Hey, there! This is a cool story! I feel like there's an element of mystery to the fact that something bad happens each time a festival is held. You have some great ideas going on here.
I would mention to be careful about punctuation and grammar. Remember to use quotation marks around the words a person speaks. I don't think I saw any of them, so make sure you're not leaving them out. Using quotation marks makes it much easier to read and to tell when a character is speaking. Another thing to look out for is run-on sentences. Especially in the first and third paragraphs, there is no end punctuation, like a period at the end of a sentence. This is very important basic punctuation, so make sure you're not forgetting to include it.
I like the unusual world you've written in this story. Your imagination has given us some cool things! However, some basic information on the characters would be nice - like their ages and perhaps some physical descriptions - stuff like that. Also, you just randomly throw Gabe and Dylan on the scene, but you don't tell us who they are. Are they Owen's friends who are his own age? Are they big, muscular men? Are they the Chief's sons? Are they sly hunters, or was their catch just random? Stuff like that will give us a clearer image on your characters.
The last thing I will mention is your change in point of view. First of all you started out by saying, "Hello, my name is Owen," indicating that the story is being narrated by Owen from his own perspective. However, by the time the chapter ends, you are mentioning Owen by his name rather than by first person pronouns, such as "I," "me," "my," etc., which would show that Owen is telling the story. By the end, we are seeing the action from a third person's perspective.
Well, that's all I have to say. Hope it makes sense!! Keep developing your talent with writing!
Points: 13629
Reviews: 215
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