Toying

i like the use of varying sentance lengths. you used alot of "advanced" words something i dont see in works very often. you seem to know what you"re doing and have a very vivid imagination and make it easy for the reader to connect and see what you saw while writing this peice. i didnt see many mistakes, if i saw any at all, but dont take my word for it, im not one who notices that kind of thing alot. i didnt like the word jack***, especially when describing God, but all in all, this is a good peice of writing.

This was a cool poem. It doesn't really have much rhyme, which I think makes it go better. Kind of like a story. The last line was pretty funny, and I liked it! I usually don't like macabre writings, but I would say this is actually alright! Good job. Keep making poems!

This poem is very weird....but i like it . It creates the feeling that im sure it was intended to. Tho, in ur third stanza, i feel as if an important line is missing. I really like poems with emotions in them too, and i feel like adding some to this would make it even more touching . Anyway, good job.

I did not find this poem as disturbing as the rest of my peers, but I enjoyed the eerie atmosphere. Anyways, onto the review.

"I could feel the darkness
Seeping into me.
And the dark room played with my fears,
Like a child playing with its favorite toy."

This stanza starts out quite direct, and I certainly enjoyed the personification of darkness, and its likeness to a child with its toy. That being said, I see no definite rhyme scheme or pattern, but not all poems need to rhyme, and I feel quite happy with this first stanza.

"I could feel your breath on my neck,
Rancid.
You scraped one long fingernail,
Letting blood drip onto my shirt."

The second stanza, like the first, remains quite direct on the issue at hand. The adjective used to describe the breath, Rancid, could be changed for a different word, which would probably make the stanza more dark, but the author may have a different train of thought than mine. The one long fingernail intrigues me, as it is quite specific. Coupled with the bloody shirt, I get a somewhat Freddy Kruger-ish image in my mind.

"You where toying with me
But I knew it would stop.
Then it was inevitable,
That Death would come."

In the third stanza, I can no longer tell whether the authors is describing the darkness or an actual person, which I very much enjoy. On that same note, the inevitability of Death coming holds a two fold meaning.

"maybe that's what my ignorance deserved,
my flesh rotting in the forgotten sewers.
if God was real he was a jackass then."

This last stanza takes me by surprise. It is a completely different pattern than the rest of the poem, but I happen to like it. By differentiating this stanza from the rest, you give it the most significance out of all of the poem's stanzas. That being said, I do believe that you need to capitalize the words "Maybe" and "If", as there is no real reason that I can see for them to not be so.

All in all, I think it is a solid poem, with definite room for improvement, as we all have some. I hope you take my critique to heart, and remember, I didn't write the poem, so I obviously don't know what is going on inside your head.

Feel free to PM me or reply back with any questions or comments you have.

Oh, my. I love this soooo much! The eerie setting, the perfect use of similies! Oh, it's wonderful!
Now that I have calmed down, I will tell you that the whole poem's pucuation was perfect. But then in the final stance, the capitalization crapped up. Not a big deal, though. I really want to encourage you to continue writing like this.

First off you have created an incredibly eerie poem...I like that
A few corrections I have are to remember your punctuation at the end of lines (for example the end of the first line should have a comma). I would also say that the last stanza should have the same amount of lines as the rest of it (though that is more of a personal preference thing).

The first letter of each line should be capitalized and the last stanza should have same amount of lines as the first.

You had some very strong words in there and it really put an image in my head. I really hope you keep posting dark poems like this one, they are really amazing.

I love the eerie atmosphere you've created with this poem. Some of the imagery you've used here is very effective. I particuarly like how you've used, "like a child playing with its favourite toy" because it makes us see a darker side of a seemingly-innocent infant. In the second verse, the way you've made the word 'rancid' stand alone is very nice and draws attention to it. The only criticism I would give is that there are a few spelling errors (eg: you said 'where' instead of 'were'), but overall, an amazing poem. Very atmospheric.

Hey little author here,

So I love dark poems like this and I thought it was very well written. The first letter of each line should be capitalized and the last stanza should have same amount of lines as the first. I don't think I saw any spelling errors but other wise great poem. You had some very strong words in there and it really put an image in my head. I really hope you keep posting dark poems like this one, they are really amazing.

Keep writing

Hi there!

My general comments are in blue and corrections/suggestions are in red.

I could feel the darkness
Seeping into me. nice opening. I find it very important to have a good opening, no matter what type of piece you are writing. Without a good opening, the reader will be lost forever. You need to rope them in, get them to keep reading. I definitely think you nailed it here.
And the dark room played with my fears,
Like a child playing with its favorite toy. Oooh, personification and a simile in the same sentence. We're getting fancy here! I do like this simile you have here. And 'the dark room playing with my fears' is actually a really creepy line. Excellent!
Overall, this is a great opening stanza. It really sets the tone for the rest of the poem. I can tell that it's going to be dark and creepy (which I totally love!).

I could feel your breath on my neck,
Rancid. <-- powerful line here
You scraped one long fingernail,
Letting blood drip onto my shirt. I absolutely love this sentence. When I first opened you poem, this was the first line I read. I don't know, something just drew me to it. It's so simple yet so powerful. Thinking of the idea of someone scraping another person with their fingernail is just like, whatever. But the blood dripping down the shirt give it another layer.

You where were toying with me
But I knew it would stop.
Then it was At that point it would be inevitable, (no comma here. It messes with the flow of the poem)
That Death would come.
This stanza was a bit confusing to me. It's probably just the way I read it, but I made some corrections to make it maybe a bit more understandable.

maybe that's what my ignorance deserved, (colon instead of comma here)
my flesh rotting in the forgotten sewers.
if God was real he was a jackass then.

Hello!
First off you have created an incredibly eerie poem...I like that
A few corrections I have are to remember your punctuation at the end of lines (for example the end of the first line should have a comma). I would also say that the last stanza should have the same amount of lines as the rest of it (though that is more of a personal preference thing). Thirdly, you need to fix your last line because I had to reread it a few times perhaps change it to "if God is real, then he is a jackass".
All in all I liked it
Happy Writing!

Oooh, very eerie poem! I like it! The second stanza was descriptive and it gave me a great visualization. I also liked your choice of words, such as "rancid". Very nice.