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E - Everyone

Owen's story chapter 2

by crazybanana505


Man I'm glad that were done with what had just happened with the festival thing but we got a message somehow saying there's gonna be a rescue team to rescue us. But the problem is that we don't know who sent it which we thought was weird so I reported the message to the chief and he said.

"I don't know who sent it I don't know anyone outside of this island maybe Dylan and Gabe will know who sent it" said the Chief

Okay I will go see if they know who sent it but when I went to them they started to act weird when I mentioned them the rescue message. They finally confessed saying.

"The crew will always send a letter to the place where they have not heard anything from the group saying the they are going to send a rescue group" said Dylan.

Well how are they going to find you if they didn't know the coordinates because you guys had crashed before you could tell them the coordinates.

"Well they know where the plane crashed which is pretty weird on how they know that because they set cameras right where the coordinates are" said Gabe.

Well lets just hope they find you without crashing here because then you couldn't get back until they send another rescue group which then that would take a lot longer to get you guys.

"Well then lets wait for the rescue group to get here" said Dylan.

+++

Finally its lunchtime with what had just happened made it so we couldn't eat breakfast until we figured this out but then it was too late to eat breakfast.

"Man lunch was so good can we just go to sleep now" said Gabe.

Yeah I guess we can go to sleep now well until dinner is ready well goodnight to you.


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Sun Jan 26, 2020 11:01 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...



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Howdy there cowpoke. My apologies that your chapter has been sitting in the green room for long but at least it's getting cleared out during this review day.

It is a rather short chapter but I can see that you still have a lot of details fit into this space. Even without the prior knowledge from the first chapter, the readers become aware of a few of the characters involved and the issue that they're currently grappling with. I can see that they've crashed somewhere under some mysterious circumstances and now they're waiting for someone to come and get them. The sequence at the end of the chapter is a little bit awkward though with the characters casually going into breakfast amid this danger. And it seems like something that would have been better fit for continuing in a new chapter.

There are a couple of major formatting issues going on within this chapter - mainly the faults with your dialogue formatting. I can see that there are two sides to the conversation but with the formatting that you're using, it only notes that one person is talking. This, along with a lack of dialogue tags, makes this a very confusing story to get through. It looks like the entire first portion of the chapter is all dialogue, but there is very little to note that this was going on. And that definitely needs to be fixed to make this chapter a cleaner read.

The one other thing I wanted to talk about is just perhaps the lack of creativity in this chapter? There's a clear place that it's going but the details are just kind of lacking. It could have been more exciting and more of a basis to grip the readers in. I think that all of this is just wrapped up in the dialogue issues and then where the story spirals back and forth from.

So if you have any questions about this review or anything else, just let me know.
Happy review day.
- Jack




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Sun Jan 26, 2020 6:44 am
tgham99 wrote a review...



Hi there! Tee here for a review.

This is a fairly concise chapter, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but a bit more detail might help set the scene a bit more effectively for the reader. My main suggestion with this chapter is to work on grammar and sentence issues; you have a lot of run-on sentences and you don't seem to implement punctuation (specifically commas) where they're needed, which makes the story a little hard to follow along with. To specify, the lack of punctuation in the right places makes the story seem very long and drawn out, even though the length of the chapter itself is super concise.

It's also a bit confusing in terms of the actual plot; this is where I'll chime in again with the desire for some more details. The chapter ends very abruptly; we don't really get a lot of info as to what did actually happen. When do we get to read more about Dylan and Gabe and their situation? '

You have a good start, but there are definitely a few aspects of storytelling that you could work on a bit more -- this is true for all us writers!! I would suggest starting with some grammar and punctuation elements and working up through the different levels of storytelling.

Keep writing!!

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If you can't describe what you are doing as a process, you don't know what you're doing.
— W. Edwards Deming