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Why is death blackheart? That’s what I want to know. You spend the whole poem describing it, then you name it, but you don’t really give a reason for why you call it by a different name.
Combining words that are usually separate in the English language is a very powerful technique. You can essentially create new words and feelings from the combination of what you choose. Each word brings its own associations and solid meanings, but together they can evoke something much different. Take for example Seedwood. You get the image of the seeds, but the strength of a tree, something floating and steady at the same time. It makes me think of truffula trees. But that’s just me. Or Treecup. What’s that? The daintiness of tea time with the nature of a tree? Refinement and rural feelings all together in one? You knew, maybe, that words worked this way, so you tried. But BlackHeart falls short. Why? Because they can be paired together in proper spacing with the same meaning. Black Heart is a heart that is black the same way that BlackHeart is. There’s no necessity, no force in their pairing, so it falls flat and weak and doesn’t carry the poem.
Go further. Get more associative. What does it mean to you if a heart is black? Does it mean withered? Does it mean dark? Does it mean painted with a mask? Find the words you really want to call death, then go back and rework this poem. Make every word play to that naming. Make us understand exactly why you chose those two words to rename something that is common to everyone on earth, so much so that we don’t need to rename it. So why did you feel that you needed to?
Also, did you intentionally use the language of the Jack and the Beanstalk faerie tale? “Crush my bones and grind my lungs”? Sounds like the giant who wants to eat the thief in his house. To make his bread, you know? Are you familiar with that? If not, it gives a somewhat ridiculous tone to that line instead of the seriousness I think you’re intending.
Anyway, PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review, please. I don’t get notifications about replies to reviews.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hello CM! I think you have an interesting premise here, but it could be improved upon. First, I find it odd that Death is referred to as changing in the beginning, when it seems like death and taxes are the only constants in life. Death changes to Mercy in the end, but it doesn't seem like change is typical for Death. Did you perhaps mean that he changes his victims and their loved ones? I would make the beginning of this piece show a constant Death to make the change more surprising at the end.
Secondly, I found the name "BlackHeart" an odd choice. It sounds more like a metal album title than the name of an actual creature. Plus it doesn't really change the perception of Death. Why not rename him Tim or something? Or maybe even the name of something holy (e.g. Gabriel or another angel) to show that Death is the speaker's savior?
Thirdly, I second a previous comment to expand on why life is not worth living to the speaker. Sickness? Broken heart? Bullies? Financial woes? This would add more flavor to the piece.
Also, you have a comma, at the end, of every line, which is about as, obnoxious as reading, this sentence. I would go through this again and re-think the punctuation, only putting in commas if they fit grammatically. In general, I would punctuate poetry the same as prose, unless there's a compelling reason to do otherwise. Personally, I don't see one here.
Finally, I would just like to say that I loved the final stanza. It's a beautiful ending and I think that building on the speaker's plight and the contrasting faces of Death would make it even better. Good job and keep writing!
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1.
Why repeat these same points? Grace lies in precision and brevity. These two stanzas say virtually the same thing.
2.
You dedicate a good many lines, even in this stanza, to describing how awful death is, so it comes across as cheap when you claim life is even worse but don't elucidate at all. Death is a monster and it's "Blackheart" and all that, but it's also your savior? You're giving very, very mixed messages. If it's your savior, portray it as your savior.
3.
"Blackheart" isn't a word, so it must be an invented name, and invented names mean nothing to the reader even if you smashed together two words to create it. "Black-hearted," maybe. Also, there needs to be more of a distinction between the quality of being black-hearted and the quality of being death. As far as I can tell, it's the same thing. Use this poem to show me what the difference is, because I can't distinguish any.
4.
You distance yourself from those who can find no mercy in it, yet you are the one who are calling it black-hearted and stuff, which I take to mean pure evil%u2014that is, merciless.
5.
The last line confused me. Where is it taking you?
So it needs some work. Hope this helped.
-Kafka