Not based off my story, the Last Storm, but definitely influenced by it.
The last storm can only be seen;
It cannot be touched.
And no matter how hard you want to push it
away,
it will never leave you.
It casts a shadow over year heart,
keeping it dull and gray.
And no matter how hard it pumps,
it will never see color
again.
It keeps a straight course
not having anywhere else to go.
And no matter how much you want to steer it,
nothing will happen,
because some things cannot be turned.
The perfect storm will last forever.
It will never leave your heart.
It will implant a cold, wet shadow,
and seem to be untouched.
But, even though it’s said to be alone
and said to steer its own course,
never in its right mind turn,
there is always something,
or someone,
out there that can make it spin.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,419 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
Hi there, captain.classy. I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today.
So, I really think that you need to follow the old "Show, don't tell" adage here. You're telling us all about this storm and frankly, it's not doing anything for me. If you would describe its actions, how it touches the people that are affected by it, then I think this would be a much better work.
It has potential, don't get me wrong. You just need to work with it to bring that out. Send me a PM if you have any questions or comments about it.
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice
I really have to agree with Snoink and Kamas on this one. We need more imagery, as you seem to be telling us everything that is happening. It makes this poem fall flat. When you do use some imagery, it is great.
I love this line. See how brilliant it is?
Yawn. Show how you want it to leave the heart, perhaps how it might even fight to escape, but then changes it mind.
I just want less telling and more descriptions about the damage this storm can wreak. Good job!
I repeat what Snoink said too. You are telling us what the storm can't do, staying in the negative state gets boring. Much too boring
Also, by telling us it will, or won't for that better, your are smothering the reader's imagination. The best poetry coaxes the imagination out, and sets a path for it rather the grab it and shows it what it must see.
Losen up and let your mind wander, describe things use metaphors and you'll create an imagery that the imagination can enjoy.
Keep at it!
Kamas
Stop telling us what it won't do and focus on what it does do! Focusing on what it doesn't do doesn't give us a clear picture of the storm, how lethal it is, what sort of storm is, what the storm's effect is, etc., and that's very important information if we want to understand and respect the effect of the storm, and thus connect with the poem. So quick with the vague "it doesn't do this" and describe the important attributes! Your poem will be much better off that way.