Your body,
Bruise ridden,
Your paper skin dappled with ink,
Besmirched with stains of purple and blue,
Your body, ruined
Because of me.
Your eyes,
Once so intense,
Seem to have died.
The vibrant green that once held the gaze of so many
Stares down, nestled in a rim of black
Because of me.
I smile as you cry,
Your tears are so pretty.
Teeth carve into my palms, leaving scars as I muffle your screams,
But I don't mind,
You have the same scars.
Your fragile veins, so delicately placed beneath your flesh.
The blue strings are holding you into place, keeping you here.
I will follow as you leave.
You will finally be beautiful,
I promise.
Your sobbing and shrieking are in vain, your begging softens.
I cradle you, listening to you whisper hollow prayers and goodbyes.
Your final breath is so soft, so gentle.
There is nothing but the placid hum of harsh lights above.
Your lips, colorless but more alive than ever, are smiling.
I am beautiful.
I am you.
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141,270 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
Hey! I'm here to review your poem :3
Can can see by reading this that you have a natural talent when it comes to words. This was really beautiful.
Your body,
Bruise ridden,
I especially loved this line
Your paper skin dappled with ink,
Besmirched with stains of purple and blue,
Your body, ruined
Because of me.
Your eyes,
Once so intense,
Seem to have died.
The vibrant green that once held the gaze of so many
Stares down, nestled in a rim of black
Because of me.
I smile as you cry,
These two lines seem odd. "because of me I smile" Maybe it's a mistake with the punctuation. I don't know.
Your tears are so pretty.
Teeth carve into my palms, leaving scars as I muffle your screams,
But I don't mind,
You have the same scars.
Your fragile veins, so delicately placed beneath your flesh.
The blue strings are holding you into place, keeping you here.
I will follow as you leave.
You will finally be beautiful,
I promise.
Your sobbing and shrieking are in vain, your begging softens.
I cradle you, listening to you whisper hollow prayers and goodbyes.
Your final breath is so soft, so gentle.
There is nothing but the placid hum of harsh lights above.
Your lips, colorless but more alive than ever, are smiling.
I am beautiful.
I am you.
This was so amazing. I really loved it. I haven't read something this good in a while. I don't have much to say and I'm sorry about that. I really am awestruck. Wow.
I hope this helped somehow,
Alice
Heyo! SilverBerry here! I must say that I'm the kind of person who doesn't like a poem if it doesn't rhyme, but this one seemed to change my opinion. I liked the depth of it and the mood throughout the poem, so good job! There isn't much to actually fix but I'm going to try anyways.
"Your body,
Bruised ridden,
Your paper skin dappled with ink," - I don't think that the first two lines have to be separate sentences, especially because of the way the third sentence if written. If you did it like this I feel as if the third sentence should've been two lines as well. I hope that makes sense. Also, I like your use of the word "dappled" here.
"Once so intense,
seem to have died,
The vibrant green that once held the gaze of so many" - Again, this line is so beautiful. But since you use the word "once" in the line before it maybe you can change it to "...that had held..." instead of "that once held". But that's up to you!
Actually I can't really find much else! Wonderful job! The only thing that I may suggest is to break up some of the lines to make stanzas to make it easier to read but either way it's great. Nice job and keep writing!
ooOOOOOOOOooooOOooOoo
I like this. The plot twist thing. I expected it, because I am quite familiar with this concept of treating yourself as another individual when it is, actually, yourself. I like how at first, you tell the readers that you are ruined, whatnot, all because of, yourself. And then, when we get closer to the end, we see some sort of revelation. A conclusion - a realization, that even with darkness, you are beautiful.
And we get to the end, revealing that the 'you' our narrator is talking about, is actually him/herself.
Maybe I like this because of a personal reason. Maybe because it's similar to one of my short stories/informal essays that got lost sometime in my life. And now, I feel like I've discovered it, all over again.
Personally, I don't like the varying length of the lines. Some lines are short, some are long, and it damages the rhythm a little bit for me. And there are some places that need full stops instead of commas - though I suppose you can ignore that in your poem.
Another suggestion is that you separate this poem into more stanzas - though I do like the effect this one stanza makes.
There's many things you can do with this poem. Experiment on it. It seems great, yes, but it can improve more.
---Wait, did I perceive your poem right? I am also curious. It's because the ending is rather vague. The last two lines - I'm sure - reveal that the narrator is actually talking about him/herself, but the lines before that say something else. Final breath? I seem to not understand it well, though that might just be me, because I'm stupid at comprehension.
Welp, that's all.
As always, Happy Writing~
Hi, thank you for commenting on my poem. I really appreciate your suggestions and will definitely consider them for my next poem.
I would love to answer your question although it's hard to explain. You're right about the narrator and the person called "you" being the same person. The narrator is the dark side of this girl, trying to destroy the only innocence left.
The girl in this poem is two different people in one body, which I wrote from a personal perspective.
The innocent part of her is struggling with the dark part, leading to an internal battle.
The bad side of her eventually ends up killing the good side, resulting in a suicide because they are in one body.
The promise of being "finally beautiful" is meaning that she will be beautiful in death.
I absolutely could have written it more clearly, I just believed that readers would possibly understand better if they were too struggling with things like this.
Thank you so much for the comment and I hope this reply helped answer your question.
Thank you for explaining this poem. I agree that this poem could have been more clear if you rephrase some things. Also, in the end, it doesn't seem like the innocent side has died out and the dark side reigned supreme - yes, the dark side has gotten stronger, but it just seems that the dark side completely overwhelmed the narrator's body as a whole, resulting in a complete death. Death of the soul - not just the innocent side, but the whole person.
Anyways, I like this poem, keep up the good work! You're just new here (one month ago, right?) but you have good word choice.
What exactly are you talking about in the poem? I have interpreted it in my own way and I just want to know if it is the same as the poet's...