At the end of my road
Far away from those repulsed by the smoke that filled our lungs
That we breathed one in the same
One in the same it clouded our mind
and billowed through our veins
.
At the end of my road
When our skin had become wet blankets
Drenched in words unsaid
Too heavy for our forms to carry
We ripped ourselves open
And you kissed my shaking skeleton
.
At the end of my road
I gave a hypothermic smile as you wrapped yourself up again
and took my blankets too
As if refusing how the icy air against my bones made me shiver
Would be enough for you
.
At the end of my road
A deadly ghost whispered to me in the dark
sweet nothings of my own destruction
He brought my ear to his hollow chest
so I could hear the sound of nothingness
.
At the end of my road
You stood across an ocean
with your own ghost entangling you
I wanted to tear him away
to replace the silence of his chest with the sound of my beating heart
to tell you how much I love you
and how unconditionally
to maybe deafen the whispers in your ears
.
At the end of my road
I sat wrapped in the arms of my grim companion
When an image so distant it may have been a dream drifted across my mind
An image of you smiling at me as if you adored my every fiber
And my ghost loosened his grasp
Knowing that even he could not take the memory of that smile
away from me
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi there! Here for a review
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. You described the push and pull of this relationship very well, and how hard it can be to force something that you know is drifting away from you. It's relatable and heart-wrenching, taking the reader along for this rollercoaster ride. You are right on with getting emotions through to the reader.
There are a few things that I would change, personally. These are just a few suggestions I have:
A few of your lines are extremely long compared to the entirety of the rest of the stanza. For instance, in your first stanza, the second line could be broken up into two separate lines to make the stanza more cohesive and less choppy. In some places, like the third stanza, it might work due to the fact of the long line being every other line, alternating between short and long.
One line in particular to think about, "to maybe deafen the whispers in your ears," the usage of 'maybe' made this line a lot weaker in my opinion. Since it's your second to last stanza, you want to finish out strong! So I would remove that 'maybe' and it will be so much more precise and final.
For the most part, I felt like your word choice created good imagery and evoked strong emotions. Good job with this piece! I really enjoyed reading it.
Happy writing,
Kali L.
Hi!
I really enjoyed this poem. I think its one of my favorites that I've found on here. I love the whole idea of having the stanzas represent different weeks and the whole poem being a progression over time. I think it helps the reader follow the emotions and how they grew or faded away over time.
Some of my favorite lines are
"When our skin had become wet blankets
Drenched in words unsaid"
I find that imagery of this cold, wet, heavy blanket, being filled with words that the two of you never said, to be such a strong visual. You stood true to this throughout the poem; you had some very strong visuals that the reader could feel and see.
The last stanza has to be my favorite over all because I love how you talk about that treasured memory. It seems like it has such a strong place in your heart, and I kinda relate to that too. When you have that one person in your life who you know would do anything for you, and you'd do anything for them, it really makes everything seem ok. And when you picture their smile, no matter how bad things get, you remember that you're going to be ok. I don't know, I just find that so powerful, and the fact that you captured it made me really happy.
I hope you continue to write with love and passion in your future. Can't wait to read more of your work!!
-E