Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone

Be A Good Samaritan

by bloodstring


Do we really care

whether they have

something to eat;

something to wear?

Do we toss and turn

in our beds at night,

knowing that they

don’t have money to burn?

Do we often wonder

about their affairs-

praying they wouldn’t

create a blunder?

I put forward a challenge

for everyone to take

that bold step

and be a Good Samaritan.

Let us help the poor

and the less-fortunate.

Let us, hand in hand,

get rid of it poverty for sure.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
223 Reviews


Points: 3566
Reviews: 223

Donate
Sun Oct 29, 2017 12:45 pm
ZeldaIsSheik wrote a review...



Hi, this is ZeldaIsShiek here to save the Witches from a crushing defeat at the hands of the Werewolves! Not that that could happen! Haha! Anyway, I'm here to review your work and leave you with some constructive criticism. Without any further adue, let's begin!

I really liked the message behind this poem and I feel that you are a very good poet and writer in general. I love the message behind this poem, and some of the in-story references to it being a poem are pretty sly and really bring the message into the real, tangible world, which is something I definitely appreciate in a good poem.

I really liked the message of this poem that is to be a good person and help those in need, regardless of how much you really care. That is why the poet asks everyone if they really lie in bed at night, kept awake by the true horrors of poverty that everyone seems to mention, but no one really seems to understand or care about those who are poor. That is why the last line is cool to me. If this were someone talking, there would not be a strikethrough through the 'it' in the last sentence. Could this be a poem written by someone in the poem itself to express their care for poor citizens?

That's all for today, and never stop writing!

-ZeldaIsShiek




User avatar
737 Reviews


Points: 7258
Reviews: 737

Donate
Wed Oct 04, 2017 4:36 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there bloodstring and a happy October because your name is appropriate enough for me to mention it.

The title is the main thing that drew me into this piece, in conjunction with the description that set me off a different path than I had originally expected to find. Dealing with sensitive subjects always seems to be something that comes up in narratives of different degrees, where writers think using a calmer medium might make their point stronger. The only issue with this method that you have implemented above, is that the poem itself is not pleasing to read. Someone coming across this might read it for the message and your opinion on the subject, but not for the actual content itself. There just wasn't anything there.

Now usually I would do my whole bit about taking it from the top but let's switch it around, and look at the last line instead.

Let us, hand in hand,
get rid of it poverty for sure.

The main thing that bothered me when I touched down on the final line, was the bold use of strike through. (I didn't mean to make that joke there but let's just keep rolling through.) The speaker is trying to specify to the reader what they want to get rid of and wanting to make the world better by getting rid of 'it'. But the final line might have wanted to use brackets or commas or parenthesis for emphasis instead of a line through the whole thought. It serves as a distraction on supposedly the strongest point that you're going to make throughout the entire piece.
For this I recommend re formatting.

You have some semi-stanzas but I think that needs worked on as well. Putting this through the publishing center probably messed up your formatting but I've included a link to a guide to formatting works on YWS.
How to Format Poetry

Well that's really all I've got to say for now so I'll just hit the road.
~Liz




bloodstring says...


Thank you for the review.



User avatar
362 Reviews


Points: 16144
Reviews: 362

Donate
Tue Oct 03, 2017 10:31 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello bloodstring! Love the name :wink: Blood is always awesome. Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.

Spoiler! :
Do we really care {Definitely a suggestion, but I would italicize "really" to show emphasis and to bring even more of a statement to your poem}

whether they have

something to eat;

something to wear?

{Add a "--" here to separate stanzas}

Do we toss and turn

in our beds at night,

knowing that they

don’t have money to burn?

{--}

Do we often wonder

about their affairs{ }-

praying {that} they wouldn’t

create a blunder?

{--}

I put forward a challenge

for everyone to take

that bold step

and be a Good Samaritan. {Samaritan and challenge don't rhyme}

{--}

Let us help the poor

and the less-fortunate. {Since I can't cross out the dash (obviously), I would say remove it for grammar purposes. Less fortunate is (are?) two separate words}

Let us, hand in hand,

get rid of it poverty for sure. {Welp, since I can't use my usual way of saying how to remove things, then I guess I have to do this :P Don't put the "it" there. First of all, it takes away from the flow, and second, I had to look twice before realizing that it was crossed out. [s]Aha, see what I did there. Realizing that it was crossed out? No? Yes? Okay, I'll leave now}


Overall, fairly good. Some issues with flow and a major issue with separating stanzas, but those could be easily fixed. Great job overall. Your message is clearly brought across and your imagery is stellar. Keep up the good work.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

Image




bloodstring says...


Thank you Kara!!
I give you my soul...LOL



zaminami says...


Thank you!

**noms soul**

yum

tastes like red meat



bloodstring says...


HAHAHA!! You are creepy!



zaminami says...


I know I am :3



bloodstring says...


Oh God your new avatar...it is even more creepy!



zaminami says...


:D I know!




Once you have people's attention, you have a greater responsibility to tell them something of value.
— Tobias Forge (Ghost B.C.)