When I left you, a bomb exploded in my body cavity. Throughout the time we were together, I kept one hand on the bomb at all times, acutely aware that even the smallest of movements could set the thing off. After the impact, I saw layers of skin hanging on the maple tree outside of your Brooklyn apartment. Trails of blood followed me through the route of retracing our relationship. I ask myself when it all went wrong, I ask myself when it was ever right. Was I asleep when you put that bomb there, or, perhaps, was I awake, no sedation, no intoxication, no anesthetic, handing you the scalpel.
When I signed up to be an organ donor, I never could have imagined seeing my organs sitting on 6th Avenue as if waiting for the F train. Kidneys, liver, lungs, heart, pancreas, intestines. Corneas, tissues, hands, face. What had I signed up for? How could one person receive everything? How could one person be so deficient that they needed everything?
When I go out to retrieve my insides and outsides, I do it alone. There is no lost and found, no posters, no hype. I can offer no financial incentive for information or help or safe return. What do you do with fragile tissue that’s been left out for so long? Exposed to the elements, cut off from the interconnected vital systems. With no medical degree, and limited upper body strength, I have two measly offerings of saline solution. Solution might be a bit of an overstatement.
When I collect myself, I go for the corneas first. Sight. I want to know where I am, I want to see the destruction, the debris, the length times width times depth of the hole I fell into. Next I get my backbone, my gut. Kidneys and liver find me shortly after and begin filtering all of the urea, all of the fat, all of the excess, all of the poison. I have hands, I grab for my face, I sew the chambers of the heart back together, I get my lungs. I can breathe.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,124 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hey!
Wow! That was powerful and true to the core. When my boyfriend dumped me it killed me. This story says what happened to me and most likely others out there. I loved it.
Okay, to the review itself. In the third paragraph, you use the word 'hype' a better word would be 'hope'. This girl just got out of a bad relationship and it tore her world apart. She doesn't know if she'll ever be okay again but she picks herself up anyway.
The title is perfect for the story. As said in the first paragraph either she was asleep when he put in the bomb or she was the one handing him the scalpel.
Nikayla here dropping in for a review, as promised!
So a short story! I honestly expected poetry from you, since that's what I'm used to seeing you post, but it's a welcome change. Delving right into the work, I have to say that this could potentially qualify as prose poetry, though you can label it what you'd like. I say this because these are thoughts instead of scenes and there's a focus on imagery instead of plot or characters or dialogue, which is, to be honest, what makes a story. That's why I wanted to say that I think you've inaccurately placed this. I can see this being in the Other section and as a prose poem, but having this be a short story is a little far-fetched.
I'm not saying that I don't wish it to be a short story, because I can see it working in that sense, but if you're going to do that, focus more on the elements of prose. Having a clear beginning, middle, and end is a start. Having a main character that goes through some sort of conflict. Having scenes that go down in the active voice instead of this all being embedded in thought. This also isn't me saying that I dislike the content that you've put forth, because I enjoyed this for the most part. What I have to about the actual work and the biggest critique I have to give though, is that this lacks elements of a short story.
I think it'd be cool if you ended up fleshing this out, adding characters and scenes for them to interact in, because it'd be a lot more interesting than you just telling us about it. At the same time, I can still see this working as prose poetry (poetry in the structure of prose with some elements that relate to it), though honestly it's your choice on where you want to go with this from here. This is more of a narrative, I agree with your labeling there. Overall, I liked this, though I think depending on what you want this to be, you might want to reconsider or experiment around with this.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day, Bec.
Thanks!
Heya... Sharon1407 here for a review... First of all, I would like to say that I generally review poems but this time I think some force drove me to review a short story. So, please consider and forgive any misinterpretations. To begin with, after reading that this story is about a girl who had fallen apart and picked herself up again, I got drawn to it more. Obviously there was this lingering thought that it is again another story which has "depression" written throughout, but when I started reading it I was surprised. I was stunned so to say. The way you have juxtaposed literal falling apart of a human body and the emotional break down of our minds is quite interesting and catches lot of attention. But, I think a bit of a problem arises with the flow. The paragraphs seem separated to me. It might be a technique but I think that could be presented in a better fashion. I would suggest linking these paragraphs so that the flow is more prominent and the readers are able to absorb the idea in more quickly. Apart from this, the detailed and a bit gory description is of the right amount. Lastly the title could be a bit more apt I think. Well, keep writing and I again repeat that please don"t mind any misunderstanding on my part and if possible, you can explain them to me too. Thank you