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Water

by bloodstring


Water is one of our basic needs,

We would die without it,

Because it helps the body,

To function properly.

At times it's very friendly,

Other times it's our enemy,

But keep it in mind daily,

That we should save it.


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Fri Oct 07, 2016 11:03 pm
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

Props to you for an opinion piece. It can be pretty hard to get those out there.

My main comment with this is how generic it is. Good message, important message, something I've heard a lot before. It's the basics of the water conservation argument, but it's not much more than that.

Reach beyond the stuff on the surface. What is something concrete we can hold onto? Maybe add some contrast— what is dryness like? The agony of not having water could make this piece more vivid, because right now there's a lack of tension. There's a lack of reason to read, to really believe what being said.

The formatting is on the basic side, as well. There's nothing wrong with punctuation at the end of every sentence, but it's not mandatory for poetry. This article goes into more detail about how to punctuate poetry, and I'd suggest looking at it for this piece to mix it up. It would help the feelings overall, that everything had a purpose.

All in all, this is short and sweet but fluffy and forgettable. Reach beyond the basics about the necessity of water to give readers something they can sink their teeth into. Use the first thoughts as a base, but keep going deeper and deeper into them until you get something that has your voice to it.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




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Fri Oct 07, 2016 10:41 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

My main problem with this poem is that it was really basic all around. There aren't /any/ details here that go into more depth, a lot of the stuff here is just bluntly stated without having anything more to it. This is a stick figure of a poem. It's a skeleton of a poem, the imagery is the flesh, and you have none here.

Water is one of our basic needs,

We would die without it,

Because it helps the body,

To function properly.


The start of the poem is weak as it doesn't add anything new to the subject of water. We know that water is one of our basic needs and that we would die without it, so add something that is from you and isn't straight-up fact. Facts aren't poetry just because you state them in lines of poetry. To make this your own, you have to do some form of transforming these facts and using them to make poetry. There are a lot of things that you could have written about that's based on water. Get creative with it. You could have made imagery with the weather cycle of water always going back up to the sky and evaporating, or maybe a lack of water, or maybe about different bodies of water and what lives inside them.

At times it's very friendly,

Other times it's our enemy,

But keep it in mind daily,

That we should save it.


In the whole poem there isn't really any line /or/ punctuation variation, and it would have been nice to see it changed up, because there it's already a short poem and it gets repetitive with the format. Change up the line length to where there are short and long lines, not all the same, that's not saying that you can't have lines that are the same length, but when it's /every/ line, it gets repetitive.

There's a pattern with the punctuation that I could easily spot and I suggest for you to ditch the lines being like "Line start, comma, comma, comma, period." for each four lines and instead give it some diversity. Use semicolons, don't use commas sometimes, use commas sometimes, make it more interesting. It may not seem like a thing that affects the poem like the line length or the punctuation, but it does even more than you may think.

Explain more about the first two lines here, how is it friendly, how is it our enemy? Give us more than just a word to describe it. You could give imagery of wild storms and then give other imagery of water being friendly, maybe soft rain or swimming or something of that sort. The last two lines kind of wrap it up with a kind of theme that's been heard before, and it was unfortunate that it didn't add anything new to saving water or anything like that. You could have talked about how the earth and sky recycles water and we shouldn't waste that water because even though that happens it could still be needed.

I hope this helped and have a great day!




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Fri Oct 07, 2016 4:05 am
yellow wrote a review...



Hello! Ely here with a review.

I haven't done a review in quite a while, so bear with me.

First off, this is just borderline grocery list writing. It's like facts that everyone knows. You need lots and lots of details to really make this work.

My suggestion is to make your topic a metaphor. If it's a metaphor, then the reader will think about it and they will go into their own interpretation about it. To achieve that, jam pack it with detain and make a connection to whatever you please.

I would definitely expand your vocabulary because these words are basic. Use imaginative words, make it interesting as possible.

Do as much as you can to improve of this. You already have your topic, you just need to build off of it. This is basic grocery list writing. You don't want that in any literary work, especially a poem, and they can be a bit tough to avoid.

Also, when redrafting, avoid facts, because we all know that we need water to live. Obviously. Ask yourself the question, "Is there more to water than what is the obvious?" Just play around with it and see where you get.




bloodstring says...


Thank you. ...It really helps.




The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
— Amelia Earhart