the world may never know it needs me
a quiet mouse that gives food for the eagle
a wildflower feeling the beat of the sun
something about me is ever-swaying
constant, but not forceful. a breeze
in a kitchen window curtain, a ripple
of water in an undiscovered river stream
and there are moments when i burst
like a firework, but i fizzle as fast as i
shoot, dissipating in the night sky like
a star with no constellation, an astronaut
with no base. there's a presence here
that never demands to be seen, just one
appreciating if it's ever even known—i
am unsure if i've ever really been known before
like a ladybug on red brick, i blend in without
meaning to
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,080 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Shattering and relatable, you never miss the mark gigi! <3
Hello cherie!
I love how you took upon the humble perspective of a ladybug in this poem, highlighting how so many small animals and even ordinary items humans use are overlooked despite their vitality to the ecosystem and the balance they create to sustain everyday life.
It's ironic how the ladybug does not desire to blend in, yet it does, whereas I feel like during adolescence, a lot of teens like myself simply want to blend in. There are drawbacks to both being the "odd one out" and blending in, I guess.
Anyways, I really loved the lowly, serene vibe of the ladybug in this poem; it was really calming and eye-opening!
keep writing & God bless you!
🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞🐞
Hi Cherie!
For starters, I absolutely adore the subject and tone of this poem! It really features the quiet parts of life. Something so unassuming as a ladybug- like the little things in life that no one really pays attention to until its missing.
Going through the poem, I like your stylistic choice of leaving it in all lowercase. No single word is competing for attention which ties back into the theme of the poem.
I also really enjoy the examples of those subtleties in life: a quiet mouse, a wildflower, a slight breeze, etc. It really paints a picture in regards to the "whispers" of life much like a ladybug would suggest.
There's this specific example I really enjoy:
I like how you call out to the ephemeral nature of life- I wonder how this can be extrapolated a bit more since it then follows after with the idea of "an astronaut with no base." The way I interpreted this part was that living things are here only for a short amount of time. However, the line "an astronaut with no base" might suggest that the base itself was lost while the astronaut was left stranded.
I do notice some enjambment in some lines, for example:
It surprised me a bit since this starts in the 5th line of the poem. I'm not sure if this was a stylistic choice, but it was interesting to feel that break in rhythm. I would suggest using end stops and completing the full idea by the end of a line- which can enhance the "ever-swaying constant" idea that is mentioned in the 4th and 5th line. But 'tis a mere suggestion!
There are moments where this enjambment is really good:
This enjambment shows the speed and suspense of fireworks. I really like it here!
I also love the turn of the poem, putting attention to the true subject of the poem, the speaker, as it continues:
I would say that I would love to see more into the mind of the speaker but overall, I like where you ended the poem. It makes sense for the speaker to not focus on themself too much until the end- lending to how they might see themself as a wallflower of sorts.
All in all, this is an amazing poem. Love it!