Chapter 1
Dan sat in his dorm room reading. He was an intelligent 22-year-old. He was popular and considered very handsome with his dark brown hair and matching eyes. He couldn't ask for anything more. As he read he heard footsteps in the hall as if someone had been running. His dorm room door swung open, Revealing his pitiful roomate Micheal. Micheal slammed the door shut and quickly locked it. There was pounding on the door and shouting. Dan looked up from his book. "What is it now?" I asked. By now I was used to Micheal being bullyed. Micheal's blonde hair was all messed up, one of his glasses lens was broken, and his face was red from running.
"J-Jack" Micheals voice shook "He got mad at me because I tripped and fell into him"
I put my hand up to my face "Why? Why do you have to be so clumsy?" I muttered.
Micheal shrugged helplessly. "I didn't mean to do it!" Micheal argued.
"Try telling Jack that!" I shouted.
A single tear rolled down his cheek "Please help me" He whimpered. I sighed and walked to the door. Micheal quickly hid in the bathroom. I slowly opened the door to see Jack. His fiery red hair obviously matching his mood. Jack was known for his short temper.
"Hi Jack!" I said Forceing myself to sound cheery. "Whats up?"
Jack's eyes fixed on mine."let me through I'm going to kill Micheal!" He yelled, shoving me to the side. Jack ran into the dorm room searching for Micheal. I ran up to him pressing on his chest ordering him to get out. There was one problem. Jack was basicly a skyscraper. As if I was a useless string that was on his sweatshirt, he threw me aside. I hit the wall and a pain shot threw my body as I fell to the floor. I layed there. My limbs aching. Finally Jack opened the bathroom door and there was Micheal. Micheal looked around the bathroom looking for a way to excape. As he relized he was trapped a look of panick spread across his face. Jack started to close in on him. Micheal backed up until he was against the wall. I closed my eyes shut not wanting to watch Micheal's pain. But then there was a sound. A sound so great it made me want to dance with joy.
The hall monitor.
"Hey!" He shouted. "Whats going on here?" I opened my eyes to see Jack with his own look of terror and Micheal behind him standing victoriously. It was Andrew. Number 3 of seven hall moniters. But truthfully he was my favorite. He first pulled Jack away from Micheal and then he walked over to me. "Are you ok?" he asked and I relized that I couldn't feel my left foot.
"My foot" I moaned. Andrew helped me up and I leaned against him.
Andrew pointed a finger at Jack. "I'll talk to you later" He growled and lead me out the door. I hopped to the elevator and we rode down to the first floor. "I'll take you in my car" He told me. I could tell by his worryed face that he ment take me to the hospital. I didn't dare to make eye contact with him as I nodded. "Just let me get my keys." he said and left me there. Suddenly I felt dizzy and then everything went black.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
Whoa! I was reading the first sentence and BOOM! the perspective changes from third to first person just like that. I would suggest keeping it on one perspective. If you want to be more detailed with everyone's individual thoughts then keep it in third-person.
You need an apostrophe in Micheal's. also, you need a period at the end of the sentence.
"J-Jack" Micheal's voice shook.
Like that.
As if I was a useless string. The if should be in. I noticed that you missed a period where Jack yells at Dan. Also, I'm not sure that Dan would explode at Micheal so quickly. You miss a period when Dan moans about his foot.
I don't mean to be harsh, those are really not very big problems, just little things that can be fixed quickly. the story itself is interesting, and I'll get to chapter two soon enough.
Keep it up!
Hello! You were such a nice person to me I figured I'd come over here and give feedback! Be warned, I sometimes ramble and make no sense, also I can get carried away and sometimes do long reviews so we'll see as we go
An opening clause like this always needs to have a comma before the next part of the sentence starts.
Okay, so reading on I see that you switch from third person to first person and back again. That switching makes it really hard to concentrate on the content because I'm so focused on all the switching. You should never ever switch back and forth like that; consistency is your friend. So it seems like you use first person more so just switch all the "he"s in the beginning to "I"s.
So I know this is going backwards a little but these sentences are related so that should be a semicolon. In general, all these sentences are sort of short and simple. By combining some of them you can have a more complex syntax and that will make the piece easier to read and also more interesting. The whole thing will flow better whereas now it feels sort of start and stop. Does that make any sense?
So this is a little nitpicky and really an overall small detail, but having "closed" and "shut" it redundant so you really only need one to get the point across.
Generally it's a rule to type out any number under 10.
So...where to start? This escalated very quickly. I didn't really feel like I got to know the characters very well before all the action started and I felt like "AAHHHH, I'm not ready." So a little more background and set up would be nice. I also felt like a first Dan was sort of blaming Micheal for being bullied but then he was sympathetic so that was sorta inconsistent. In real life I think Dan would not have opened the door, knowing that Jack was big and furious. I also feel like everything was very extreme, being thrown against the wall and all that. And now I'm totally losing my thoughts so I'll put them in when I review Part Two.
Well, there were a lot of minor issues. Biggest thing, the narrative tense. Is this from Dan's perspective? Then why is Dan described in third person (he, his, etc.), and then you switch to first person (I, me, etc.)? Pick a narrative stance and stick with it.
Also, your fragments. Example, first paragraph, "His dorm room door swung open. Reveiling his pitiful roomate Micheal." Now, there's also some spelling errors in these two segments (another issue that was throughout the story, such as worryed instead of worried), but "Reveiling his pitiful roomate Micheal" is not a sentence. If you just removed the period and replaced it with a comma for "His dorm room door swung open", you'd fix the issue. Spelling notes: revealing, not reveiling; roommate, not roomate.
Hope this helps!
Thanks for the help!
Great Story so far! Cant wait to read number two. You obviously have a talent for story writing, keep up the good job! Just remember to spell check and read over your work before you publish it. But overall a GREAT Job!
^___^ -Caitlin (SonicRainboom)
This writing is really good, particularly for your age. However, one big thing I noticed was that your lines of dialogue appear on the same line. This is a BIG NO for professional looking formatting. Make sure, every time a new character speaks that their line of dialogue appears on the next line. Also, use dialogue at the end of the lines of speech, such as: "Just let me get my keys," he said... Make sure you use a comma, or other punctuation.
Other than that, I am interested to see what the next chapter of your story has in store. Good job.
Not to be mean, but i think it might for the writer of this story to be able to understand your review easily, which means you should probably fix all the spelling problems you have. It just doesn't seem to make much if you do a review but you yourself have all these spelling problems.