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E - Everyone

Owen's story chapter 1

by crazybanana505

Hello my name is Owen but things here are different from everywhere else because we have the weirdest animals and plants like the pirahna plant that would eat anyone who bothered it. A plane that was headed to here crashed in the water and it washed ashore and we saved all the survivors only two people were killed and three were injured we gave them food and water we also taught them how to survive and fight on this island. One day they had disapeared and we found them hunting a maker which has fifty pounds of meat on it but they are really hard to kill because they can strike you twice and then your dead but the maker is asleep so they are being very quiet and we watched them to see if they can kill it. Yes, they had killed it and then they saw us and looked like they thought were gonna do something to them but no

our chief said were gonna have a festival and we will honor who killed the maker.

I was so happy because the maker was the best tasting meat that i ever had but too bad everyones to scared to go hunt it down because they like to live with the pirahna plant guarding them. When someone kills one then we always have a festival and we get all the best food with everything that we have but something bad happens during the festival like a big wave takes the festval food away including the maker and we get super sad thats why now were gonna change it up when you get to the festival you are required to take a piece of the maker not a small piece a huge piece. but things are changing because the island is shrinking and we have to keep moving our village to a safer location because some people wake up with water right next to them then we need to move our village higher up. Everyone is at the festival now the Chief will be announcing the people who killed the maker.

Now i want these people to come up here Dylan and Gabe now these two people killed the maker and i want these people to be reconized do you guys want to say something.

Yes i do said Dylan we wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for you guys to be saving us and teaching us how to survive and how to hunt animals out here we just want to thank you all.

We all were enjoying the food until a big storm hit and we all had to take shelter but all the maker that we had left and now we just have to wait for the storm to end so all we were doing was talking untill it ends. When it ended the whole entire festival was flooded to the sea Dylan and Gabe were sad when they saw it all flooded away that was a very sad day. The very next day we told Dylan and Gabe that when ever we had a festival something bad had always happened.

Why didn't you tell us this before the festival had happened so we knew and we would be prepared for something bad to happen said Gabe.

Well we didn't want you guys to worry about something bad to happen and keep on waiting for something bad to happen Gabe said Owen.

At least now we know that whenever we have a festival that something bad is going to happen and we willdo the festival up higher than down here so then we can continue the festival said Dylan

We can try to do the festival up higher next time we have one said Owen.

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100 Reviews

Points: 5531
Reviews: 100

Tue Dec 03, 2019 4:48 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...

Hey, there! This is a cool story! I feel like there's an element of mystery to the fact that something bad happens each time a festival is held. You have some great ideas going on here.

I would mention to be careful about punctuation and grammar. Remember to use quotation marks around the words a person speaks. I don't think I saw any of them, so make sure you're not leaving them out. Using quotation marks makes it much easier to read and to tell when a character is speaking. Another thing to look out for is run-on sentences. Especially in the first and third paragraphs, there is no end punctuation, like a period at the end of a sentence. This is very important basic punctuation, so make sure you're not forgetting to include it.

I like the unusual world you've written in this story. Your imagination has given us some cool things! However, some basic information on the characters would be nice - like their ages and perhaps some physical descriptions - stuff like that. Also, you just randomly throw Gabe and Dylan on the scene, but you don't tell us who they are. Are they Owen's friends who are his own age? Are they big, muscular men? Are they the Chief's sons? Are they sly hunters, or was their catch just random? Stuff like that will give us a clearer image on your characters.

The last thing I will mention is your change in point of view. First of all you started out by saying, "Hello, my name is Owen," indicating that the story is being narrated by Owen from his own perspective. However, by the time the chapter ends, you are mentioning Owen by his name rather than by first person pronouns, such as "I," "me," "my," etc., which would show that Owen is telling the story. By the end, we are seeing the action from a third person's perspective.

Well, that's all I have to say. Hope it makes sense!! Keep developing your talent with writing!

Thanks!!!!! Dylan and Gabe were passengers on the plane that crashed on the island.

WinnyWriter says...

Aha, got it!

Oh and also i tend to write like I talk which is why i have run on sentences

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105 Reviews

Points: 1197
Reviews: 105

Sun Dec 01, 2019 11:43 pm
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LZPianoGirl wrote a review...

Ok, the plot to this story was great, wonderful, fantastic, whatever adjective you want to use. I could tell you thought about it a lot and you included many details about things. Now, let's get to why I am reviewing. Please take this as constructive criticism and not me being rude, because I am not trying to be rude. You are not the best at punctuation and grammar.

For example, the last sentence:
We can try to do the festival up higher next time we have one said Owen.
This sentence should be:
"We can try to do the festival up higher the next time we have one!" Owen said.

Now i want these people to come up here Dylan and Gabe now these two people killed the maker and i want these people to be reconized do you guys want to say something.
Should be:
"Now I want these people to come up here. Dylan and Gabe! Now these two people killed the maker and I want them to be recognized. Do you want to say something?"

The reason I switched "these people" to "them" is because you had already said "these two people" in the sentence before, and it sounds wrong and confusing when you use the same or similar terms. I also changed "Do you guys want to say something?" To "Do you want to say something?" Because it sounds better. Besides your grammer, punctuation, and a few spelling issues, the plot is marvelous. Keep on writing, reading, and improving. Merry (early) Christmas!

The plot is wonderful, you really need to working on punctuation and grammar. It was very confusing to read.

Ok i will try to work on my puncuation and grammar and thanks for reading the first chapter merry early Christmas.

You cannot understand and disagree.
— P. D. Ouspensky