The Game

This is cute! And bittersweet in some ways.

I really enjoyed the images you gave us, dear, but I felt that, in more places than one, you could connect the images to each other so that they flow better. Also! I kept wondering where the finality of it is, because... it's like, "Sipping a cup of coffee, legs resting on the table", and I need and ending to such a sentence, so I might add "as they watch the sun disappear on the horizon". I can't find the precise words for it, but I hope I'm clear.

At any rate, I love your images! Well done!

June

At first, when I stared reading this, I felt the rhythm was off, but as I got further in to it, I realized, that it wasn't. It was just different. I think that the way you set up the lines and thus the rhythm gives this poem the pull that it needs.
As for everything else, great! The emotions were very tangible and I felt my eyes tearing up and one point, I think around "Wish you could have seen where every tear touched." An extremely powerful piece, from the emotion point of view.
There were only a few tiny things that I found that you might want to change. For example, you might want to put a comma between "How" and "the" in the fourth line. I think that might make it flow a bit better. I think someone already said that. My bad.

So, recap. A wonderful poem. Plain and simple. Good luck with the Creative Writing presentation!

Hi,

I really enjoyed this.I love how the tone changes in the fourth line. I think "warmed" sounds odd, maybe just try "hot."

I'd put a comma before "How" as I think it would flow better if the sentence was just continued on. I'd cut;
"Oh, how I wish you could have seen it"
because I don't think you need it.

I love "Wish you could have seen where every tear touched."

I'd change "Wish I could paint a picture with words to describe the feeling" because it's a little stale, but I love your choice of words in the next line.


I think that;
"How my heart felt like knifes covered every speck of the surface,
How my brain tingled with an unwanted sensation.
How my eyes felt the need to escape my head,
The pain from the moist growing, the smile in my eyes fading."
is too internal. I'd try to bring this concept outside of the speaker through imagery. I'd look instead at how she or he looks at reacts, and how that portrays what they are feeling, and how people around her or him are responding or not responding.

I think;
"Every year, the day before a holiday, we fight.
Every day after, we act like nothing went wrong."
is very powerful.

I think;
"You cheat me out of the happiness other children get,
You cheat me out of the smiles and laughs"
is too internal and that the speaker isn't looking enough at specifics outside of themself.

The last three lines are great, and bring the poem to an effective close. This flows very well as a whole.

Hope this helps, and feel free to p.m me if you have any questions.

Jas

I really like the beginning, and how it goes until about this point >

"How my heart felt like knifes covered every speck of the surface," from this point it seems to drag, and just talks about misery. I'd suggest adding in a lot more description and stuff about what actually happened, and compare things to Christmas day. Less misery, more for thought.

Awh, SAD!!! you did a very good job and I really like it. It's very discriptive, even though slightly depressing. No one wants an empty Christmas. I'm like that with people. When I get in fights, I tend to act like nothing happened, 'cause it's just one of those things you never want to remember.... Anyway, great job, Good luck on your creative Writing presentation. You'll score big with this!!

peace
~*~fairygirl~*~