*This story is underneath my folder titled “Some kind of monster land”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
Chapter One-Who am I?
Hello, whoever you are. I have no idea why I am saying this or even thinking this, but I feel like there is somebody out there who can hear me.
My name is Ralph Don Pitch and I am a ten year old werewolf who also practices witchcraft. Since my Mom is a witch, me and my older brother, Alfonso, are automatically programmed to have witch powers. My Dad isn’t very skilled at witchcraft, though. Just me and Alfonso.
I live in a town where all of the houses are covered in cobwebs and the cobblestone streets are rickety to cross. I don’t know anything about the place I live in except that it’s for “monsters” and apparently, humans used to live there, but they all left.
I kind of would like to know why.
Chapter Two-Many questions
I’m walking down the street, trying my best not to trip on the rocks. It’s not very easy walking here, but I like that the sun has an orange-golden glow. The air smells sweet with a hint of spice, which is what happens when it’s October.
Jenny, a clown-doll girl who is the same age as me, likes to say that she went to the human land with her vampire-siren friend, Valencia, on Halloween, but that’s not true, because it’s Halloween season now. They actually left on June. Jenny likes to lie a lot. My Mom says that it makes her feel better.
I don’t understand how lying can be good at all, but my parents tell me that I don’t get to judge Jenny since I don’t know her, so I don’t. But I just wonder-
I see a white fog forming in the distance, turning into….Eddie! My friend! He’s a skeleton, but he’s also a ghost, so he can appear as a fog before truly materializing!
Chapter Three-Concerns
“Hi, Eddie! How are you?” I ask, running up to him.
He stays where he is, not even floating to me, looking down at the ground…well, as much as he can with just his eye sockets. He also looks like he’s very, very sad, but that’s just how he looks. I think he’s very happy when he appears to be sad.
“I’m okay, Ralph. How about you?”
“I’m fine too! Kind of…”
“What’s wrong?” Eddie asks. His facial expression can’t actually change, since it’s just a skull, but I think I hear it in his voice that he’d raise his eyebrows at me if he had any.
I don’t know if I should tell him what I’m worrying about or if it’s not that important. I don’t even know who you are, so I can’t ask you.
My parents always said that a real friend will stay no matter what, so maybe…
Chapter Four-All the eyes
“Do you ever feel like you’re being watched?” I ask. I know that Jenny is the one who sounds most insane, but I think that I sound alright enough for him to not question me.
If Eddie did have eyes, I feel like they would look worried, because he says a bit quietly:
“Yes, I do. And it’s not like the feeling of being watched by Jenny, either. It’s something more.”
Yes! Yes, that’s exactly it! Because it’s one thing to be watched by Jenny, but completely another to feel like something else is watching us.
Speaking of which, Jenny has been acting a bit weird.
Chapter Five-Wondering
When she and Valencia got back from the human land, Jenny was all upset and didn’t want to talk to anybody. I thought that maybe they had some kind of friendship argument or something because of how it looked, but then things got back to normal the next day.
But yesterday, at school, this demon-angel girl, Beatrice, demanded to have Jenny’s chocolate cookie and so, Jenny threw up that cookie in her face. It was disgusting but not too surprising for Jenny.
The thing that is surprising is how Jenny hasn’t left her house. Not even Valencia knows why. I’m not complaining, but it is something to think about.
Chapter Six-On the steps
“Do you want to ask some of the other kids if they feel the same way?”
Eddie nods, so the both of us begin to look for the other kids that live in this town. I’m not sure what we are supposed to do if we feel like we’re being watched but don’t know who is watching us, so I guess asking other kids will help.
I see Josh sitting on the front steps of his house, scribbling something in his notebook with his claws, his white eyes, though lazy, still looking focused. He looks undead and yet otherworldly, a result of being a zombie-alien.
I think Josh is writing a love poem about Jenny. Everybody knows that Josh likes Jenny except Jenny herself. I don’t understand how Josh can even like her because she’s…her, but he does.
I hope that he doesn’t bring up Jenny when we talk to her.
Chapter Seven-Musings? Or rantings?
“Hey Josh. Do you feel like something is watching you?”
Josh turns up and looks at me, a goopy grin on his face. It’s goopy because there is black goo coming from his mouth and the way that he smiles, so wide and so grotesque, can only mean one thing.
“I can feel it in the air that it is Jenny! Only Jenny would be watching me, because it is what she does and it is much deeper, much more-“
“It is deeper, but it’s not Jenny. Me and Ralph wanted to know if you felt like it was something else that was watching you. Do-“
“No, Eddie, I don’t! It’s Jenny and it’s only Jenny!” Josh screeches before getting his notebook and pencil and storming into his house.
Geez, I didn’t expect him to get so mad about it. I guess Josh hasn’t felt anything strange and if he has, then he hasn’t noticed.
At least there are others here to ask!
Chapter Eight-Down the road
Me and Eddie walk some more, Eddie’s bottom half becoming skeletal legs so that he can walk instead of float. I can’t believe that you are still here, but you are and soon, we’ll find out who you are.
We’re looking for anybody to talk to, anybody to ask. So far, there are just dilapidated, forgotten, cobwebbed buildings…but wait…hold on…
I hear singing.
Chapter Nine-A melody
It’s singing that is both sad and happy, singing that sounds sweet and evil. It’s a song that goes like this:
“Hear I will stay
Waiting for the lost to come my way
I feel my sanity beginning to fray
You’re not going to be prey”
It’s Valencia, practicing her siren skills. She’s singing a song that is supposed to lure potential victims to her, but since there are no humans around and she’s just practicing, it doesn’t affect us.
We walk towards her singing, towards her twisting, turning voice. Her song is nice enough, but the lyrics need work. They’re not scary enough. I’m not gonna tell her that, though. She’ll get mad at me.
Chapter Ten-Suspension
The singing has led us both to a stone fountain, where an angel stands in the middle, her face covered in extensive cobwebs, muddy water spouting out of her mouth.
Valencia is sitting in the water, staring at us both as if we’re insignificant. She looks at everybody that way, but right now, it’s with extra annoyance.
“I was singing my song! Must you bother me with your idiotic worries?” Valencia asks, her words as pointed as her stare.
I take a deep breath and:
“Before you go around insulting us, I just wanted to know if you ever feel watched. Me and Eddie think that something is watching us. Listening to us right now, even. Do you sense it too?”
Valencia puts a clawed hand to her face and taps it as if she’s thinking deeply. I hold my breath, Eddie holds an undead breath and we wait.
Chapter Eleven-The voices
“Yes, but those are just voices! Everybody in this town can hear voices wailing in their minds! Tis’ the curse of being a monster! Now, leave me be, as I am practicing my singing! Go!”
“But-“
Valencia uses her tail to splash water at the both of us before she swims away. Me and Eddie can follow her, but I think she’s going to keep swimming away from us and I don’t want to keep chasing her.
“Let’s…let’s go look for the others.” I say.
I can’t help but feel defeated and you listening in doesn’t help, either.
Chapter Twelve-Finally, somebody understands!
I think that the next house we would have to go to is Jenny’s house. She hasn’t been in a very good mood for some time, so I hope that she’ll be able to talk to us.
Me and Eddie begin to walk-
“I’ve been sensing something else watching us!”
We stop. The voice spins in a way that feels similar to choking for anyone who hears it and I feel bad that I forgot about her.
We both turn around and see that it’s the demon-angel, Beatrice.
Chapter Thirteen-Great, gone again!
“There is a human who is watching us! I think it’s the human who forces all the monsters to watch cartoons, just from sensing how powerful she is, but I wouldn’t recommend trying to find her. Unless you want to go missing. But good luck trying to find the source!” Beatrice says, walking-walking away from us!
“Don’t go away! Give us more details! Tell us who you think the human is! Don’t…don’t…BEATRICE!” I yell out, running after her.
She’s walked somewhere into the neighborhood, but I don’t see her anymore and there are still two other kids to ask.
Maybe they will be more helpful than Beatrice.
Chapter Fourteen-On another path
“Do you think that we should just look for this thing by ourselves? If nobody is going to help us then maybe we should stop asking others.” Eddie says.
Hmmm…he is right about a lot of the monsters not being the most helpful. Perhaps we should look for you ourselves, but how are we supposed to know what to do if we don’t know where to look? It’s a good idea, but it won’t work right now.
“We still haven’t asked the others. Come on, let’s go look for Jenny.” I say.
Eddie looks doubtful, but he follows me.
We both walk to Jenny’s house, a small sense of fear in both of us, but still undeniably there.
Chapter Fifteen-Crazed colors
The cobblestone streets are beginning to get brighter, so bright that they take all of the colors of the rainbow and have some polka dots on them. When we get close to certain houses, the streets change based on who lives in the nearest.
The colors and the polka dots mean that Jenny’s house is just ahead. Eddie doesn’t get dizzy, since, again, he is undead, but I have to hold onto his claw and look up as I walk, because this is all just too much.
Chapter Sixteen-Towards the house!
We’ve been walking for some time, but I see it! Jenny’s house! The one that is painted a bright scarlet red and has magenta stripes going up and down! The roof is purple and the house is tilted a bit on the right side. The colors do not match at all, but I hold tight to Eddie’s claw so that I don’t fall and we keep on walking.
“Are you sure you want to come in here? We could turn back.”
Eddie knows that these kinds of colors and patterns put together make me feel all woozy. I would very much like to go back home and forget about all of this, maybe even look for safety pins, but I shake my head no and we go on.
I can’t chicken out now.
Chapter Seventeen-The wait is the worst
Once we get to the house, Eddie knocks on the door and we wait. I don’t think that we have to wait for long, since Jenny normally slams doors open, so I’m thinking that any minute now, she’ll open the door.
Any minute now…come on Jenny…it’s not like she’s that upset…but could she be? Why would she be upset? No, she has to open the door…she has to-
“Leave me alone!”
Chapter Eighteen-Emotional disturbance
That was her. That was Jenny who opened the door and yelled at us, tears streaming down her face. They were black, goopy tears from her clown makeup, except her clown makeup isn’t makeup, it’s part of her face, so really, a part of her face was dripping down…but she was crying. Why was she crying? Jenny never cries.
I feel a little scared about this right now. My tail is tucked in between my legs and I can still sense you watching, listening, judging. I wish that I knew who you were. I wish I knew how I could get rid of you.
“There’s still one more monster to talk to.” Eddie says, squeezing my claw in a nice way. If his face weren’t already a skull, I think that he would be smiling at me.
Yes, there is. It’s not over yet.
Chapter Nineteen-A pretty path
We’re walking to where the dark woods are. Some call it a forest, some say it’s the woods, but either way, they’re all dark and spooky and they’re supposed to lead us to the human land.
Well, not really, it’s just spacious enough to dig a hole to go into the human land. Mr. Smells-like-the-dead told us. He tells us a lot of stuff. But he’s never told us a lot about himself. He’s a nightmarish clown, so maybe there is nothing more to him than that. But isn’t there always something more to someone? I don’t know, that’s just what I think.
There’s another path here too. One that is all bright and sunny. It’s where flowers grow and birds sing. There’s a sparkling blue pond here that looks too nice to be real. It’s where Eirisse and her family live.
Eirisse is the same age as me, Eddie and the other kids. She’s not very scary, though. She’s a fairy-mermaid. I never talked to her before because I don’t think she likes me. One time I said that I didn’t understand why she called herself a mermaid and not a siren and she said that mermaids and sirens weren’t the same thing.
I haven’t tried talking to her since. I’m a bit anxious, but I will still walk this path.
Chapter Twenty-Descending in the sparkles
We make it to the blue pond, surrounded by butterflies and flowers and a sweet scent that has nothing to do with Halloween candy and everything to do with the petals. It always feels like Spring here, no matter the season. I can feel myself shaking so much that I feel like I’m going to shatter. My throat feels all closed up when I try to speak. Eddie looks at me like I’m silly, but I can’t help it! Being here is scary.
“Eirisse! We want to ask you a question!” Eddie yells out.
There’s nothing. I hear a hummingbird, though. It sounds too good to be here and it’s creeping me out. Why is it chirping like that? Why-
“Hello! What is it?” Eirisse asks, sticking her blond head out of the water. Her green eyes are glittering with the water dripping off of her eyelashes. She’s smiling at both of us, which brings out her freckles more. I don’t understand why she’s smiling, though. I thought that she hated me.
“We think there’s a human watching us. Do you-“
“Yes! I can sense her, from far over there.” Eirisse says, pointing towards the woods, where Valencia and Jenny traveled to the human land.
“Her name is Andrea and she wants to get revenge on us all by giving us mindless cartoons! I saw her in a dream once…but don’t dig! You’ll get lost easier…let me help you!” Eirisse beams.
Wait, what does she mean? I-
Eirisse has taken each of our claws and pulled us into the water. Wow, she’s strong!
I hope we don’t get hurt, though. I’ll curse her if that happens. I don’t want to, but a monster has to do what a monster has to do.
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Canary word: Present
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Hello again!
This felt like while it still had your usual "spooky voice" there were elements of a sort of "spooky-sweet" pov too - almost reminiscent of "The Nightmare Before Christmas" vibes.
A few things I thought you nailed!
Character Design - Your characters in this as usual were super creative. Combining some classic archetypes like the zombei-alien / clown-doll / skeleton-ghost made the character cast feel really fresh and interesting, with some unique layers to explore.
Strong Sensory Details Throughout - You do a great job describing the setting. The "orange-golden glow" of the October sun and the "sweet with a hint of spice" scent of the air create a cozy, autumnal mood that perfectly fits the theme you were going with.
Overall Plot is Pretty Intriguing - Ralph’s awareness of the reader is a clever hook - and gave a sense of "being watched" throughout.
A few growing edges:
Pacing and Chapter Length - I think this is something I've brought up in a couple reviews of your work, but currently, the chapters are very short (sometimes only a paragraph). While this can work for a fast-paced "diary" style, it can feel a bit choppy. Grouping some of the chapters together might make the story flow a bit more naturally in my opinion. There were also a few places that I felt like there was sort of a descriptive tangent that felt a bit unnatural without adding to the plot, but rather breaking us away from the narrative.
Heighten the stakes of the Conflict - While the mystery of the "watcher" is good, it's somewhat unclear to me why Ralph is so afraid of that... Expanding on why a cartoon is a threat to a monster would raise the stakes and make the tone even more spooky for the reader.
Overall, intriguing premise and even more creative characters! Thanks for sharing!
alliyah
You%u2019re welcome and I am glad you liked it!
I wanted to mention that I really like the idea of a school for hybrids/monsters. Forgot to say that in the last chapters.
From what I see in this, I can only repeat my previous tips: try to slow down, figure out exactly what you want to convey in each chapter and try do really immerse the reader in that. For example this sentence is very …overloaded with information: “ Since my Mom is a witch, me and my older brother, Alfonso, are automatically programmed to have witch powers. My Dad isn’t very skilled at witchcraft, though. Just me and Alfonso.” And with the repetitions, it’s not very engaging to read.
Why do I have the feeling like this is a bit of a fourth wall break. Technically readers are watching the scenes unfold too…
I like all the different hybrids you show and I really like Valencia’s singing. It kinda reminds me a bit of Eerie from the other story.
Oh, I didn’t expect this to be about a human! I wonder why Beatrice knows all this? Is it bc she is also half-angel?
Jenny still upset bc Valencia tried befriending a human over her, huh.
Oh okay, did not expect the chapter to end where it did. Also, interesting that a fairy mermaid has the ability to sense things from afar. I’m trying to figure out the logic there.
Also. Dialogue formatting. Remember the comma.
This is a Halloween series so I%u2019ll upload the other stories around that time.
Thx for reading and yes, it kind of is a fourth wall break.