Chapter 3
I stood there for a ridiculously long time staring at him. "Why do we have to do it?" I finally asked.
He sighed. "We need money quick and with you in college and I only work at Burger Boy. We could never get enough money in time. With this idea we can be rich in just a couple of days!" He exclaimed.
I hesitated. "How are we going to pull it off?" I asked.
John waved his arm at me. "I already have all the plans done. In fact we are doing the kidnapping tommorow!" He told me cheerfully.
I didn't feel happy though. "We?" I growled. "There will be no we. Your'e in on this by yourself." I turned to leave.
"Wait! Wait! Wait!" John called. "Have you not thought about our family living on the streets?"
I froze midstep and sighed John had me beat. "Fine" I told him.
"Good." He said sounding pleased with himself. "We just need one last person to help us!"
I glared at him. "I thought you said all the plans were taken care of?" I challenged.
John suddenly wouldn't look me in the eye. "Most of the plans are taken care of." He muttered.
I hesitated. Thinking if Micheal might want to kidnap Jacks younger siblings. I decided to at least tell John about Micheal. "I have a room mate who might want to help." I said trying to sound causal. There was nothing causal about this though.
John nodded thinking. "Ask him!" John ordered.
"What if he says no?" I asked.
He shook his head disaprovingly. "I'll do it!" He said.
"Which of Jack's siblings are we going to kidnap?" I questioned.
John pulled out a photo of three cheerful looking kids. One boy and two girls. He pointed toward the only boy. "His name is Gabe." He reported. "Gabe is 14" He then pointed at the oldest girl. "That is Tabby, She is 11 And lastly" John continued. "The youngest girl CeCe, Who is 6. CeCe isn't her real name though. Her real name is Georgia, But she hates being called that."
I nodded. "Looks like you know your stuff." I croaked. I stared at the picture of the kids. They were so happy. I hated myself for doing this.
Just then the door opened and in trotted Micheal. "Um Hi." He said awkwardly to John.
"Is this your room mate?" John hissed in my ear. I nodded. "So you hate Jack right? Well Dan and I are planning to kidnap his younger siblings. Do you want revenge?" he said. A wicked smile appeared on Micheal's lips (I was suprised by this) And Micheal nodded. John held out his hand for Micheal to shake. They shook hands clearly making an unspoken agreement. My jaw dropped. I never thought of Micheal as a kidnapper. Then again I never thought myself as one.
"So now what?" Micheal asked.
"Now we wait till tommorow." John awnsered. I stared at John and Micheal. I wasn't sure if these were the people I knew and loved.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,828 Reviews
I couldn't go more than a few sentences. I'm sorry but this just doesn't make sense. It'd totally wrong. No one, NO ONE, instantly decides to kidnap some random kids when they go bankrupt. The family would be trying to get loans, handouts, something, but not kidnap. and Dan would not agree so easily, neither would John be so enthusiastic. Even if they did decide to do this then they wouldn't be all happy and excited. They would feel guilty about it.
And I forgot to mention this from chapter 2, but you really need more detail about John's foot. You didn't say much about it when Dan hit the wall, and you haven't said anything about since. Does it hurt, are the crutches uncomfortable, or are the annoying?
I can't go on, sorry for this being the last review, but I just can't see this being the path that John and Dan would take. Your writing skills themselves aren't bad, but the story just isn't believable.
Okay, I had to stop reading. I seriously had to stop reading this. As dumb as college kids may be at times, this whole kidnapping thing is way too stupid to be realistically passable. How is this even supposed to work with Dan (or whoever the Main Character is, since you never specified that) having a broken foot. At least, I think it's broken, but you never said that. I've been around college long enough to know how even some of the dumbest ones act. And dude, if John's really that stupid, he'd be drinking himself under a table for as long as the money lasts, not trying some ridiculous get-rich-quick hostage scenario. And how did he even find out all this information? Stalker...
I'm sorry, but this insult to YA intelligence just doesn't appeal to me. When you get to be that age, you'll understand what I'm saying.
Ok. The content of the story is excellent, as is the pacing. But there are some glaring grammatical and spelling errors here.
'collage' should be 'college.'
'infact' is two words 'in fact.'
'Your in on this...' should be 'You're...'
Sorry to be so picky, but it really stands out.
Also, I have never seen the spelling of 'Michael' like 'Micheal' before. I wonder, if this is deliberately done, or a mistake?
Anyway, other than the technical faults, a very good, short and sweet piece of prose. Congrats.
Thanks for the help!