And I repeat,
With my cracked lips and stained cheeks,
Bearing a voice almost gone,
“I am alive.”
My canvas of a body,
Inked with black, purple and blue,
Paint bleeding through,
“I am alive.”
Your claws of grief sink into my spine,
Tearing me at the seam,
Even with the blood trickling from my mouth,
I whisper
“I am alive.”
My pale lips desperate
For another sensation,
Another caress of manipulation
To make me whole.
“I am alive.”
My dull eyes enveloped by a sea of veins
Soon close,
The ghost of my final words crumble to dust
“I am dead.”
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hey there, just a few quick observations on this:
Specifics
1. As Ashley says, the title doesn't do this poem justice and could be more interesting. I'm not sure if 'I am alive' is the way to go but maybe something along those lines.
2. I like that you start almost in the middle of something, that really pulls the reader right in. However I think 'cracked lips' is a very common description and I'd be more interested to hear something a little more unique. Like sandpaper mouth or mummified lips. Something with a little more punch.
3. The rhythm and rhyme works nicely. It's subtle ad doesn't feel forced so that's really good.
4. Again some of your wording could be more interesting - claws of grief is very vague. It doesn't give us much to picture; I can think of the claws but what does grief look like? I don't know what to think of after that so instead of telling us the emotion, describe the emotional state through imagery.
5.
Maybe this line could be something like 'Tearing the shadow from my skin' or 'Splitting the atoms of my flesh' ?
Overall
The poem flows nicely and has some good emotion but is missing the imagery which would really build the atmosphere and make your reader feel like they could picture the scene/ connect with the persona. Start thinking about your words more carefully and don't be afraid to use a thesaurus to help you find a more interesting way to say what you want.
Thanks for the read and all the best with this,
~Heather
Oh wow. This was a sad but beautiful poem. You did a marvelous job writing that. The visual it gives and the emotion is so real that I actually feel it and see it. There is really nothing wrong with this one. The title though didn't really catch my attention. Try calling it I am Alive. It would suit it better. The flow from line to line was great and it kept me reading. Overall you did a wonderful job writing this poem. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!
AshleyDashley
Thank you so very much. I'm very happy that my poem is able to provoke emotions from the readers, I was hoping it would. I appreciate the advice about the title, I will remember that for my next poem. Your comment means a lot, thank you.
Your welcome!