"What are you going to do now?" Evan murmured. I looked down the alleyway and sighed. It was no use, we wouldn't find the car anyway. Evan looked over at me pitifully and I tried not to return his gaze.
"Caleb, maybe you should give up on the search" Evan said it quietly, like I couldn't hear. I turned sharply towards him. Who did he think he was?
"I'm not giving up on my own mother if that's what your hinting at." I had my back towards him so I didn't see his painful expression. Evan had lost his mother too, in a car accident. But he had his dad. I had my foster mum and three rowdy kids.
"I'm just saying, what are the chances where going to find her killer? The car is probably gone by now" I flinched away from him as he he said these words. He quickly tried to backtrack but it was no use.
The damage was done.
"I didn't just lose my mother. I lost everything." He looked at me, his dark hair hiding his dusty blue eyes. I could tell him understood for he bowed his head and we continued walking. I sometimes wondered if he was all there, he always hid his emotion so well behind his hair.
The Westminster streets where crowded at this time of day, men in suits, woman with prams. I tried to block it all out and focus on my footsteps. One after the other. Evan sensed my mood and we walked in silence till we came to the apartment he shared with his dad. His dad is a real estate agent. Super cool and nice to Evan. I tried to smile as he came to the door but it froze on my lips. Evan waved goodbye then hurried off with his dad. Sometimes when this happened I felt like Evan was a ten-year old and I was the only fifteen year old in the world.
I tried to focus on my footsteps but it was no use. I simply couldn't think straight. What Evan had said just kept cycling through my brain. Was it time to give up the search for my mother's killer? I had been searching for two years. But I couldn't bring myself to stop. This was the one thread that held my sanity to the book of life. Ever since Dad had left it had just been me and her. And then that god awful day when the police had come... And I had known before they had crossed the threshold. The next few moths I can't remember. Therapy, anger, pain and then nothing.
As the streets grew darker a muffled coughing came from behind me and I spun around. Standing only a few meters away was a blond girl, about the same age as me. Tall and willowy she cut an impressive figure beside me. I tried not to look into her sky blue eyes but it was no use. She looked at me expectantly and I blushed as she walked over to me.
"What do you want?" I said as brusquely as I could. She noticed this and slid a business card out of her immaculate coat.
"Look I only want to say this once. You need something and I need something. This will help you. But you need to help us as well. Call when your ready." She looked at me so thoroughly that I was reminded of an X-Ray scan. As I stood a few inches taller than her I tried to impress my height.
"You know what you want. You've wanted it for two years now. I can help you get what you want but I need your service in return. You can help me I know you can." Her voice cracked on the last word and I looked down at my feet. Why did she have to be so Barbie- like! She smiled as if she could read my thoughts.
I wanted my mother back. That's what I wanted.
"How can you bring her back?" My voice shook with anger. Who did she think she was? Granting me wishes like a fairy god mother! I stalked off, my boots slapping in the mud. I looked behind me but the girl was gone. Well good riddance! I hated Barbie's and I hated her. The immaculate nails, the hair... I reached into my hoodie pocket and brought out the black card. One word shone it like ice. I lifted my eyes slowly form the writing and let it drift from my fingers. But the words where still printed in my mind.
THE SOUTH EDEN COUNCIL OF WEREWOLF'S
Hi CM,
Writing:
For a thirteen-year-old your writing shows promise if you continue. That said, there are some things that you should take a moment to brush over: dialogue punctuation, commas, sentence structure, and making sure your words are the ‘right’ words to describe what you’re trying to say (ex. You had ‘what are the chances where going to find her killer? -> should be “we’re” (we are) instead of where).
With dialogue punctuation, there are simple rules to follow with tags such as “said, whispered, snarled, shouted, etc”. If you’re unsure how to properly punctuate this try visiting YWS’s Writing Tutorial forum and we have some excellent topics to help writers who have trouble with this. I can give you a brief example of how to punctuate here:
“Caleb, maybe you should give up on the search,” Evan whispered.
-> Here, you need a comma between search and the quotation mark. And instead of describing ‘said it quietly, like I couldn’t hear” just say whispered and that takes care of those unnecessary words.
As far as sentence structure goes, try to vary your sentences. Right now, you have a very clipped and awkward voice that’s hard to follow. Work on keeping your writing fluid and understandable – a way to see if it works is to read your work out loud. You might find places where there are abrupt stops and other sentences that could be compounded or molded together and some that are just difficult to understand for readers who are new to your writing and world.
Characters:
As for your characters, you have a boy who’s looking for his mother’s killer. Okay, he’s also only 15 years old and has been searching since he was 13? What about school? What was/is his life like? What is he feeling? You give us a little information about what he wants but not enough to tell us what he’s like. I feel no connection to him either. Work on giving more details and description that allow his character to be more vividly illustrated. Right now, he’s quite monotonous.
Story:
Overall, I think your story shows some promise of being interesting. As a side note, it should be “Council of Werewolves”. “Werewolf’s” is possessive. Work on fleshing the story out more. Think about what you’d want if you were the reader. What information can you give in the beginning and what needs to be left out for later? What type of foundation do you need to set up in the beginning? How do you want your character to come off in the introduction?
Keep writing and if you have any questions, be sure to PM me! I hope this review helped.
-S
Salutations.
Firstly, I really like the title. I hope you go into more detail about it later.
It seems DarkPandemonium has already critiqued the writing style, so I suppose I'll try to give tips on the story. One grammatical correction, though, that stood out to me, and wasn't mentioned:
"THE SOUTH EDEN COUNCIL OF WEREWOLF'S"
Werewolf's should be werewolves; it's plural, not possessive.
Moving on to the story, the back-story of the character's parents, and the girl, serve to hook the reader quickly. The dialogue, though, doesn't seem to make the story as exciting as it could be. For instance, at the start, when Evan tells Caleb to give up, his words didn't seem to have the...power that Caleb interpreted them with. If they have been searching for two years, why does Evan suddenly think they should give up now? Perhaps something like
"Caleb, maybe...maybe this is it. Maybe it's finally time to give up."
would show that they have been worried for a while that they wouldn't be able to succeed. This scene has a lot of emotion, but the dialogue doesn't seem to express that enough. The dialogue has emotion, but it doesn't have as much meaning as it could because it doesn't seem authentic; it doesn't feel like something someone would really say. The words also have the potential to show more character than they currently do.
Also, I know the "in late-out early" concept is important, but I wonder whether you began too late. The fact that they lost the car implies that there was some sort of chase before. If this is a story of action and adventure, which it seems to be, the chase would serve as a good hook to pull the reader in and serve as a promise that, even though now there may be back-story and characters talking now, the story will contain a lot of action later. Including a chase scene would also lead well into the dialogue; it would show how close Caleb had come to catching the killer, only to lose them once again.
The last thing I would suggest is to show more of the character. The chapter showed his emotions, but not really who he was. What is his life like now that he has no parents? What was his relationship with his mom and dad? How have the past two years changed him? Where does he have a potential to grow in the coming story?
Well, that is all I have to say. Motivations and conflict have been established quickly, creating the potential for a very exciting story to come. Good luck with the rest!
Valedictions,
Wherethewindgoes
Hey cm57105, would you like a quick review?
I like how this story is going. You've introduced just the right amount of mystery to draw me in, and I do want to know more about your MC's past and their dead mother. I like the fact that you haven't revealed too much about your main character yet, just putting in brief bits about their past, their lack of parents, and their present home life. You've kept it simple, not over-complicated it, and, for the most part, that works.
Nevertheless, I need to point out a couple of grammatical errors and stuff, just so it reads nice and smoothly:
I think you mean "Evan", Right?
You need a comma after "search", and I think one after 'quietly'.
You need a full stop after "at".
You need an apostrophe in "car's" - the car is probably gone now. Also, comma after 'now'.
"Mother's"
Do you mean "my" brain? First person, right?
Again, do you mean "as the streets grew darker a muffled coughing came from behind me and I spun around"? This is your MC, right?
I want more description, please! Build up a picture of her in my head. Sparkling blue eyes? That's been used a zillion times - why don't you elaborate? I'm sure you can!
This is just my opinion, but I think you could rephrase this a bit; it doesn't sound that sophisticated. Maybe if you changed it to something like "she looked me over as though x-raying me" it would sound better.
Anyway, in terms of the end, I don't think it's quite right. It's a bit rushed - that's my main problem with the whole piece. You need to pace it a bit more, and add some more description. You've got the bare bones of a beginning, you just need to flesh it out a bit.
Otherwise, it's good. Keep writing.
~Dark
Thank you, I will edit it all soon!