z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Blood Bond (Chapter Two): Coniicio Tabernas

by danceofparchment


Many creatures jostled each other, in an exciting attempt to reach the rounded wall at the end of the street. Small elves squeaked merrily to each other about what they were going to buy. Two banks lined the cobbled streets; Nkab and Nomey. Nkab was for creatures like us-vampires, werewolves, demons, witches and wizards, and the elementals-part humans, whereas Nomey was for gnomes, dwarves and elves. We stalked our way down the street, our known regality causing many inferior beings to stare at us in amazement. When we reached the ivy-covered wall, mother grabbed a passing elf by its big, flappy, bat-like ears, and pulled its neck towards her red lips. She whispered something inaudible, even to most vampires in his ear, causing him an apparent load of emotional pain. She parted her lips, and allowed her razor-sharp teeth to sink into his throat. The elf cried out in pain, and thrashed about, trying to escape. A hole began to appear in a vampire-wide section of the wall, and expanded until it became a rectangle. We slipped through, and grinned at the sight of the familiar street that was Filvene.

I trembled slightly as I looked at the fang-carving store-Valschon Vangs- rising majestically up from the street on my right-hand side and felt a cold shiver race up my spine as I passed Feeding Frenzy, run by the owners of Blood Bath Bar.



“Okay, girls,” Mother said, getting straight down to business, as always. ”What is first on your lists?”



“Um, Romanian and Transylvanian History by Sevre Salve.” Avalie read out. “Used in the subject of History, as the title suggests.” She finished, giving me a pointed look. I did enjoy History.



Mother nodded and led us to an especially large shop a few doors down, with a sign reading Blood With Bones hanging loosely off the front door. We entered in a triangle formation, and I was astounded by the sheer amount of books which lay on the many shelves. Hundreds upon hundreds of them, all different sizes and shapes.



Small books, tall books, thick books, thin books. Books of spells, books of facts, this shop had everything.



My eyes flitted around the room, and finally came to rest on a shelf stacked high with black leather covers, bound together by elaborately wound golden spirals. I drifted absent-mindedly over to it and stroked one of the surprisingly soft covers, tracing every vein-like gap with the sharp nail on my index finger. They ran all over the cover like ants scurrying over the pavement. I opened the book slowly, running my fingertips over the creamy white pages, of a similar colour to my pale skin. I tucked the book safely under my arm and glided over to the mahogany counter which a plump, elderly demon sat behind. I reached into my pocket and took out a five pecun note. I handed it over, alongside the notebook, and watched impatiently as the demon – whose maroon nametag read Ferice Degal-counted out my change. She handed me two one pecun notes and seven dena. I nodded slightly, silently thanking the woman for her services. I then meandered over to where mother and Avalie stood, analyzing our book list.



“Romanian and Transylvanian History by Sevre Salve.”Avalie read out. “Then Enhancing Magical Powers-Grade 1 by Ivy Celeit, FangCare and Enmgraving by Mary Afpluck, Inter-species connections of the Magical World in the 14th Century by Simulan Poplain and A Guide to Magical Herbs, Plantsa and Magical Liquids by by Ingres Fall.”



“And have you got them all?” Mother asked her.

“Yes.” Avalie replied curtly.



I looked down at my own books, equipment and subjects list, which I had picked up from the hallway table earlier that day, alongside my acceptance letter.



Books(it read):



Romanian and Transylvanian History by Sevre Salve.



Enhancing Hidden Powers-Grade 1 by Ivy Celeit



Fang-care and Engraving by Mary Afpluck



Inter-species Connections of the 14th Century by Simulan Poplain



A simple Guide to Herbs, Plants and Magical Liquids by Ingres Fall



Engraved by Celeste Farlann



Elongated by Celeste Farlann



Eligible by Celeste Farlann

Subjects:



Vampiric Safety



History



Vampire Perfection



Torture Methods



I picked up the listed books, including the three optional and handed them to mother. She raised an eyebrow at the choice of optional books, for she herself did not particularly enjoy reading, but did not enquire further than shooting me a questioning look. We left the shop, sifting through our money bags, counting to see if we had enough pecun for the fang-engraving. Avalie had enough money, but I did not, as I had spent it on the notebook and the book trilogy in Bones & Blood, so we had to go to Nkab for more, or feel the wrath of the old vampire shopkeeper Vipra Elenaper.We trekked back through the stone wall, me shuddering at the thought of my mother destroying yet another innocent life, purely for the sake of us having access to Filvene.



Inside, the famous bank was made entirely of marble in varying shades of grey, white and black, though of course the last two are actually shades within themselves. Each counter was occupied by a ghost hovering silently behind it, unspoken, unseen, as though they were afraid to speak. Mother walked down the majestic marble hall, her every step echoing loudly off the high walls. She came to a stop at one of the final desks, which had a plaque bearing the name of our kind. Vampires. Each counter had a similar plaque, though a different species.

Werewolves, vampires, demons, angels, krystalytes, infeors, florins, skylars, and so many more of the part-humans which the bank served.

“How may I help you fine young va-ladies today?” The ghost asked, wary of our reaction to our species’ name.



Not all vampires liked to admit to their part in our society. Many were ashamed.



“We wish to open the Malo vault.” Mother said impatiently, irritated by the ghost girl even by this early stage in the relationship.



The ghost’s eyes widened. “O-of course madam, r-right away madam.” She stuttered, suddenly becoming frightened and nervous.



Our family’s power has never been unknown by members of the supernatural society, dead or alive, we were famous. The ghost lady hurried away to find our key, still shaking, while me, mother and Avalie stood around impatiently. Well, mother and Avalie did. I, on the other hand let my cold eyes drift unnaturally around the great marble hall, following the lady, intrigued by so many sights I had never before seen. Figures floating about, unable to be physically harmed, keeping their distance from all the normal supernaturals, owning no secrets, for they had nothing left to hide. For a peculiar moment, I felt an odd longing to join them.



“H-here it is, madam.” The ghost stuttered, bringing my vampiric thoughts back, the ones I had gained from my parents, rather than the creatures surrounding me. “Y-your key.”



Mother nodded haughtily, Avalie hurriedly following suit. I was still letting my mind wander. “Now, show us to our vault.” Mother demanded.



The ghost girl nodded, shaking slightly, and led the way to an oak door on the far wall. She opened it, the door creaking on its rusty metal hinges. “Jump.” She instructed, diving into the perilous black below.



“Well?” Mother snapped, after no further movement had occurred. “One of you, go!”



Avalie stepped back, frightened. I took a deep breath, and took on the challenge Avalie was too scared to face. I jumped, the bitingly cold air cutting into my face like a knife as the stone walls whistled past me. Or was I whistling past them. It was hard to tell when moving at this speed. Goosebumps popped up on my arms and legs, and I shivered, bracing myself for a hard landing. But it never came. Instinctively, wings sprouted out of my back, and I clung to the tips of them fiercely like a bat. They pushed out, and I began to go through glide, after passing the stages of fly, fall and -the most frightening of all-plummet. My toes touched down on the floor lightly as I glanced around at the cavernous room I was in. I took in the stunning crystal chandeliers, the deep red carpet, the blood trickling slowly down the walls like raindrops. Many doors, around a hundred of them, I expect were dotted about in random places, the space between them irregular, some tiny and narrow-most likely the vaults of minor families- and some large and wide-the vaults of the better families like us, those of regal or royal standard. A high-pitch scream came from above and I leapt out of the way in fright. Avalie landed in a heap before me, her right wing twisted the wrong.



“I really hate flying,” she said as her chin hit the ground.



I bit my lip to keep from laughing at her tone, though she herself was smiling a little. Before I knew it, I smelt a delicious taste in the air, coming from my own mouth. Blood. My fangs weren’t yet engraved by that point, so they couldn’t do much damage unless I was drinking the blood of a human, which I wasn’t. Without engraved fangs, you could only harm a human child, and even then usually not without weapons. As the drop of blood spilt on to the stones, the ghost lady drifted over.



“What happened here?” She asked, obviously assuming we had been fighting. We both laughed then, our voices rising hysterically. Neither I nor Avalie knew what had brought about this rare display of happiness, for it was extremely uncommon amongst our kind. Mother glided down softly, seemingly curious as to what the commotion was for.



“Alite, Avalie, is anything wrong?” Mother asked, noting the blood spot on the floor.



“No mother!” Avalie giggled.



“Are you certain about that?” Mother asked, using her skills to deduct what we were really thinking.



“Well, there is one thing.” I began slowly. “You see, we were just, well, just laughing!”



Surprisingly, mother’s face wasn’t contorted with rage at this explanation. On the contrary, she gave us a soothing look, one which I had never seen her give anyone before, at least, not since it happened. “It is okay,” she told us, breaking my train of thought. “It is only natural at your age. You are beginning to feel your calling, which makes you feel different from usual. It is only your powers beginning to appear.”



We nodded, managing to make sense of what she was saying. In short, our powers were appearing, which made us smile. Mother motioned for us to follow her as she swept away to a door in the centre of the room, where the ghost lady was standing with our key.



“W-would you like me to-to open the vault?” She asked nervously.



“No.” Mother said in an irritated voice. “Avalie? Will you do the honours?” She asked.



“With pleasure, mother.”



Avalie plucked the key from the ghost lady’s hand and inserted it into the silver keyhole below the door handle. She twisted it carefully in the lock, before it clicked into place and the door swung open. The vault was beautiful.



Silver and gold, and diamonds and rubies, every jewel I could think of lay before me. The light coming from the candles ricocheted off of the walls and made them glimmer and sparkle. The colours merged together beautifully, projecting bright rainbows onto the dark stone. Mother stepped over to a silver box imbedded with sapphires and picked it up carefully, frightened to break it.



“Here, Alite, this is yours," she said kindly, her unusual tone of voice surprising me.



“And this is yours, Avalie,” She told my sister, jerking her head in the direction of another box, this one with topaz.



We took our own individual boxes and flicked the catches on them as the lids swung open. Gold pecun and silver dena sparkled at us.



“Keep them safe.” Mother instructed us. “They are like your version of piggy banks, where you keep your money. You will need to cast a spell on them once you get your fangs engraved, so that you and you only can get to them.” We nodded as mother swept from the room, the ghost lady shivering as a cold draught blew over us.



“So where do you think we put these?” Avalie asked, confused as to what the answer could be.



“Just carry them just now I think.” I replied uncertainly. “We can cast a spell on them once we get our fangs engraved.”



Avalie nodded, not able to think of any other explanation, and so we left the room after mother, back to the bright light of Trilley, the light which would scorn us and burn us eternally, unless we could undo it’s effects before reaching the fang engravers.



“Do we really have to go through the biting procedure again?” Avalie asked, surprising me, for she had always seemed to relish the idea of biting anything, a human, an elf, any life form would satisfy her thirst.



“No, not if you do not wish to.” Mother said, her words also surprising me. “There is a tunnel here, see. We can simply go through it to get to the other side, provided we know which alley to get to, which we, of course do.”



I breathed a sigh of relief, making a silent vow to remember the passage, so that I would not have to bite to reach Filvene. Mother led us to a narrow side street next to Nkab, presumably where the entrance to the passage lay. The cobbled street reeked from centuries of not being cleaned, and some of the stone was broken and scattered around the sides, most likely having been kicked there by irritated passers-by. A dirty iron drain was half-buried in the ground at the end of the street, and small streams of water trickled slowly into it. Mother lifted the drain up, and Avalie and I peered down into the cavernous black pit below.



“Jump.” Mother instructed.



I nodded at Avalie and she let her body hover in mid-air for a short moment before plummeting down into the darkness. Mother swiftly followed her, and I heard her feet touch down on something slippery and slimy, before making my way down there myself. As I landed, I spied a bright yellow light coming from a glass lantern which mother was holding out in front of her. Avalie turned around as she spotted me, and motioned for me to follow her and mother, which I did obediently, searching for any excuse to escape from this disgusting, sewer-like place. We soon came to a junction, with countless tunnels leading off from the one we were standing in. Mother’s cold eyes scoured the signs against the entrances, and after a moment she led us down the one on the far right. We finally came to an end, and mother tilted her head up to gaze at the ceiling.



“There!” She said. “Can you see it?”



I followed her gaze, and indeed I could see the faint out line of a circle in the dirt above us. Mother hissed something undistinguishable beneath her breath, and a crack appeared in the circle. Cracks cut into the mud like knifes, until finally, they reached the outline and the circle collapsed, showering us in dirt.



Mother bent her knees and pushed off the ground, zooming up out of the hole.



“Come on up you two!” she shouted to us, throwing a rope down.



I grabbed onto it with both hands and started walking up the wall, the earth crumbling beneath my feet. As soon as I was up, Avalie followed hesitantly, her breathing speeding up as she climbed towards the street.



“This way girls.” Mother said, once we were all standing above the hole. As we made our way down the dark street towards the dim summer light, the ground sealed itself closed once more, leaving no traces of our secret route.


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557 Reviews


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:10 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hello, and happy review day!

I see you split that anaconda from earlier into parts. I was going to review it, but I got called away. Sorry!

And since Wolfare already got to all the other things I was going to say, I just have a few grammar comments for you. Here goes!

First off, you like to add extra commas. Most of the extras are between independent clauses, and a prepositional phrase that follows after. While you've probably been told to add commas around prepositional phrases, that rule only applies if the phrase comes before the independent clause.

My other comment is also about commas. Might I suggest using the Oxford comma in your lists? It is considered optional by many, but its use is so wide-spread that anything without it looks a little off. Also, people naturally speak using the Oxford comma, so putting it in there is helpful for those who read aloud. (The Oxford comma is used before the last 'and' in a list.)

In a final word, I am impressed with the world you've created, and more impressed by the characters themselves. Alite and Avalie have an interesting sister relationship that I don't see very often in writing--they are more like rivals than anything else I've seen sisters be. Each named character also has a distinct personality, and the fact that you've (wisely) avoided direct characterization leaves so much room for them to expand.

Hopefully, I'll catch the later parts as well, as this story is certainly interesting, and gives a fresh take on the vampire/supernatural creatures trope.

Ciao!




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 10:59 pm
artemis15sc wrote a review...



Hey there! very interesting story. You don't often see elves and vampires in the same story and I think they work well together.

Also, I was looking for chapter one but i couldn't find it? Hopefully that's not a problem...

I'm not sure how i feel about your opening paragraph. At first, it seemed too exposition-y, which is something I advise against. however, it was very short, and you quickly jumped tot he action. I think you can go ahead and describe that setting, but don't give us any background information yet. let that come later. Just describe the scene and let is sit in anticipation as we try to figure out what's happening. It will make the writing more intense and action grabbing.

And there are my general comments, let's get to some nitpicks:

She whispered something inaudible, even to most vampires in his ear, causing him an apparent load of emotional pain.
You need a comma after vampires.

Mother nodded and led us to an especially large shop a few doors down, with a sign reading Blood With Bones hanging loosely off the front door. We entered in a triangle formation, and I was astounded by the sheer amount of books which lay on the many shelves. Hundreds upon hundreds of them, all different sizes and shapes.



Small books, tall books, thick books, thin books. Books of spells, books of facts, this shop had everything.
Either delete this sentence or combine it with the paragraph above, because right now it feels a little random.


handed it over, alongside the notebook, and watched impatiently as the demon – whose maroon nametag read Ferice Degal-counted out my change.
Do we need to know the demon's name? if not, delete that phrase.

We trekked back through the stone wall, me shuddering at the thought of my mother destroying yet another innocent life, purely for the sake of us having access to Filvene.
Is this about the elf from the beginning of the book? If so, this sentence should be moved to before the book scene rather than after, as again it seems a little random.

Avalie plucked the key from the ghost lady’s hand and inserted it into the silver keyhole below the door handle. She twisted it carefully in the lock, before it clicked into place and the door swung open. The vault was beautiful.
I would delete that last sentence. it doesn't really fit with the paragraph and we'll get that the vault is beautiful by the way you describe it, without you having to tell us.

I don't know how else to say this, your story is yummy. Vampires that embrace their dark side, go to an academy where torture methods is a class, and yet have enough of a society where A mom takes her daughters school shopping? This sounds cool. Keep writing love!




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 4:01 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello, danceof, Wolf here for a review.

One thing I wanted to ask before I do any reading is, where is the first chapter? Usually second and third chapters do not make sense without heir respective first chapter to fill in with the proper events. Now I may be a little confused since there is probably information from the first chapter that is missing, so excuse anything that I ask about that so answered there.

Alright, so the beginning really, really confused me. The mother just randomly bit an elf. What? Why? What's the relevance in that? Was it to open that door or something? It just seems randomly put in there and kind of distracting. Also, I'm kind of confused on the purpose of the street names. What do different streets have to do with different species? The beginning in general just seems like random events placed together.

Another thing I notice is that a lot of this is kind of strict narration. There's not really any emotion or thoughts behind the words. I mean, even the sentences kind of all start the same way. In the part about them entering the store, at least five sentences started with the pronoun 'I'. Try to change it up a little bit with descriptions and dependent clauses, etc.

Also, I was really confused in the spot where they were going to their vault. Why did they have to jump? What was the point of it? It seemed kind of rushed to me, but to be honest I really don't know what happened there.

Back to the point of the narration, since this is written in first person, you should really embrace that and try to include what the narrator is thinking. That's one of the perks of first person, including thoughts smoothly into the narration without having to pause and say, I think, and continue on.

Despite my criticism, I still quite liked this. You easily show us this world you've created, enveloping us into this place we know nothing about, but still telling just what we need to know. I'm quite curious what this dang engraving will be. I shall continue on into Chapter 3. Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

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We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
— Mark Twain