We named her Grandma
And built her a house.
The house on the hill,
Unfinished.
A skeleton.
Forgotten by most.
By her tribe.
By her friends.
But we remembered.
And came
And worked
And tried
For her.
Now her tears
Can turn to joy
And she can have
Her dream.
For we named her Grandma.
Grandma Yellow Horse.
And built her a house.
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
it was okay except I didn't really care.
I felt like there should have been more sensory detail, but this form is really sparse so... maybe a little less of what there already is, and a little more of something else? Does that make any sense?
Hey!
I really enjoyed the poem. It had a reserved and eerie feeling to it. I like the way you use one word sentences. It gives an emphasis and strength in your poetry. I use the one word sentence quite often in my poetry but, then again, I'm no good at poetry anyway. hahaha. I will definitely post some poetry soon and ask you what you think. haha.
But I digress, I think the poem builds up beautifully but the last line leaves me stranded on an island of possibilities...meaning I wonder more about Grandma. I'm not saying you have to give a decisive ending that reveals too much but I'm saying, give a little bit more about grandma. Also, based on the build up of the poem I would suggest a better ending line. One that makes me or any reader say, "damn," or, "whoa, that was awesome/mysterious." The ending line is crucial in poetry. The first line and the last line is what people remember so make memorable.
For example, off the top of my head I know the first and last line of E.E. Cummings' "Anyone Lived."
1st two line: "Anyone lived in a pretty how town/(with up so floating many bells down).
Last twp lines: "Reaped their sowing and went their came/Sun, Moon, Stars, Rain."
They have stuck with me for years.
Good luck and I would love to read more of you poetry. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
Much Love,
Chris
Hi there, callmelola! I'm Conrad, and I will be your reviewer for today.
So, I really liked this poem. It tells a nice little story, in my opinion. You don't really elaborate on much here, but I feel that your sparse wording works to your advantage in this instance. The only problem I have is that I would like more of an elaboration on just who the 'we' is. I feel it would add a nice little touch and make the story that this poem is telling a bit more complete. Consider elaborating on just who Grandma is as well.
Aside from those gripes, good job. I really liked this. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice