don't miss it in the end.
Kind of an awkward wording. I would change it to, 'A twig snapped.' because we know a twig snapped, yes, but it does need a special blurt out, like it's saying LOOK AT ME, THIS IS REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT. That's what your wording gives off. See, if you have it the way I put it, then it's much more nonchalant. The special part about that sentence can be given by the next.
Here, the way that it happens to the woman is weird. It makes me think that she tenses, then startles, then turns her head. Wouldn't it be startling, tensing, then turning the head? That's a more natural way of doing it. If need be, you may not even need the starting, but if she has a lowered guard, then you can keep it.
Yet still, I wonder why the guy is tied up in chains, hmm. I guess I'll find out sometime. Another thing I wonder, is she tied up too? It doesn't seem like it, yet by the way they act, it does seem like it, a lot. It has that, both are waiting for their captive, tense aura. At least right now from what I've read.
Here, although I'm not going into grammar or anything like that, but the two sentences together seem odd. If she froze to the ground, I would think that it's her feet, and then all of her common sense is gone, could she still talk like that? Where her speech can stay the same and have no tremor or pause at all? It's kind of contradictory, you see. She sounds afraid, yet it sounds like she not.
As for the next part, where she's gone. What happened to her? Where did she go? I wonder. Did she just disappear or was it something more like she ran? But if she ran, how did she do that? She seemed like her feet was paralyzed with fear.
Capitalize when.
See now, it seems to me like that woman was a ghost of some sort, or at least something like that. Either that, or the beast killed her. But you didn't tell us that, so I'm confused. It's not so good to confuse a reader like this. You can confuse them in a good way, but this is not the case. What you have delays the reader in continuing the story, and should some be picky, they'll put the book down. So, I say it needs a little bit of clarifications.
Capitalize the or.
I know this is back tracking, but is the beast talking with the man bound by chains? If so, how did the man break free of them? It seems awfully like that the man is riding the beast. Which, I would think he would ride without the chains binding him, it makes riding that beast a lot harder I would bet.
The man registered what Carro said.
Wait, now who's Oblivion? Confused again. Is it that man? But no, it doesn't seem like it.
Well, that's all I have for you, hope it helped! But don't worry, I wasn't confused as much as I am in Wonderland.