In my dreams I'm always chasing a little white rabbit
He leads me to what looks like a rabbit hole,
I end up falling in and find myself in a place called wonderland.
This place is different from my home, its a little, no a lot, weirder
They say this place is ruled by someone evil
Something about a heart?
I remember now, her name is the Queen of Hearts.
During my journey I lost track of the little white rabbit,
But I did find out he works for the person who is evil,
I know why he lead me to the rabbit hole,
And granted what I'm about to say might sound weird,
But I'm supposed to rule this place called wonderland.
I have grown quite find of wonderland.
I see now why the people fear the Queen of Hearts
I met her, and its safe to say that she, like wonderland, is very, very weird.
I feel bad for the little white rabbit,
Apparently he has been waiting for me to fall through the rabbit hole.
Waiting for me to defeat wonderland's greatest evil.
I understand why they think the Queen is truly evil,
She terrorizes the people of wonderland.
I'm glad I fell down that rabbit hole
Even though I do not want to kill the Queen of Hearts,
I want to help my friend the little white rabbit
And all of the other creatures in wonderland, even if their a little weird.
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130,455 Literary Works • 671,513 Reviews
Hey Dark Prizm, here!
So first of all I really like the punctuation you used it is very well done. I love Alice and Wonderland so to me this is really cool.
Keep writing and stay cool
greetings, your writing is a bit chaotic. Your writing also have phrases that aren't really needed. For example. "its a little, not a lot weirder," you didn't have to put "not a lot" because you indicated that "its a little" beforehand. Also, i feel like you should have put something between lines six and seven, you should leave your reader wanting to know who the evil one is, it'll make them want to stay longer and find out, alongside that during the battle is when you should mission the queen of hearts name. Mainly because the reader just found out a mystery and you in the climax, which is you trying to defeat the current ruler. to be fairy honest i wanted to stop reading on the second line. Also, you didn't end your writing well either, it's like a cliffhanger, you left your reader suspended. lastly, be careful on reusing the same word over and over again like evil and weird, try using synonyms.
Hello there, caitiemfetters.
This is Moonwatcher here for day two of Review Month.
Wonderland. Nice. But I suggest maybe adding a bit of metaphor here and there. Nothing really stands out here, and it's kind of boring and bland. The repetition of weird isn't so necessary, and I'd give out examples (as falconer suggested) or maybe replace the word with synonyms.
I also noticed that several lines in the poem begin in "I" and "And". I feel like maybe some can be taken out, or replaced with another word.
The "its" would be "it's" here. I also believe the comma would go after "no" instead of after "lot".
*fond
Add a comma after "friend".
"Their" should be "they're".
Hope this helps!
Hello there!
This is a cute little poem, but I noticed several grammar mistakes and have some other suggestions as well.
I think you should emphasize "no a lot" by creating a bigger break in this line. For example, "This place is different from my home, it's a little- no, a lot- weirder". When "its" represents "it is", you need to have an apostrophe!
I think you mean "fond" here.
Your "it's" here also needs an apostrophe!
"Their" should be "they're", representing "they are".
Grammar aside, this seems like a nice poem. However, it is pretty flat. You don't have very much imagery and the emotions aren't very strong. How about confusion when falling and trying to figure out where you are? You also mention that it's weird a lot- perhaps you could use specific examples to show how it's weird, and what's going on. I think this would very much improve your poem and put it on a different level. Additionally, I think that you need to organize your tense. It seems to be mostly present, but you slip into the past when you say, "During the journey, I lost track..." Isn't the journey still continuing? Also, perhaps the reader doesn't know what's going on. What journey is it? You don't talk about a lot of the narrator's actions, just the fall and a few emotions. Don't be afraid to try and expand and experiment! Have fun with it- it's wonderland, after all.
Keep up the good work!
-Falco