Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
A.N: a dracul is old Romanian for a dragon (just thought it sounded cooler than dragon)
"I had made it so far, so god damn far but still the desert stretched on and on."
There was so much farther to go before I reached Craeten's military base and Lord Desubond's manor. It was one of the main hellholes in Vermea but still it's where I needed to be, unless the sand and sun claimed me. Wearing black didn't help and soon I was forced to pull back my hood and remove the connecting mask. Reaching down to the strap around my right thigh, I pulled out two deadly looking pins and used them to secure my too thick hair on top of my head.
The sun beat down on my body, but the desert did not become my grave. Instead, a military convoy discovered me. Sun stroked and delirious, I thought the truck was a figment of my imagination, one last cruel trick from the heat. The soldiers aboard looked me up and down as if they couldn't believe their eyes. I didn't blame them. I could feel my sunburnt skin beginning to peel, mixing with the gritty paste of sand and sweat coating every exposed inch.
"Ms Eralyn" one of them tentatively asked.
"Of course!" With my head held high I tried to hoist myself into the back of the convoy, while trying to maintain some degree of dignity. My arms were too shaky to pull myself all the way into the truck, so the soldier that had spotted me was forced to bend down and help me the rest of the way. The soldiers were silent as we bumped and slid over sand dunes. No one felt like talking, talking only brought up touchy subjects. I mostly stared at my feet as we traveled, or at the dusty scenery filled with broken and abandoned cities. “Dust to dust” I whispered, "more like dust to sand."
It wasn't hard to tell when we'd arrived to the Craeten base. The bumpy route began to smooth out, as it became more flat and worn. Looking out the back of the convoy and saw the concrete buildings of headquarters. A pair of well-armed soldiers stood waiting at the loading zone and I cringed back almost immediately. I knew why they had come, and I knew I was in for a lot of shit. The convoy pulled up in front of the pair and the soldiers I had been riding with didn't move, they knew that the escorts didn't want any of them. They were waiting for me.
Still grimy and unstable from days spent trekking through un unforgiving desert front lines I was escorted by the armed guards with their crisp blue uniforms and polished silver dracul crests embroidered on their sleeves. The pair seemed so fresh and clean that you’d never have thought they had ever seen the wastelands, let alone have been born into a warzone. The convoy went on its way after I stepped out into the dust and heat leaving me alone with the two brutes. Together the three of us marched into the largest part of the compound. Concrete walls and bare iron reinforcements, pipework and wiring Were replaced with wood paneling lined with paintings and tapestries the deeper we walked. The art was not cheery, depicting bloody conquest of epic battles from who knows when. The yellowish lighting left the conquerors looking sickly and sallow rather than glorious amidst the bloodshed.
I did my best to match my escorts pace, every time I slowed one of them jerked me forward. They stopped in front of a set of heavy wooden doors guarded by two more soldiers stationed outside. My escorts stopped and nodded, then we were all ushered in.
~Decided that the current perspective wasn't working so ignore the spontaneous change I'll fix the rest hopefully… maybe…:)~
A man in a deep blue uniform adorned with stars and crosses along his silver sash sat at the far end of the room. He was a big man, with a large muscled chest and a equally muscled body to match. Though older it seemed as though he’d win most fights with men half his age. He didn't look up when Eralyn entered but his greying beard twitched as his lips curved into a frown.
"You could have at least cleaned gotten her cleaned up before bringing her into my office." The Lord's voice had a clear and immediate effect on the accompanying soldiers and only one of them managed to turn his nervous spluttering into a coherent sentence.
"Yes- but Sir, you asked to see Ms Eralyn right away."
"Well it's too late now." Looking up from his work Lord Desubond fixed Eralyn with an icy glare.
"So you've returned from playing soldier."
"What? Did you think expect me to just sit around my room all day?" Eralyn looked at the General when she spoke; and if looks could have killed then she would have been dead on the floor. There was no way to properly describe the demeaning look he was giving her. The General strode over and clamped his large hand on Erayn's jaw forcing her to look upwards, leaving her no choice but to stare directly into his pale blue eyes. She wasn't trapped, Eralyn simply knew better than to get physical with the General, in this compound he had the real power. In this compound she was alone.
"You dared to go against my direct orders!" He roared.
His blunt nails were digging into her skin, leaving crescent shaped indents. His grip was tight and uncomfortable. Eralyn tried not to show her discomfort. She didn't even answer, it would have been pointless.
"You have no purpose. If you weren't my daughter I would have been happy never seeing you again. Disrespectful women are useless and should be left in the desert to rot." He spat the words as if they tasted like bile. Eralyn could've felt that hatred even without the lecture, he'd treated her like trash for as long as she could remember.
"Is that what you said to mom? God knows how she put up with you." Eralyn mumbled.
"God knows how that woman put up with anyone." The General answered. Eralyn wasn't expecting an answer nor did she expect the faraway look that slid across his face.
When tensions had somewhat died down there came a knock at the door. One of the escorts that had flanked Eralyn backed away to answer.
Through the door strode two men in the military finery reserved for the highest-ranking officers and nobility. Eralyn recognized the older man by his iconic insistence to wear four gaudy rings chocked with large colored stones. Lord Andrick Levitas of Basiliock, Craeten’s western neighbor held himself with the same presence of power as Lord Desubond but without the overflowing threatening nature. Where Lord Levitas lacked in danger he more than made up for in his over the top flamboyance. From jewelry to partying he seemed more suited for luxury than controlling a nation built on military might. With matching white blonde hair, height and uniform Eralyn came to the conclusion that the second man was the lord’s ever-popular son, Zanders Levitas. Zanders reputation preceded him, perfect white blonde hair that curled ever so slightly to frame his beautiful face, and eyes as green as precious jade for every woman to fall into. Beautiful, powerful and dangerous, there was even something predatory in those eyes that made Eralyn uneasy.
“Welcome Andrick” Lord Desubond’s greeting was curt and proper, no warmth for his guests no matter their title.
“Jonothan! Pleasure to see you again my old friend.” Lord Levitas was clearly not deterred by the lack of enthusiasm he was given. He strode confidently over Jonothan Desubond and took his hand between his in greeting. Something like annoyance flashed across Lord Desubond, but it was gone before lord Levitas could notice.
“My son!” Andrick boomed while guiding Zanders front and center.
“My daughter.” Jonothan’s large hand clamped down onto Eralyn’s arm, as he dragged her to his side. Zanders shook Lord Desubond’s hand with far less enthusiasm than his father. Lord Levitas stuck out his pudgy hand towards Eralyn, but she did not take it. Opting to nod politely instead Eralyn received a scathing look from her father that suggested punishment in the near future.
“A rare beauty, so much like her mother” Andrick said as he retracted his hand and instead ran a single finger down the side if Eralyn's face and under her chin so that Eralyn had to tilt her head slightly back so that she had to look even more directly at Andrick. His rosy cheeks dimpled as he smiled wide enough to show his perfect bleach white teeth.
“So do we have a deal?” Jonothan asked, his fingers still digging into Eralyn’s arm.
“Of course, of course!” Andrick was beaming ear to ear as his eyes roved up and down Eralyn’s body. The pair shook hands once again and Eralyn watched unaware that her fate and freedom was being given away. When all had been said and done the two Levitas Lords took their leave. Now alone with her father Eralyn felt free to speak.
“What just happened?” She blurted out, forget manners something important was going on, something important involving her.
“An alliance has been made, you will serve your purpose. In one months time you will marry Zanders Levitas and leave for Basiliock.”
“Oh! That is so not going to happen!” Eralyn was outraged. Zanders was not the type for marriage and Eralyn would have nothing to do with him. She would not become another of his pretty playthings, not in this lifetime… not in any lifetime.
It was clear that Lord Desubond was not going to tolerate any disapproval from his daughter. He approached her; hand raised and eyes gleaming with hatred.
Jonothan didn't simply strike Eralyn, he practically threw her to the floor. On the floor she was out of range from his fist, but she wasn’t safe from his foot that slammed into her stomach. The air was forced from her lungs and Eralyn felt like throwing up. Coughing and crying she smeared the muck around on her face as she tried to wipe away the tears; Eralyn looked up at her father who was more furious than she had ever seen him.
Turning away from Eralyn’s twisted disheveled figure Jonothan moved towards the doors. The two guards, who had remained silent the entire time, moved aside to let him pass. Before he stepped into the corridor Jonothan turned one last time towards his daughter.
“You are pathetic, you will always be weak just like your mother.” Then Lord Desubond left taking the guards with him and leaving Eralyn alone on the floor.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey Carmen~
I'm getting your second chapter out of the way.
I'm really impressed that you were able to go from first person to third with no slip ups that I could see. Normally when I switch POVs, I get myself all turned around.
Instead of tearing this apart line by line, I'm going to focus on three big things that really bothered me this chapter.
1) It felt rushed. I think this is mainly because the Levitas come and go with really only a few paragraphs. The fact is, whether Eralyn realizes it or not, they're arranging a marriage. In all major cultures marriage is a big deal. There's a lot of ceremony and ritual that surrounds the entire ordeal in most cases. Now, your scene reads like both fathers are checking out the goods and making sure they'll give everything promised. That's fine. That may even be normal, but it seems a little out of their way for a five minutes look see. In the end, connections are more important that appearance in this kind of circumstance.
Not to mention, if the General is basically showing his daughter off, wouldn't he want her to clean up a little? I mean, she almost died, then she marched through the desert for a few days. She'll be dusty and exhausted. Wouldn't he want her to at least freshen up a little before he introduced her to her soon-to-be husband and father-in-law?
I think you just need to elongate the scene a little. Right now it feels like they appeared and then they disappeared. It comes off as a desperate attempt to move the plot forward as it is.
2) In the last chapter we saw that Eralyn is a boss. She survived a bombing and killed six soldiers alone. While a punch from her dad may hurt, she doesn't seem like the kind of girl who gets knocked down very easily. I'm a little suspicious. It seems like her character is tough and weak when it suits the plot.
3) You're veering close to so many cliches right now. You've got the mean misogynistic army dad. You've got the arranged marriage. You've got the independent daughter being forced to do things she doesn't want to and rebelling every so often. You've got the creepy future father-in-law and the beautiful but kind of cold fiance. I'm not saying you can't make this something great. I'm just saying this has been done a lot, and you're going to have to work to make your version something special.
That being said, I love how much you told us about Andrick. I feel like he's real, like I know some of his habits and quirks. You should try to make every character as touchable as he is.
Let me know when the next chapter is out.
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, lemme know.
Megs~
Hello and Happy Review Day!! I don't believe I've read the first chapter so I'm just going to look for nitpicks in here...
Personally, I think this all happened too quickly. Tell us about her hearing the vehicles, or sand flying about as they approached. I also think it was too easy for her to get into the vehicle, have someone help her in?
The 'un' doesn't need to be there. I also feel that this sentence is too long.
Zander's* Also, a little afterwards you say no matter their title, I think no matter what their title was might be better but it's up to you.
That was an intense chapter! The ending was good and left me wanting to know what happens. I hope you keep writing this, from what I've read it's a great story.
Thanks for the review I'm so happy you liked it I will be sure to edit fairly soon
and be out with chapter 3 (just in case your interested)
Ooo, I really liked this.
You have awesome name choice and your writing style is interesting. My corrections;
I'm loving the way you describe things, all your words just seem to flow. I haven't read the first chapter, but I still really enjoyed this. But it is rather short, maybe you could increase the length a little bit.

It was one of the main hellholes in Vermea but still it's where I needed to be unless the sand and sun claimed me. (There should be a comma after 'Vermea')
"Ms Eralyn" (It's 'Mrs. Eralyn'. Unless you're trying to say Miss. And there should be a questions mark after 'Eralyn')
With my head held high I hoisted myself into the back of the convoy, (There should be a comma after 'high')
“Dust to dust” I whispered, (There should be a comma after 'dust')
There are several other sentences like these that are missing commas, but I think you got the idea.
Keep writing, I really loved this!
~BookWolf
Thanks for the review I will be sure to edit after review day!