Young Writers Society

Hey there! You have such an amusing start to your story, and something about it just pulled me in. Although the beginning sentence is rather long and holds a lot of information for being the first sentence, it gets directly to the point in that amusing fairy tale sort of way.

Your narrative is pretty fast-paced, which is good and bad. Some dialogue could help to slow it down in a few places. Also, I think it would be beneficial to be a bit more specific as to who you're talking about instead of just using the pronoun "he" all the time. It can get a little confusing to follow when we're not sure which character those pronouns are referring to.

Often your sentences could benefit from either being split up or having some punctuation between separate phrases.

We get a lot of information in this first chapter, while at the same time knowing very little of the world you're building or the main character. You can use that to your advantage if you weave the details in skillfully, but make sure you don't leave your readers in the dark.

I really like how you've already established the main quest in this chapter. The way you end the sentence by reorienting us with that specific quest is great.

That's all for now. Keep writing!

Hey, Alice is here to give a review!!!!

Firstly, this story is amazing, it could make a good novel just lengthen it a bit a add details. The plot is good, the grammar is nice just little bit mistakes. It was a nice read overall!!!


SUGGESTIONS

The thing I want to suggest you is that don't make your sentences too longer, try to put a comma in between or split the sentence. Because then it sounds better and too long sentences are sometimes confusing. Like here~

While in his rage he thought of a plan that he thought was amazing he thought that he was going to retrieve the magic wand of evil and blow up the entire kingdom.

On one fine evening Link decided to go to the kingdom of derpiness, but sadly he never returned because someone there was named derpy Link and he was the hero there when Link came Derpy Link was jealous of him and decided to smite him.

On one fine evening Link decided to go to the kingdom of derpiness, but sadly he never returned because someone there was named derpy Link and he was the hero there. When Link came Derpy Link was jealous of him and decided to smite him.

he thought was weird because he thought that they should know of all the warriors and hero's of this world.

never returned because someone there was named derpy Link

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this certainly sounds pretty interesting...but as a first chapter it has its issues...I really liked the idea though which I why I wanted to leave a review here....well let's see how this goes.

Anyway let's get right to it,

On one fine evening Link decided to go to the kingdom of derpiness but sadly he never returned because someone there was named derpy Link and he was the hero there and when Link came Derpy Link was jealous of him and decided to smite him. But when everyone at the kingdom of derpiness found out that derpy Link killed the Link they all hated him and decided to banish him from the kingdom of derpiness and to never come back ever again! While in his rage he thought of a plan that he thought was amazing he thought that he was going to retrieve the magic wand of evil to blow up the entire kingdom. But knew that he needed some place to live so he thought to go to the town of the warriors and of course they had no idea who he was or who Link was which he thought was weird because he thought that they should know of all the warriors and hero's of this world. But they still let him stay there and get trained and to leave after he was trained. He worked hard and was desperate to learn how to be the best fighter in the world. In the beginning he was not doing so well but he didn't care he knew that he would get better over time but needed them to keep on helping him out until he was ready. After the first day of training he was amazed by the food they had for dinner. He was never used to seeing this much food on one table and since he was pretty poor back at home he just couldn't believe it. Everyday he was pushed to his limit at first he had no progress but they said eventually there will be progress. After almost a whole year he realized he was defending the attacks better and getting a great offense in when they least expected it. They all looked at each other with the same face of shock because he didn't know that he somehow accidentally taught himself the ways of Master Shifoogway. Master Shifoogway was a legendary hero and one day Master Shifoogway disappeared and to be never heard of again. Some say he was banished to the underworld after defeating the most dangerous dragon in the world known to man kind! Now they all had to bid farewell to him even though they didn't want him to leave because they wanted to know how he learned to fight like that. But he said that he must go and do what he must do. He then got on a horse they gave him and he started his journey for the wand of evil.