Down the Rabbit Hole (Chapter 1: War Times)

Hey carmen!
I can only apologize for the wait. I'll cover both of your chapters tonight.

Oh, this was a really exciting beginning. A hook is always a good thing. You've done that very well.

I'll jump in with the worse things now:

I stared at my fractured reflection.

Eyes the colour of honey and fire, I had once loved them, one of the few reminders of my mother, now they were the eyes of a killer, no warmth to go along with their colour.

these were trained killers, like a hit squad they were in charge of annihilation missions, the only difference was that they were known to favour explosive entrances in broad daylight.

Hi I read the first few paragraphs of your story and I had to say this : Your words where really chilling - LOVED IT

Salutations, and happy horrible Review Day!

It seems this is to be the first chapter of a novel, eh? Well, the most important thing you should know is that first impressions, no matter what people say, always make a difference. You should therefore ensure your first impression is the best you can possibly make it.

The first thing I noticed about this chapter is the frequency with which you make grammatical errors. There are mere technicalities, to be sure, but they are nevertheless essential in making a good first impression; not only does it make your writing seem more sophisticated, but it also affirms that you really care what people say about your work. Here are some examples of said errors.

Judging by my surroundings I bet explosion was what had happened, then again my memory was a bit foggy so whose to say for sure.

Hello! I'm going to copy and paste your work, adding in the things that need to be added in. I found this to have potential, but your grammar, I must say- needs to be worked on. I found many mistakes and no commas where they were needed. I also noticed you used "there" instead of there. Ex:
Inching ever closer[,] I squinted at the emblem on there [it's their, not there. There is referring to a place.] uniforms. Red Eagles, the farthest thing from allies. Also, I noticed you used "centre" I believed you meant center?


I don't exactly remember what happened[,] but I do remember the pain. It was the kind of pain that came from being thrown against a wall, not that I was in the habit of being thrown into walls. Judging by my surroundings[,] I bet [a] explosion was [delete was, use "is] what had happened, then again[,] my memory was a bit foggy [delete the entire "so whose to say for sure"] so whose to say for sure. The bodies of my fallen comrades in [??] arms lay beneath the debris from the collapsed ceiling and there was a massive crater in the centre [center, not centre] of the room from the impact.

My ears were still ringing from the after(connect these two words) math and my arms burned from the exertion of pushing myself off the dusty floor. Gingerly moving fingers over myself I sighed in relief, the damage was minimal, I would live to fight another battle.

"I heard something['] over there" called out an unfamiliar voice. If there's one thing that I've learnt [take out through] through growing up in constant war zones is that unfamiliarity usually means danger. Careful not to make a sound[,] I moved out of the open and flattened against the crumbling piece of wall. I readied myself for the worst and reached behind me for the crossed blades strapped to my back, thank the ever absent lord they were still snug in their sheaths [what is the ever absent lord?]. Inching towards the unknown voices[,] I hardly dare breath[ed]. By the sound of shuffling feet[,] I guessed at least five strangers and they were moving towards me. Heavy steps of military boots crunched over broken glass and bits of building. I too [take out too.] was moving, trying to get into a better position, always expect the worst[,] the veterans had told me countless times. Expect that everyone will kill you missy trust and be killed. Something slid under [my] foot and I prayed that I wasn't about to give away my position. Looking down[,] I saw the remains of a mirror, for a second I stared at my fractured reflection. There wasn't much to look at. [take out the period, use a semicolon to connect the sentences.] My hood and mask obscured everything but my eyes. Eyes like [the color of] honey and fire, I had once loved them, one of the few reminders of my mother, now they were the eyes of a killer, no warmth to go along with there colour. The rest of me dressed in a black dress with two high slits up the side for better movement. It was obvious at first glance I was a woman but those who've grown accustomed to me no better than to treat me like one, no matter how stupid they might be.

I saw the soldiers at the end of the mangled remains of a hall. They all carried high grade machine guns, there extra magazines [what do you mean "there extra magazines?] and knives strapped along there bodies. No soldiers were that decked out unless...

"An assault team" I breathed. Now I was in trouble, [take out comma, use period] there were six of them, at least I hope there were only six. these were trained killers, like a hit squad they were in charge of annihilation missions, the only difference was that they were known to favour explosive entrances in broad daylight. The only question now was[:]friend or foe[?]

Inching ever closer[,] I squinted at the emblem on there [it's their, not there. There is referring to a place.] uniforms. Red Eagles, the farthest thing from allies.

"What were Zoundes soldiers doing in Craeten territory?" I wondered[,] while trying to melt into the shadows.
[Instead of using dialogue, it'd actually be in italics since she is thinking something]
Rubble crunched under the soles of my shoes causing one of the soldiers to snap to attention. He pointed the barrel of his gun in my direction, a silent signal to his team that caused them all to raise their weapons as well. Two of the men broke away from the rest, but when the pair rounded the corner I was gone. Neither of them thought to look upwards at the broken rafters until I fell from them. Their was a hailstorm of bullets that came a moment to[o] late[,] and in seconds my blades were slicing through both uniform and flesh. Hearing the commotion[,] the rest of the small team rushed to where I was still standing. There was no need to hide, [take out comma, use a -] I was ready.

If I hadn't been wearing a mask[,] they would have scene [what do you mean? do you mean seen?] a deadly smile, adrenaline pumped through my blood[,] making me hungry for a good fight. I ran [better word choice?] at them while a chorus of all my past teachers [mentors instead of teachers sounds better.] advising me not to ran through my consciousness [what do you mean by "ran through my consciousness"?]. I wouldn't listen, I couldn't listen[,] not with the blood pounding in my ears [and] not with the vicious cravings within me. I cut down everyone who stood in my way. They were too slow, it was a bit disappointing. I was a blur of steel and flying debris, my dress swung out around me as I whirled to face off with each Zoundes soldiers. Blood sprayed as the remaining four soldiers joined their fallen as well as mine in the ruins of the East Craeten shelter.

Alone again[,] I left the ruins and stepped out into the desert that made up the majority of the war torn[.]