*This story is under my folder titled “Salem, Daisy, and other lost souls in Cherry Brook”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy! The top half of Salem is human, bottom half of him is snake.*
Every day and night was the same. Athan would wail pitifully from his monster curse, Christian was slinking through the shadows, cursing any person who laid eyes on her to die, and Eerie…well, she was looking for more people to curse.
Salem was slithering through the woods, his snake tail rustling on the leaves. His stomach was empty, in search of mice to eat. There was still the human part of him that felt guilty about taking lives away, but that was a small part that faded in and out of his soul.
There was a careful tapping on the leaves that could only be the telltale sign of human footsteps.
Salem looked up from the dirt ground and felt quite the delight when he saw that there was a blond haired girl around his age walking throughout the woods, the ends of her nightgown dirt-stained. By the way she looked around, it seemed like she already knew her way around, but that the particular part of the woods she was in was new to her.
Salem felt a smile creep up his lips as he slithered closer, closer…
“A human? Out here? Why, what a treat!” Salem said, squeezing his tail around the girl’s body extra tight so that she wouldn’t run.
Her face flushed a little as she studied his tail. It must have astonished her, how the top part of him was human and the bottom part of him was a snake. His heart felt all strangled, thoughts of kissing her and eating her skittering around in his mind.
“Eyes up here, m’lady.” Salem said, fighting internally to keep the giggle out of his voice.
The girl looked up, transfixed by his eyes. Christian said that he had bright, tantalizing eyes. Eyes that she could sense were around ever since he was human, eyes that he was born with.
“What’s your name? Why are you here?” Salem asked, taking care not to let her go. For why ever would he ruin the fun?
“Oh, I’m Daisy! I just like to come here to relax and to find a certain magic in the air. The whole town calls me a witch just because I do these things, but I don’t even practice magic! I’m not a witch…yet. But what about you? What’s your name?” Daisy asked, seeming to regret her words.
No, no! She didn’t need to worry, he could watch her face light up as she talked every day, hear her words every night!
“Salem. Salem is my name. I’ve had a somewhat similar predicament to you. I used to be human but I got too caught up in the fae world and now I am this. The human world had called me a monster for even trying to seek more. I am sorry that they are treating you the same way. I see not much has changed.” Salem said.
Oh, why ever would they call such a sweet thing a witch? He sensed no malevolent aura from her and she was just the cutest little creature! Why, he could eat her up!
“You don’t need to be sorry. I’ve learned to live with it.” Daisy beamed.
Ah, great! She was happy with herself. Salem felt a sorrow bloom inside of him, something that he always tried to push away.
But he didn’t let it fade. It was raw and real, Daisy deserved to feel some slight truth about him. A truth about him that wouldn’t make her worried or frightened.
“I’m glad that you’ve got a positive outlook. It’s good that you’re not upset with who you are. The worst thing is hating the body that you live in.” Salem said, looking down at his own snake tail.
The snake tail he was cursed with, the snake tail that made him feel like a monster, the snake tail that had terrified so many.
If only he could believe his own words.
“Say, do you mind if I keep you for the night? I’m awfully lonely tonight and I would most appreciate your company.” Salem said.
If she wanted to run, that was understandable. He was squeezing his tail all around her waist. Yet at the same time, he didn’t want to let go, because if he did, then she would go on saying such awful things about him and then the hunger would return, he’d ravage her like a beast. After the hunger would come the loneliness and then it would all start back up again. He wasn’t sure how long he could on with the creature that he was.
Daisy didn’t run. Instead, she smiled and said:
“I’m just fine spending the night with you! Whatever can make you feel better, Salem. These are trying times that we’re living in.”
Salem could have hissed with joy, but he stopped himself before he could make any embarrassing noises. Loosening his hold on her just a bit, he led her far, far away, to where his cave waited. It was dark and lightless, the only brightness being the flowers that grew in between the cracks in the rocks.
Perhaps it would be comfortable if she slept in the coils of his tail. If that was the case, then he wouldn’t let her go. Not until the morning. Not until she had to go home.
Until then, she would stay by his side. He wouldn’t be alone, just for the night.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hmmm I’m surprised that Salem’s mind has deteriorated this much. You talk abt him being guilty abt eating mice and in the next breath here he is, toying with a random, human girl.
I think this is what rly makes him a monster. Also… why is Daisy so calm, despite not quite being a witch yet? This dude just captured you, do SOMETHING!
But at the same time, it’s an intriguing reaction, that she doesn’t panic.
That said, I’m just very confused by both these characters. I wish we would have gotten more abt what made Salem turn his back on humanity, more lingering on just how much his new experiences as a monster shunned by humanity have cost him and more insight in how he turned the way he turned ☹
I have a lot more stories of them that I have not posted yet, I%u2019ll post them someday.
Thx for reading!
Hi, Dragon here.
This is a tiny nitpick of mine, but I think the transition here could be smoother by adding the moment he makes contact with her. Something like: closer, closer... got her, he thought as his tail made contact with her body, coils squeezing her soft body tightly.I've seen a lot of your work in the green room lately and thought I'd give it a look.
That was straight dragon FIRE
(The things I enjoyed)
This first thing I noticed is all the characters cursing things. This and Salem's first thoughts tell me how dark the story is, and entice me to find out more about the other characters you mention.
I was a bit surprised by how calm Daisy was when first captured by Salem's tail, and the mix of almost contradictory thoughts was strangely enticing. (I'm not into vore but I find scaled creatures like lamia fascinating) and the way you describe his eyes makes this character even more interesting. I wonder how strong their effect is.
The brief story of loneliness and rejection was sad and even a little relatable. Being an outcast hurts and can definitely drive a cycle of bad things that only serves to push people further away. You often need someone like Daisy, who accepts you, to halt or even reverse such cycles. A supportive friend (or lover) can have a big impact on someone like this.
I would definitely love to see more of the story of their relationship.
Some loose scales
(My critiques)
I would have also love a description of how the contact between them made Salem feel. Did he feel mostly clothes or skin? Did she feel delicate or perhaps enticingly soft? I just love those kinds of details.
Also, don't forget to use heat and cold, they make for great descriptors describing feelings and emotions.
I don't like to correct much for spelling, but one thing I thought to mention is the period at the end of the sentence when a character is talking. If you have something like "he/she said" or "Daisy beamed." you end the line with a comma rather than a period.
For example: "I’ve learned to live with it,” Daisy beamed.
or: I’m awfully lonely tonight and I would most appreciate your company,” Salem said.
here there was something missing between "could" and "on"
And that's all the critiques I had! This was well done with no spelling errors and great emotions.
As mighty wing soar overall
I enjoyed both of these characters and will likely look at some of your other work involving their relationship (do you have any at the moment?).
I hope both of them can help each other feel accepted with who they are and find ways to tolerate the human world.
Final wisdom of the dragon friend
I was tantalized by the nature of their relationship and wonder how it will progress. It is a good idea to keep a reader on the hook but if a relationship like this switches direction too often or goes nowhere for a while it can feel almost agonizing.
But I'm no expert so take this advice with a grain of salt.
May blazing dragon-fire light your path and ignite the flames of your inspiration.
Don%u2019t worry!!! They do not break up!!! But Daisy herself will become a monster!!!
Curiosity snatched up the snake
That%u2019s Salem%u2019s origin %u2B06%uFE0F
Tale 26 is Daisy%u2019s origin: 31 Hellish Halloween Tales (Part Three) (Tales 22-31)
Tale six features both of them:
31 Hellish Halloween Tales (Tales 1-8) (Part One)
Oh and the eating thing was a romantic metaphor but I%u2019d get why you would think that tbh.
Thanks for the stories with them in it. I'll definitely check it out.
Cool beans