Breaking My Own Rules
I'm breaking my own rules
And I'm starting with you
I'm turning into one of those
Relationship people
Well I guess we are
Note to self:
You are a part of this too.
We're breaking our own rules
It started with the salads
we said we wouldn't order
(Salads are a facade for health)
We said we wouldn't be that type
That stereotypical couple type
The one everyone hates
Because they wish they were them
The repulsively cute in public type.
I think about you all the time
And yet
The thought of being a girlfriend
Is physiologically problematic for me
It's not you it's me
But really
If this is both our first times
Why do I feel like I'm the only scared one.
We said we'd be honest
The ball is in your court.
Another rule broken.
In the Lion's Den
You are in the lion's den
Sent by the king
Committed to faith
Where is the King?
The odyssey of theodicy
****
I am in the lion's den
Sent by a king as well
I eat faith at meal time
Who is this King you speak of?
Surviving because I am the king
****
We don't choose life
Life chooses us
Life chose us--not us
You are not eating
I am the starving one
****
What is this Dream, nay, nightmare
When will it end
You can see the Writing on the Wall
You are Daniel
I am the lion
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Like Alfonso, I enjoyed your second poem more than the first. I like the use of Biblical allusion as it gives the poem an added gravitas that it would not have otherwise. Your choice of capitalization in certain areas is also interesting as well (e.g., king vs King, which I assume refers to an Earthly king vs the Heavenly King).
However, the second poem is also quite choppy and uneven whereas the first flows much more smoothly. For example, lines like this in the second caused me to do a double-take:
I eat faith at meal time ...
Life chose us--not us
I still don't understand what you're trying to say in these lines, although that in and of itself is not necessarily an issue (you're always going to have confused readers, who may or may not simply be a trite dumb!). What is more of an issue is that they don't belong -- they seem hacked on to the poem in a very clumsy way.
The first, on the other hand, tends to flow pretty well. My only issue with it is that it's not a particularly new subject, and more importantly, I didn't get any feel for the narrator. With love poetry, you need conflict and you need to expose your true thoughts.
Overall, both poems were actually good in my opinion. With the first, tap into your raw emotion. With the second, try to get more into the mind of Daniel, who is a fascinating person to read about.
Hello there, here to review.
I liked both your poems, but I find that the second one is better.
I will start by reviewing the first.
It is a good poem, but it is also a bit confusing, probably partly because you didn't punctuate everything. You wrote some periods but most of the story had no punctuation, so I think you should add some commas and periods.
I think that the parentheses in the poem aren't necessary in this poem. In fact, they seem more as a distraction than an addition to it. I suggest that you could still keep that verse but take off the parentheses. It could be something like this:
I think that taking off the parentheses would improve the flow of the poem. And again, if you added commas and periods I think the story would be much better.
As for the second poem.
I liked this poem more, like I said before. I think that the reason is that you divided it into stanzas, and it seemed to have a better flow, almost like a melody at first even. And although you didn't rhyme the verses, there are some things that make it feel good to say it.
I love this line. "Odyssey" and "theodicy" really do go very well together.
I didn't really find any mistakes, except this one line that seemed confusing:
This line doesn't really make any sense to me.
Then the ending was really good.
This is a perfect close. It isn't something one would expect, but when you go look back and reread the poem, it makes sense.
That is all I've got to say. Very nice poems, keep writing!
-AlfonsoF, member of the Apple Dumpling Gang