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by confetti

Published April 20, 2012

In Deleted/Private

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Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Kale
Review
Kale wrote a review Review · May 9, 2012

There's a lot of "I" in here, and I found it to be a bit of a detraction, to be honest. It wasn't so much that the poem was "I"-centric; that's fine. It's just the fact that "I" is repeated so many times throughout the poem, and there isn't much space in between each iteration of "I". Because this poem is so short, the repetition of "I" is really noticeable since there isn't much room to space them out.

I'd suggest rephrasing things so that you use "I" as little as possible. For instance, the first two lines could be rephrased as such:

I'm just me.
Just the me that's trying to figure it all out.


Another thing that made the "I"s stand out as being repetitious was the rather simple-to-vague language that surrounded them. Going back to the second line "trying to figure it all out" is rather non-specific. What exactly is "I" trying to figure out? How are they "trying"? Is it more of a half-hearted attempt, a serious soul-search, a puzzling out? Your word choice has a huge impact on the image your readers get from your poem, and while non-specific words are easy to use and understand, they're not particularly memorable or meaningful.

Paying a bit closer attention to your word choice (cutting down on the "I"s and using more precise phrases) would really help make this poem stronger and more memorable.

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worldly Comment
worldly commented Comment · Apr 21, 2012

Short, simple, splendid.

Flows well enough that I can read it aloud and not sound awkward.



The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
— Patrick Star