In December,
two were taken
And the whole school grieved.
We cried, and said
“Why did this happen?”
But none knew the answer
and we all moved on.
On Good Friday
she tried to go, but failed
And the whole school grieved.
We cried, and said
“Why did this happen?”
But none knew the answer
and we didn’t move on.
Others this year
have met similar fates
to those in December
So we wonder,
Why us,
What changed,
What happened?
But none knew the answer.
Our motto claims
Always take care
Of one another
But we failed,
Why them?
The board said today,
keep her smiling,
And so we shall
But there will be others.
What changed?
Suicide,
they claim,
On the news,
In the evening,
Is common among teens
What happened?
The excuse, they say
Is alcohol,
but there is none.
For she tried to go
And leave this world
Why her?
The only answer they give is
Keep her smiling.
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140,695 Literary Works • 673,631 Reviews
Hi, i dont really get it, but i like it. You sre very creative, and this is quite different to any other poetry I've read. Good choice to put it in other fiction. I dont like the repetition. If thats normal for poetry, then I apologise. Great job
Keep writing.
Biffle
Hi Lola (I mean, you did say I could call you that in your username)!
Okay, looks like I'm the second reviewer - but no worries there - I'm not going to get nit-picky about punctuation etc - I think you'll be able to spot it quite easily yourself.
Overall, my feeling from this poem was actually very...bland. I think this is because you have been too literal and too explicit in the poem about everything. Try brightening it up (or rather, darkening it down) with some more imagery, as that's what poems are all about. Also think about your sentence structure a lot more - I mean, of course shorter sentences have greater impact, but if you CONTINUOUSLY (sorry - that looks like I'm shouting) use short sentences, then they actually lose their impact and become very tasteless.
My favourite lines were :
And this was because you evoked a bit of mystery here, without being explicit. This was quite the heartbreaking image, actually.
This was a truly met to be an emotional piece and from what i read you are a truly emotional person who has no problem getting out of your box, congrats. One suggestion i could possibly contribute is the use of imagery how did the air and the atmosphere FEEL around you. (: best of luck
I'm jemjive and I guess I am your first reviewer...
I really liked this poem, suicide is a subject that is so touchy that I think it takes a lot of guts, and a good writer to get it right. I think you have nailed it writing wise. Your capatalization and punctuation is quite spotty though, Some places you will have a comma and then the next line will have a lowercase letter, others will be capatalized after a comma. I think you need to check those parts out. If you would like any help on where I am talking about feel free to PM me or anything, I will help, but I will leave it up to you to decide if you want help or not.
I will say it once more, great poem