Young Writers Society

Hi there, captain.classy. I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

So, I really think that you need to follow the old "Show, don't tell" adage here. You're telling us all about this storm and frankly, it's not doing anything for me. If you would describe its actions, how it touches the people that are affected by it, then I think this would be a much better work.

It has potential, don't get me wrong. You just need to work with it to bring that out. Send me a PM if you have any questions or comments about it.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

I really have to agree with Snoink and Kamas on this one. We need more imagery, as you seem to be telling us everything that is happening. It makes this poem fall flat. When you do use some imagery, it is great.

And no matter how hard it pumps,it will never see color again.

The perfect storm will last forever. It will never leave your heart.

I repeat what Snoink said too. You are telling us what the storm can't do, staying in the negative state gets boring. Much too boring

Also, by telling us it will, or won't for that better, your are smothering the reader's imagination. The best poetry coaxes the imagination out, and sets a path for it rather the grab it and shows it what it must see.

Losen up and let your mind wander, describe things use metaphors and you'll create an imagery that the imagination can enjoy.

Keep at it!

Kamas

Stop telling us what it won't do and focus on what it does do! Focusing on what it doesn't do doesn't give us a clear picture of the storm, how lethal it is, what sort of storm is, what the storm's effect is, etc., and that's very important information if we want to understand and respect the effect of the storm, and thus connect with the poem. So quick with the vague "it doesn't do this" and describe the important attributes! Your poem will be much better off that way.