Way up in the sky
On a fluffy white cloud
I watch the tiny people
Smaller then ant people
Roll on and on
In their happy lives.
My fluffy white cloud
Expands and turns gray
And down, down I go
As cold rain flies fast.
No longer was I
On my fluffy white cloud
But instead watched a monster
A whirling, twirling monster
Come at me from afar.
The monster devoured houses
And then the cracked earth
A hungry monster looking
For its next delicious dessert.
As it hurtled toward me
With its black eyes gleaming
Sweat falling from its cloudy face
I was lifted up
Up, up
High into the sky
On my fluffy white cloud.
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140,706 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Hello! There is a lot of repetition in here, and when something is repeated once or twice, it works quite well, but if there's too much, it becomes less effective. I'm in two minds about whether there is too much repetition in here or not. At a first read I would say yes, but then I read it again and I didn't feel that way quite so much. Apart from that issue (or non-issue, I haven't decided
) it's pretty good. Quite cute, actually.
This poem isn't bad, but it could be improved
I watch the tiny people
Smaller then ant people
I want cut out the "people in the second line of this, repetition is never too good in poems.
But instead watched a monster
A whirling, twirling monster
The monster devoured houses
And then the cracked earth
A hungry monster looking
For its next delicious dessert.
Now the repetition of the word monster here makes these two stanza's sound like something out of a young childrens story book. try and put in other words to the same effect or try re-writing them slightly with different language. more descriptive
all in all, not bad.
Keep Writing
Halycon