Deleted

Hello!

I really, really liked this! I love how it was clear practically from the very beginning that it was a cat's narration. I suppose the title helped with that, because Sylvester always makes me think of the cartoon and Tweety-Pie, but it was soon clear from the story as well. I found your writing style smooth and entertaining, and Sylvester's voice was very clear and consistent.

I don't have a lot to comment on because Joshua already did a very thorough job and normally I find that anything really glaring jumps out in a first reading, but when I read this, I was just reading it and enjoying it and not looking for things to pick out.

Okay, here's something:

“George, darling, who are you talking to?” he asks, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.

He's just woken up, and when I've just woken up, it's very difficult for me to coherently pronounce words of more than one syllable, so it might be more realistic and paint a clearer picture if he said something shorter. Like "hon" or "love" or something... I'm not too sure, but the "darling" was a bit jarring.

Also, maybe, on reconsideration, how valid is the first part of the story? Sylvester gets up and potters around for a bit, has a drink and snack, then goes back to bed. It's not very relevant to the rest of the story. It helps establish character, I suppose, but maybe you could add in some foreshadowing, some noises that he hears or shadows on the wall or something--anything that will really connect the two parts of the story, because at present they don't really tie together.

PM me if you have any questions!

-twit

Wow - You have done so well with the ending. Much better. Two things I noticed, occasionally you use the same adjective in succession that is to say, you repeat yourself, I noticed this once or twice. I remember one of the words was 'slowly' repeated, not for effect, so change that. Also,

to settle for my iams

iams should be in italics so we know its a brand name. At first I thought it was a typo and was supposed to be 'yams.' Seems silly now.

I think all the descriptions of the house are amazing, not because of how well you describe them, but because of how well you establish the couple's characters. The painting, the tidy kitchen, the words the use 'synthetic' et cetera. They all contribute to these characters who remain concealed, it's all tacit knowledge that is played upon later.

This style is writing is so tough to get right because there really isn't much like it, which says a lot about your ability to beat the path. I find when we remove ourselves from our comfort zone and really try to push our own boundaries we progress. I am really proud with how far you have taken this, from the fat boy joke story, that I really didn't care for. To a touching tale, a unique hash of the idea of prejudice. And how it is framed lures the reader into a false comfort. Because at first and on the surface it is a story about a cat, and the attraction is character of the cat, unravelling the mystery of what our cats do with their alone time, then this cruel ending comes unprecedented and we truly feel for the cat because she is oblivious.

I think the writing still needs to be stronger, but you can't force this, you need to develop your skills first. I hope this stays with you this story, and I hope you come back to it when you establish a unique turn of phrase. Most of my best stuff is my earlier stuff that I have rewritten, or edited. I hope this stays with you because I love this idea, and I have to resist the temptation of writing an animal story myself, I must say. There it is, you've done the unthinkable, inspired me.

That been said, well done, if you want to keep reworking it for now I would suggest tightening it up. Cut away some of the useless description, throw in a bit more figurative language, then again leave it as is because for now it is wonderful.

Okay I will do a brief line - by - line.

confetti wrote: Carefully, so I don’t wake the sleeping humans, I trudge downstairs for a drink of water.

It's good that you immediately make the point that the narrator is not a human. But I wouldn't call this a great opener. It's a good line but I wouldn't open with it. Take us straight, away.

The house is so peaceful at night when the humans are at bay.

'at bay.' Doesn't work or apply, really. If I was being really nit-picky I would call it cliché too.

Though, sometimes it’s lonely, so I curl up at their feet and join their slumber. I’m going to do that tonight, but first I will get a drink of water - my tongue is feeling awfully dry.

I like this, it gives the narrator character. I'm not sure if you did this intentionally, but phrases like 'awfully dry' give the narration a motherly/matriarchal feel, because its an expression that's associated with adults. 'awfully' - that is.

I push through theon the half-closed bathroom door to get to my water bowl. It thuds against the wall and I flinch

.

Okay, I think here you shouldn't say flinch. because flinch is a visual term as opposed to something you feel. You would do well to describe how the cat leapt, it was only the door, how it's heart steadied.

Hopefully the humans didn’t hear that.As I’mleaning down towards my water, I notice that the toilet seat is up. An invitation, perhaps? I haven’t had fresh toilet water in so long. What a treat.

This is a little bizarre, not good or bad, just a strange image. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this. I would suggest for now to leave it as is, but be careful because readers might be confused by this and although you are trying here to build character, your protagonists loses credibility when she acts unrealistically. I would reveal character with having the cat chasing moths, thinking she is protecting the house or something that cats do that humans don't understand, that way you can reveal motive and hence reveal character.

I don’t know how humans stand on two legs all day.

This is great. One suggestion, have the cat describe her theory. eg

They commended my balance, but I don't know how the humans moved around on their hind legs, perhaps it was just practice.

I don't know something like that.

When I can’t drink any more for fear of exploding, I make a beeline

cliche. Talk about her skulking back up the stairs? are the stairs carpet or hardwood? does she weave in and out of the stare batons or climb up the hand rail? here is a good opportunity to reveal a little more of the setting and character. Also you could say something like.

I do one more patrol of the kitchen, it has been a while since I tasted warm mouse, but who knows they could be back.

or you could even talk about something that reveals little things about her owners. That make us care a little more about the couple. Have her talk about how neat the kitchen is, have her pay the lava lamp a moments attention? or have her sit on the windowsill working her tongue over her paws, looking out the window at the neighbours for her ginger enemy?

The room is warmer than the rest of the house, but it’s just how I like it. Silently, I jump onto the bed and take my usual spot at their feet. Tonight their legs are hanging out of the bedding. They usually do this in the summer when it’s too hot. Before I lie down, I lick Henry’s toes a couple of times. This has become a routine for me. It helps me sleep. I curl up in a ball at the end of the bed and close my eyes. My chest rumbles contently and I lose myself in the silence

This is all very good, great descriptions up until the last line. One, the cat wouldn't refer to its chest as rumbling contently, two losing anything in the silence is very cliche and adds little. Talk about her purring ushering in sleep or the tick tock of the clock.

I slip to the floor soundlessly and tiptoe out of the room.

I promise you the cat doesn't tiptoe. Take my word for it. I'm a cat person and I think I know the skulking movement you're talking about but I wouldn't call it tiptoeing. It is all good through this paragraph except this line.

Through the railing, I can see three humans dressed in long, white cloaks. What an odd way to dress. My humans would never wear something like that.

Fantastic. Perhaps make the image a little more clear. Long white hooded cloaks? I don't know the only reason I suggest this is because the image slipped through the first time I read this.

says loudly enough for me to catch

This is assumed. That is to say, the fact that the narrator has described it means we are aware she caught it. You only find this sort of description when the narrator is talking about someone else.

"Nelsy is so annoying," Kelly said, failing to realise it was loud enough for Nelsy to catch.

That sort of thing.

I bolt up the stairs to warn them.

Not warn, how could the cat know they were here to harm them? She should be shooting up to tell the humans that other humans had visited, it must be important because most humans sleep at night. You could keep the warning description if you make the characters act a little more blatantly threatening, if they use a derogatory term or one of the men could kick the cat or something.

mewl.

Should be 'meow'.

“Sylvester, what-” he begins, but he’s quickly interrupted by footsteps outside the bedroom door.

Change this to be more descriptive of the sound he hears. eg,

interrupted by the clap of boots up the stairs.

You also do well to conceal the fact the couple are both men. It suddenly becomes so serious and tense and you really begin to set up the denouement.

like I do when a stranger pets me.

Change 'pets' to touches. Again a pet wouldn't consider itself a pet, so to speak, especially the cats I know, they are the owners, we the pets. That being said use the term pats or touches, or rubs 'their foreign hands over me.'

I notice that the taller of the two men has a beard similar to George’s.

You can say

has hair around his mouth like George

Something a little vague, remind us that we are listening to a cat who might not be familiar with terms like 'beard'.

Its metallic surface reflects in the moonlight that filters through the window.

Nice.

Okay I will begin with the end.

Ending
You handle the ending very well it is tight and truly touching. I would encourage you to end it with the Cat oblivious, un changed by the events, wondering why the men are leaving. A great closing line would be something like.

They both must have gone back to sleep. I can't wait for the morning George has been talking about his father visiting and I really want to meet him.

or

I hope George isn't grumpy at me in the morning for waking him.

Something subtle and suggestive. Something that really jerks the tears.

Character

The characters are great. The cat is so clever and acts realistically for the most part. I like the idea of the cat enjoying her quiet alone time at night. I think where the character is lacking is with the couple. I know it's tricky and you might have to use things like photos on the wall of George finishing a marathon, or tickets to the opera under a magnet on the fridge door, or talk about the cat eyeing a guitar in the corner? I don't know make sure you know the secondary characters really well, because the cats view is as much a framing device for their story as it is her story as well. You need to find a little balance without losing the nice pace you have established. One other thing I would do is have the cat spooked by it's own reflection, it happens, my cat used to always do it. It's kind of cheating, but it will give you a chance to let us know how the cat looks. Talk about it seeing its yellow eyes against the glass and jumping, hair stuck out hissing, then realising its only her reflection and being embarrassed.

Theme

Well done. That's about all I can say. In the past the biggest drawback of your work was always how cliche, how ham handed you were with your themes. Here the theme isn't just crammed in to make take it from a scene to a story, rather you have laced the theme through out. You have played upon it nicely at the end, and it all climbs, it escalates as a story should. It is a steady mounting pressure, something is always about to happen and when it does the reader is reeling, patting away tears and trying to finish the day without thinking about that poor little cat.

I think that about covers it. You have done really well, you could still make this longer though. You could have the cat do a lot more during the night, make us fall in love with this cat, then when all the actions go down it will all colapse, you can break hearts and open eyes with this piece, and I sincerely hope you work through the tiny errors I surface. Because like I said, I love this. Twains A dog's tale, is one of the only stories that has made me cry, and I think you aren't far off with this. So well done! Very impressed.

JP