Here, I lay between the rubble of a new day
Relishing the face a stone’s throw from Heaven,
Leavened with the musings of a sight for sore
Eyes divine with light beaming
From wet limbs yearning for rays of
Time spilled through your silky pores.
‘Tis such a beauty to claim the creation
Of a creature composed of innocence.
In a sense of bewilderment of everything holy,
Mingling with the smallest lips and tiniest toes,
Your tender existence tore through time itself.
Blurred the barriers between dawn and dusk
‘Til my burnt flesh grew soft enough
To hold you in the palm of my hand.
You had been birthed onto this earth with
Fists fraught to find something worth holding.
Your vessel has yet to grow in a place
That wishes to keep you small.
Purity yet polluted.
I shall spend my life shrouding you away
From the unholiest sepulcher
Void of unctuous bloodshed.
I shall tame every toneless tune
To grace your small ears so you may
Forever hear harmony.
Bear witness to the blistering of bejeweled horizons,
my darling. We have been waiting to meet you.
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140,572 Literary Works • 673,518 Reviews
This poem is so sweet and pure. Your attempt to shield your child from the profane evils of this world is deeply touching. The way you describe the bond with your daughter is also truly beautiful and moving. I really love writing poems like this too—haha—so I’m a bit biased.
Thank you so much!! I don’t personally have kids but I feel like this would be my way of saying welcome~ Also! I checked out some of your poetry, oh my goodness it’s amazing! Thank you again
Hi Cactuslily,
So, this poem honestly felt really soft but also heavy at the same time. Like you're reading about a newborn, but underneath that, there's this fear of the world they'll have to grow up in. I really liked that contrast.
The language is very pretty. Some lines genuinely hit hard, especially "Fists fraught to find something worth holding" and "Blurred the barriers between dawn and dusk." Those stayed with me for a while. The ending also felt warm, like finally taking a deep breath after all the tension.
That said, I think some parts are a bit too packed with big words. I had to reread a few lines because there were so many poetic words together that the emotion got slightly hidden. Sometimes simpler wording can actually make the feelings hit even harder. It's one of those poems where you're like, "Damn, this is beautiful," but then your brain also goes, "Wait... what did I just read?"
Overall though, it's a really strong piece. It feels personal, protective, and full of love without sounding cheesy. It has that kind of writing that slowly grows on you after a second read.
Thank you so much! I got too excited with the assonance and alliteration haha! I was wondering if it came off a bit too wordy- especially in the first stanza so I'll definitely try paring it down a bit. Thank you so much for the feedback!! <3
Wow! I adore this poem! The vocabulary is insane, I had to lock in for this one T-T
But goodness! This is amazing!
My favorite part is
“ Mingling with the smallest lips and tiniest toes,
Your tender existence tore through time itself.
Blurred the barriers between dawn and dusk
‘Til my burnt flesh grew soft enough
To hold you in the palm of my hand.”
Everything about this part is very beautifully to me. I know this a poem, but this verse was :poetic: if that makes sense. It’s very visual.
I can’t even find the words. This was just beautiful.
Keep up the great work! Mwah Mwah! <3
-STARRYY
Thank you so much!! I'm glad you enjoyed it hehe <3