First poem.

Hello my friend! Review here! I'm actually new here to WYS, so I'm sorry if this review is lame... Haha!

Anyways, I've heard this story before (I don't remember where), but I loved how you used it as a poem! Your grammar was superb throughout the whole poem! The only thing that I could say was rhythm... It seemed more like a short story than a poem... Each stanza was a bit choppy, but if you evened it out a little, I'm sure it would be great!

Keep up the good work! I look forward to reading more of your works!

~With love, Skyler! <3

Hi Candrew!

I'm kinda new here too, but I am so addicted to YWS already! So much to read, so much to review, and so much to write! Isn't it just awesome?

Anyways, I've heard this story before, and I used it in a class assignment. But I loved the way you tried to tell the story using poetry. However, there could have been ways in which you could have done a better job. The way the poem goes, you don't find the rhythm, or the feeling of it. There could have been a little more utilization of vocabulary, however, the simplicity of the poem is very much admirable. But the way I read it, it was more like a short story than a poem.

However, I loved the ending!

When he looked out of the window all there was,
was a brick wall.

The entire suspense created by the end of that sentence is very well conceived. I also noticed that you've made a few punctuation and grammatical errors, so take care of that next time.

And remember, there's always scope for improvement! Keep writing and just watch the way your work progresses. I can't wait to read more!

From an eager reader,
Adygirl

Yikes, that is a sad ending. This could be SO much more powerful. For instance:

Change "kids on bike and having fun"

To something like: "children racing 'round on bikes"

You don't need to say that they are having fun, because bike riding is generally perceived as a leisurely activity, so instead of telling us what they are doing, show us, and let us infer as to whether they are having fun or not by leaving a few minor details to the imagination.

As for the format of the story, I really don't think poetry works for it well. This would make a much better short story, however, I kind of like the ambiguity at the end. It makes me want to know more, to find out why the man lied about what he saw, what caused his death, how the other man felt when he saw not a window but a brick wall. You did an excellent job at using simplicity at the end to conjure questions in the reader. It actually kind of irks me, because now I am really curious.

Well done.

hey!

Candrew!

i loved your piece and i say that the poem is nice. but it shows lackness in rhythmic tone.
this lackness somewhere made your peom a bit like a short story. somewhere you does
some grammatical mistakes, but i can bypass all that stuff in poetry but without rhytm it makes reader little upset. the thene of the poetry is very nice, and you had done a good job. but try to make your poem a bit rhythimical. the end is nice but not proper so you have to work a lot in this peice.

overall everything is nice. good job. Darn your work and feel good.

Hi Candrew!
I love the theme of this poem and the fact that this is your first attempt at a poem, makes it even more commendable!
You do need a lot of technical work, and you can work on the flow of your poem, which is why I'm here to help you out! If you don't mind, I'm going to go ahead and take the liberty of reviewing this poem piece by piece, because I sincerely believe it can be quite a beauty.

Okay, so starting with the first two lines:
"There once were two men in a hospital room,
one hurt his back so he could not sit up,"
The short words of "so he could not sit" kind of brings a halt to your poem, kind of like applying the breaks jerkily. Substitute a word in return for the phrase "so he could not", such as unable, maybe.

Next two lines:
"he wanted to see what was out the window,
he asked the man next to him to tell him what he saw"

You use a lot of past tense, which is fine for your poem, but try not to become repetitive. You use "he ____-ed this, he _____-ed that". In order to fix this, try editing the pattern of your sentences by using subjective phrasing. For example:
"Wanting to see what was out the window,
he asked the man next to him to tell him what he saw".
See how you got rid of an -ed verb?

Next line:
"the man told him he saw children playing and happy people,"
The words "he saw" is another form of past tense. You use too much of this. Try changing it to a prepositional phrase. You can also make your poetry more "flowery" (for lack of a better word) with prepositional phrases.
For example:
"The man told him OF children..."
And instead of using "and happy people" why don't you merge it into one sentence. I'd also suggest doing this, because I think you repeat the concept of children in another stanza. But we'll get to that later.
But for this line, why don't you use the concept of happy children? And to further the point of happiness, and to further your imagery, describe what KIND of children. Schoolchildren, maybe?

Next two lines:
"the next day he asked him again what he saw,
he told him he saw kids on bike and having fun,"
Change the phrase "he asked him again what he saw" to be more concise, more clear. Don't let the reader trip over small words. Add to your flow!
Also I'd suggest changing the "next" day to the FOLLOWING day. Expand your vocabulary!
Since you've already introduced kids/children, why don't you play/tweak the passage of time in your poem? This can also become symbolic of age in general if you do it right.
To make your poem really interesting, I'd introduce young kids, then maybe young teenagers in love, adults reading novels on benches to symbolize the three stages of life. You can use one of each in each stanza.
So instead of "kids on bikes having fun" (psst...also try eliminating your conjunctions such as "and" for even more flow!!!) you could write:
"He told him of young teenagers in love coasting on bikes with baskets" or "riding over hills" or I don't know, that's your choice. Just make it poetic!

Next two lines! (are you exhausted yet?):

"the third day he asked the man again what he saw,
he told him that he saw people flying kites and playing catch,"
So if you take my suggestion, this stanza would be the adult stage. Instead of "people flying kites and playing catch".
Also, you have an inconsistency here. You introduce the phrase "the third day", when previously you've used "the next day" and "the next day". This is also up to you, just make sure you keep your writing in parallel structure (look up what that means if you have to). As a motion to save time, what I mean is either use "the first day", "the second day" and "the third day" to keep a similar format, or just use the original form of using "the next day". Sorry if I explained that a little iffy, I hope you understand!

I think I've given you enough information for you to edit the last few lines of your poem yourself.
I also think I've kind of molested your poem and I'm sincerely sorry for that, but like I said, this poem can be genius! Let me know when you revise it so I can give you a star!

Keep writing, you're doing a very commendable job!
-Sbitonti