Chapter 2
I woke up in a hospital room. My foot was wrapped up and Micheal was sitting in a chair on the other side of the room. "What happened" I asked.
Micheal shrugged. "I guess you blacked out." He said.
I swinted at him "Is that a black eye?" I asked.
He covered it up. "Is it that noticeable?" he gulped.
"Yea" I remarked "It is!" I hobbled out of bed and towards the door.
"What are you doing?" Micheal challenged. I glanced at him.
"I'm going back to our dorm!" I retorted.
"B-But the doctor said you had to stay in the hospital for awile. So he could make sure it wasn't infected." He debated.
I glared at him. "I have a study date with Zoey Anderson I am not going to miss that!" I proclaimed.
He looked at me clearly awed. "You got a date with Zoey Anderson! She's the hottest girl in collage!" he stammered.
"Thats why I have to leave here" I insisted. Micheal hesitated before stepping between me and the door.
"Sorry" He trembled. "But doctor said-"
I cut him off. "So help me if you don't let me leave I will break you!" I growled. Micheal then started shaking with terror. I rolled my eyes "Sorry." I drawled.
He nodded. "I'll drive you to the dorm" He breathed. He drove me home in silence. The doctor had given me crutches to walk on. I hurried to lounge so I wouldn't be late for meeting Zoey. She gasped as I arrived to where we were meeting.
"What happened!" She shrieked. I thought about how I could make fighting with Jack sound heroic.
"I got in a fight with Jack." I told her.
She looked at me in awe. "That's so brave." She marveled.
I grinned. "Yea I guess so." I said flashing her a smile.
She giggled. "Can I sign your cast?" She asked. I quickly nodded. Maybe to quicky. She grabbed a pen off the desk and started writing. After a second she stopped writing and smiled. "Done!" She anounced. I stared at what she wrote. It said "Hope you feel better soon! XOXO - Zoey" I grinned with pleasure at this. After that there was an awkward silence. "You better go get some rest for your foot to heal." She told me. I nodded and headed for my dorm. When I got there I read the book I was reading before Jack showed up. But I couldn't focus. The book brought back the horrible memory of Jack. I sighed and set down the book. Then there was a knocking at the door. I crossed my fingers hoping it wasn't Jack. I hobbled over to the door and peeked through the peep hole. On the other side was my brother John. I scrunched up my face wondering what he was doing here. But yet I still opened the door. Little did I know sometime soon I would regret opening the door. John quicky hurried in and slammed the door shut. He glanced around suspiciously.
"Is anyone else here?" He growled. I took a step back very much confused.
"No" I awnsered slowly.
He let out a sigh. "Good."
I stared at him. "What are you doing here?" I asked.
John frowned. "Our family gone bankrupt." He reported. But that still didn't explain why he was acting weird.
"Ok?" I awnsered him. Not sure what to say.
He rolled his eyes. "I have a plan." He explained. "We are going to kidnap some kids! Then with the money we will no longer be poor."
I gaped at him. I couldn't grasp what he was saying. "Kidnap." I repeated.
John's eyes seemed to twinkle. "Yea" He said "Were going to kidnap Jacks younger siblings."
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
Hola! I'm back
So Malachi fixed most of them but it's spelled "awhile" instead of "awile."
I'm also a little distracted from the content by all the dialogue tags. It's okay to say "he sighed...she snorted" or whatever, but not all dialogue needs a tag. You can take a couple of them off and it will flow better.
Zoe very well may be the hottest girl in their college, but honestly most colleges are way too big to tell. They have lots of people you might not ever have seen in your four years there and no one knows everyone so like in grade school and sometimes high school. Even so, it's not the same comparison as the "hottest girl in our high school" which even then is a stretch because everyone thinks different things are attractive. Anyway, the point is that he should just say how hot she is and leave out the "in college part."
I feel like he should have argued with her. If he was so set on leaving the hospital to see her than he would have argued more about resting.
I also think you need some more sentence variety. It's a lot of he this I that so just mix it up a little.
It's spelled "answered."
The story's not bad. Everything in both parts so far is awfully dramatic though. I'd say tone it down a little and thin, would this happen in real life? Would I say this in this situation?
Overall just try to do a final look over and spell check before you submit.
Keep writing!
Change out
Here are a few of your sentences, re-done wit the correct punctuation.
I swinted at him
I squinted at him.
"Yea" I remarked
"Yeah!" I remarked, "It is!"
collage!"
college!"
"Thats why I have to leave here"
"That's why I have to leave here." I would italicize the word that or the word have. It makes an emphasis on the word.
"Sorry"
"Sorry."
Those are several punctuation errors. There are a few misspellings as well. I would re-read your writing and fix them. This story is still interesting; does it go with your chapter :"Trapped"?
Also, I noticed that at the end you once again didn't leave a line between dialogue lines and non-dialogue lines.
Keep it up!
Let's cut to the chase.
Yep, you really need to stop using replacements for "said." Using all these "exclaimed," "cried," "shouted" thingies tend to divert the reader's attention from the dialogue. Do you want them to focus on the dialogue or on your vast vocabulary? I'm guessing the dialogue. I'll review as I read along then:
" I swinted at him "Is that a black eye?" I asked.
He covered it up. "Is it that noticeable?" he gulped."
There's a spelling mistake here. It's "squinted."
Then there's:
""Yea" I REMARKED "It is!" I hobbled out of bed and towards the door.
"What are you doing?" Micheal CHALLENGED. I glanced at him.
"I'm going back to our dorm!" I RETORTED.
"B-But the doctor said you had to stay in the hospital for awile. So he could make sure it wasn't infected." He DEBATED."
Trust me, it doesn't make your writing look professional. It just gives the impression that you're trying too hard. If you used "said" in place of "challenged" and "debated," it would make your dialogue and descriptions much more balanced. There's a typo up here as well (awile: awhile.)
"I glared at him. "I have a study date with Zoey Anderson I am not going to miss that!" I proclaimed.
He looked at me clearly awed. "You got a date with Zoey Anderson! She's the hottest girl in collage!" he stammered."
Spelling mistake up here too.
Then... the ending... it just doesn't make sense. It seems weird and unrealistic. Is this seriously the kind of thing college students would do, or guys at a boarding school with high levels of immaturity? Then the thing with Zoey... sorry, that just made me inner-gag. You could rewrite your story so the characters are younger( and please cut the Zoey thing. It's out of place and pointless!) and you could develop a plot. Say, a rivalry between two students that leads to disastrous results and ends up teaching them a well-deserved lesson?
You could do something with this after a bit of re-writing. Re-read your work before posting it. Check it for mistakes, spelling errors, etc.
I hope this review was helpful, =)
~Pompadour
Lots and lots of punctuation needs fixing, dude. You have tons of sentences fused together without any punctuation, comma splice or period or otherwise, and some quotes just end without any marks besides the quote marks. And then the whole romance thing...you know what? I'm not even going to go there. It's trite enough as it is.
And, dude. I'm a college kid. The first thing that comes to mind with "ohno we're broke" is "need to talk with the financial aide office," not "go kidnap worst enemy's siblings." Not cool, dude. We made it into college. Give us more credit than that.
Some of the spelling in this entry has gone a bit awry. I wonder if you've done this in a bit of a hurry? 'awnsered!'
You've still got your different character's lines of dialogue on the same line, and some of the punctuation is a bit sketchy. This needs work format wise, but the content is good. Keep going and just work on the technical features.
Good work!
Thanks for the comment!