Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
A.N: warning here, things get pretty dark in this chapter so readers beware. There’s a scene in this chapter that some might find “disturbing” so if there are any younger readers this is a warning for you. If you want to follow the story but don’t want to read this chapter message me and I’ll sum it up best I can J I’ll also put another AN in the chapter where things start to get more sensitive.
Eralyn stumbled from the head office back into the hallway. Out of the four guards who had been stationed both inside and out only one remained. He looked down at her with eyes full of pity. He moved as though he wanted to help but then stopped, most likely he was too afraid of Jonothan. Eralyn was a mess. It hurt to breath, it hurt to walk, but on she went. Down the hall she went to the private quarters at the farthest end of the compound.
“Looks like the princess finally returned to the tower,” a soldier yelled as Eralyn moved down a crowded hallway.
“So today I’m a princess, what happened to being a little lamb?” Eralyn called back at him. The soldier then stood and walked over to her. He was scruffy and built sort of like a bear; laying a hand on Eralyn’s head he ruffled her hair a bit before answering.
“Princess, lamb, it doesn’t really matter. You’ll always be the same little Eralyn to us.”
“He’s right kiddo!” Another man yelled and his voice was soon joined by the laughter of a few of his friends. Eralyn huffed, there was no point, she was never taken seriously no matter how hard she trained to them she would always be a little kid.
“You all see a child, but from where I’m standing my bride is most definitely a woman.” The paling of the bear- soldier’s face, could have been funny if she hadn’t been distracted by the pair of hands making there way along her sides. The soldiers in the hall backed away, under no circumstance had anyone tried to touch Eralyn, aside from her father who settled disagreements with his fists there was no one who would have dared. By the shifting of the crowd as the men distanced themselves from the pair of nobles no soldier wanted to be at ground zero as it happened.
The unwanted contact caused Eralyn to freeze with one hand hovering a mere inch from her twin blades. When the hands withdrew Eralyn spun, unsheathing her blade in one smooth motion. She stopped the blade mid swing next to Lord Zanders Levitas pale throat and everyone went quiet as tensions continued to grow.
“Better be more careful or else next time your pretty head may not be attached to that pretty little neck of yours.” Eralyn smiled viciously and moved the blade ever closer as an added warning.
“My apologies Lady Desubond,” Zanders then raised his hands in mock surrender all the while keeping his cocky smile in place. A few soldiers chucked quietly; it wasn’t everyday they witnessed a member of a noble house getting shown up by a woman. They continued to laugh until Zanders shot them a cold glare before returning his focus to Eralyn.
“If her Ladyship wouldn’t mind, could she lower her sword?” Zanders question was polite but there was no mistake that he was furious. Looks like he’s had enough, Eralyn thought before re-sheathing her weapon. Her battle dress swirled around her bare legs as Eralyn turned and kept walking. Past the crowded hallway she walked but Eralyn didn’t make it any further.
Out of sight from the rest of the soldiers no one saw Zanders grab the harness holding Eralyn’s swords in place on her back as he dragged her down a secluded hallway and threw her against a wall.
Eralyn steadied herself and liked back at the fuming man who had dared to touch her.
“Is the little lord angry that there’s someone who can make you look bad?” Eralyn couldn’t control herself, Zanders made her so mad that she felt like elastic being pulled to breaking point, seconds away from snapping.
“You think you’re so tough with all your training, you think your so strong being the daughter of one of the most powerful men in the country, but you’re just a little girl.” Zanders face was red when he finished, and there was spittle stuck to his perfect lips. No more was he the suave and cold lady-killer, the change was almost frightening.
At the mention of being a little girl Eralyn laughed, it was a joke if that was the best insult he could give her. Hadn’t he heard what the soldiers had been calling her just moments ago?
“I’ve been berated, beaten and treated like a child for most of my life. Do you really think you can intimidate me with this little chat?”
Zanders then bent down slightly and whispered in Eralyn’s ear.
“I’m not just going to tell you, I’m going to show you that no matter what… No matter who you are, there will always be someone to knock you back down.” Zanders paused to let his threat fully sink in. “Compared to me you will always be nothing.”
AN: Here is where things start to get more “sensitive” so please read at your own discretion.
It was plainly clear what Zanders intended to do, Eralyn wanted no part in being punished by the sicko in front of her. She grabbed at her swords but he was ready for her this time. She managed to free one sword halfway before Zanders had her by the wrists.
“No witty come back? Are you starting to understand?...” Zanders taunted. Eralyn turned away and tried to force her wrists from his grip. She managed to free one hand and used it to throw a punch to Zanders throat. She landed the first blow and readied for a second. Zanders sneered at Eralyn then slammed his entire body into her, effectively caging Eralyn in. Zanders dragged Eralyn up the wall closer to eye level, scraping her swords with the stone behind her.
“Get off you piece of shit!” This earned a slam into the cold stonewall so hard that Eralyn’s vision was starting to waver.
“The more you struggle the more it’ll hurt” he hissed into her ear. Eralyn’s eyes narrowed as her anger continued to grow. Fighting even harder now Eralyn opened her mouth ready to scream, but instead she only managed to squeak as Zanders moved one hand from her wrist to close it around her throat.
“Don’t even try to scream, you’re nothing more than a pathetic woman. You’re no better than a whore.”
Eralyn tried to call out, to make any noise, to use her free hand to claw at Zanders face but his hands were like iron, and she could no longer brace herself to try and push him off. Eralyn sagged heavily from lack of air and dizziness; warm blood clung to the hair at the back of her head, and her legs hung limp as a doll’s. She was starting to feel afraid and it made her sick to her stomach.
“You’re mine” Zanders hissed with a satisfied smirk. Those were the last words Eralyn heard before the world went dark.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
I like how you open this chapter. It's descriptive, and it also highlights some characteristics of your protagonist: Eralyn is not someone who'll give up, and she'll persevere to the very end. Try to push her down, and she only emerges stronger.
Which is part of the reason why the rape scene at the end is so odd. Here's someone who not only walks with her head held high after being beat up, but still also has the determination to walk past the catcalling soldiers. On top of all that, she has incredible athletic ability -- before Zander is even able to grab her ass, she already has a sword to his throat.
Yet once Zander and her move out of the view of the soldiers, these characteristics vanish. Even though she was able to just moments before get the better of Zander, she is now at his mercy even though she's armed and in her battle dress. This beggars the imagination. Simply adding, "Best not to push him around," is not enough to explain why she does not use her sword again.
If you want to go in this direction, my suggestion would be to set the rape scene when she's in the shower or sleeping. It needs to be at some point where she's taken completely by surprise and vulnerable. It also needs to be done in a way that Zander could plausibly deny he was the rapist -- either because there's no witnesses or because he hides his face. The way the story is written right now, there are tons of witnesses as everyone saw Zander take Eralyn down into a secluded corridor.
However, there are some things that I thought you did very well with the rape scene. First, it is primarily about power, and you conveyed that well. Second, I really like the second to last paragraph. When describing a traumatic scene, the secondary senses are as important, if not more important, than describing the actual act. Talking about her body sagging heavily, warm sticky blood matting down her hair, and feeling sick to her stomach allows the reader to experience the trauma. Go more into the sensory experiences when you rewrite this, talking about the feel of his breath, the scrapes of his nails, the feeling of the floor, etc.
But also remember that rape has long-lasting consequences. This is not something she'll be able to easily recover from, and this is especially true due to the way the scene is currently written: every solider will know about it. The rape and how Eralyn reacts to it will define her character through the rest of your novel.
Thanks for the input I'm revamping and reworking most of this story so i'll definitely be taking in some of your suggestions
Hey Carmen!
I noticed you had a new chapter out. Exciting~
I think the flow of this chapter was much better than the other two. I'm just going to jump into the issues I see.
They talk like this to the general's daughter? I realize the general holds no real affection for his Eralyn, but isn't it a matter of authority? Eralyn is his. No soldier of a lower rank should be able to insult her.
Also, the way you write this, it seems like every soldier in the camp is like this. She fights with them, and yet every soldier completely slams her? I find this unbelievable.
Something relating to this: You mention in the first paragraph:
Is every soldier in this compound a sociopath or does it just happen to be this one? While he may not think what the general did was wrong, I can't imagine many people would find a beating amusing?
In general, the cruelty is too much and too wide spread to believe. Especially since Eralyn seems to have been a fixture in this group for years. I'd expect that she'd be disrespected and not taken seriously, but I struggle to accept that every soldier abuses her as these seem to. If this society has to be like this for the story, make me believe it with some reasoning.
The woman surrounded by crude, cruel, idiot men is also an obvious ploy for the reader to pity Eralyn, but it backfires. It makes me roll my eyes and keeps me from connecting with her at all.
This doesn't even make sense, really. They're all so awful that they just want to emotionally abuse her? These soldiers probably haven't been with a woman in months. Why in the world wouldn't they want more than a vocal fight?
For someone who's apparently been fighting in a war, she freaked out really easy.
Throughout this entire scene, you don't show her struggling enough. She's supposed to be a strong soldier. While Zander may be stronger, you should make a bigger deal out of her struggling. I think you could do this by showing us what Eralyn did instead of "she struggle" and stuff like that. I would also show more of her emotion. Maybe even let the reader think she got away for a moment before Zander catches her again.
Okay. That was pretty harsh, but I think if you rethink some of my points, your chapter would benefit.
That cliffhanger ending is killer! It makes me want to turn the page and keep reading which is the goal.
Let me know when the next chapter is out,
Megs~
thank you for reviewing I'm currently doing a big edit so this is really helpful I'll be sure to take in some of your suggestions