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Vignette on loneliness together

by beccalicious94


We are in the bed and breakfast. The sky is black and the temperature has dropped enough to warrant a second comforter. The grandfather clock in the corner keeps pace to our silence. I watch the ladybugs, the unexpected guests, as they climb on the bed stand and the lamp. You tell me that ladybugs are only born with a specific numbers of spots.

We get into our perfunctory pre-sleep cuddle. You curl into me, and I hold you with my arm over your chest like a seat belt, protecting you from danger. Your feet intertwine with mine, trying to warm them up from hours of walking around barefoot. My fingers comb through your hair, passing beneath the strands in a backwards motion, and pulling ever so slightly. And though I can feel your heart beating, and you can hear how fast mine has started, the contact that once brought me joy brings me anxiety, restlessness. I can feel your stillness, your decision to stay, though it seems as if it is only temporary. My mind is flooded with thoughts, the incongruity. I peel you off of me and head into the study. 


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6 Reviews


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Fri May 19, 2017 12:50 pm
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Timasaurus007 wrote a review...



I rather like it. It offers many perspectives and interpretations, and the language is appropriate and sophisticated at some parts, though also simple enough for it to seem quite casual, so the style greatly fits with the theme. It is romantic, but not in a traditional format, not optimistic and full of grandeur, but almost unified against an unknown puissant enemy that is the loneliness, from my interpretation. Though it seems very grim towards the end, implying that the narrator isn't happy with the relationship, and is uncomfortable, but sees no alternative then to provide a false comfort. In the end the narrator "peels" them off austerely and goes away, without one to comfort them, which is somewhat selfless to me. I don't know if a review is meant to have an interpretation, but I think that you did a marvellous job, for I think that literature is successful if it provides many interpretations, or a new interpretation to each individual. If you show someone something, they may or may not be inclined to favour it, but if you show them something and they see something they relate to, that they create with their subconscious, then it will impact them so much more; as your work did with me.

In short, great work.




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Wed May 17, 2017 3:32 pm
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papillote wrote a review...



Hi, Beccalicious.
Other another rather depressing piece on the couple. It almost read like a poem. Bitter-sweet atmosphere. Nice imagery. I regretted that you didn't explain the significance of the ladybugs. It was cute but I didn't get it.
Maybe it would be more coherent to cut this into three paragraphs. I would begin the third one with « And though I can feel your heart beating ».
Otherwise, I don't have much to say at all because it was very good.




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Wed May 17, 2017 4:21 am
yellow says...






User avatar
216 Reviews


Points: 99
Reviews: 216

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Wed May 17, 2017 4:21 am
yellow wrote a review...



Hello!

So I actually don't review short stories or works like this very much and I haven't reviewed a plenty ton in a while, so please bear with me!

Now, for what's you have here I did enjoy. I like how you simply set up the scene in the beginning paragraph. You did that pretty well and I could just imagine being in the bed and breakfast. In the next paragraph, I could imagine myself being one of the characters.

As for your ending, I didn't really know what to think of that. It just seems unfinished. I don't know if there' should a second part to this, but that part just seems unfinished and it leave some me off confused.

What I truly liked about this is that it's an oxymoron. I mean, you two are being lonely, but you're doing it together. It's pretty interesting and it just kind of gives you a differentiation perspective of thinking, in which I do like being shown that perspective.

Overall, this isn't bad at all. My only problem with this is the ending, but otherwise, it's lovely. Thank you for sharing!

-Iridescence





Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!
— Gretchen Wieners