The Need to Breathe

need to breathe.docx

The Need to Breathe

How is it that death can bring people closer together than any other event? When tragedy strikes, people halfway across the world will come together while staring at a screen. As sad and manipulative as it is, death brings unification. Through sadness and despair, we look for hope and a sign of someone who feels as we feel. Friendships that last a lifetime are made through difficult moments; moments that change us and make us into who we are. It is bittersweet, but the greatest moments can come at the cost of another.

Sunday night are nights of friends and laughter; a group of us would always go to Kelly’s house to play boardgames for a few hours. Snacks would be piled in the middle of the table, and eight of us would cram into six chairs. The game of the night was Uno Attack, which is basically just Uno, but instead of drawing a card you hit a button on a little machine that can end up giving you anywhere from 0-10 cards.

Thirty minutes into a game and I was on Uno with only one green five left in my hand. The pile was also green, and it looked like I was about to win, when Kelly drops a wild card changing the color to red. “Crap” I mumbled as I reached over to hit the draw card button. Seven cards spat out at me, ruining my night as Living on a prayer erupted from Kelly’s pocket. He got got up to answer his phone, the game continued around the circle until it reached Kelly’s empty spot. We all turned to look at him impatiently waiting to continue, but the look on his face stopped us. The happy atmosphere shifted into its darker brother, something was incredibly wrong. “Yeah, I understand I’ll be right there” said Kelly.

He pressed the end button then looked up at our questioning eyes. “Kodys in the ER, please try and find a ride home.” he declared No one questioned or argued, but instantly moved to do as they were told. Kody is Kelly's cousin and one of my friends, so I went over to Kelly to ask him if I could go too, but before I could even finish talking his pleading eyes nodded; he did not want to be alone.

We waited for everyone to leave before heading out ourselves. Speed limits shattered as we sped along in Kelly’s truck, determined to make the 40 minute drive 20. Unsure of what to say to each other in a time like this, we sat in silence listening to the radio with some guy singing about his broken heart.

I kept preparing myself for what was about to come. Throughout life I had watched Kody survive everything thrown at him. He was a heart transplant survivor; the only one out of many to walk out of the ward, and all the surgeries alive. He spent years in bed, and many more addicted to the drugs they had given him, but even those he eventually shrugged off. So, in all honesty, I thought everything was going to be fine; in my mind, Kody was indestructible.

As we reached the hospital and hurriedly raced out of the parking lot and into the building, we saw Kelly's mom running out holding a phone to her head. She met our eyes and, in a banshee -like wail that punctured through the building and my heart, screamed in a burst of tears, “He’s gone!” She raced out of the building and into the cold.

It’s not that we didn't believe her, but it didn't show on our face. We kept the composure of the strong males we were supposed to be. Following the directions of nurses, we went deeper into the hospital until we arrived in the waiting room. Opening that door was like a slap in the face, as the realization of this harsh world stared at me through twelve pairs of eyes that tore through my heart. They were so full of loss and pain. As we entered that door, they looked at us for hope, something for them to hold on to, to stop the grieving. As they recognized us the look of disappointment was evident. We were not the saviors they had prayed for. “I shouldn't be here” ,was all I could think as I looked into the face of Kody’s family, all of whom I had known most of my life. I could not help these people. I wasn't family and I did not belong.

The room was plain, white-walled, with four ugly couches pushed up against them. It had two doors on either side with no windows so no one could look in. A table was in the middle of the room with multiple tissue boxes. This was not the waiting room, but the grieving room.

Kelly and I went and stood on the wall; all of the couches were filled with those who belonged here. All around us, tears were falling to the ground as the relentless onslaught of mourning poured through them. The thickness in the little room was unbearable, unbreathable, and getting stronger with every second that passed. Neither Kelly or I was crying. Kelly had been one of my best friends all my life, and I had never seen him cry. As he stood there, strong as ever, not letting anyone see his weakness, I looked in his eyes past that wall he had put up. The hurt was crawling through.

Phone calls were the worst. There were maybe three people on the phone at once, all telling the same story over and over again, reminding everyone in the room what had happened. Kody had been working on his car with his uncle Troy, when he felt dizzy and went inside to get some water. Then when he didn't return, Troy went searching for him, and found him passed out on the floor. Troy had rushed him to the hospital, but there was nothing that could be done. The doctors said his heart had simply given out, it wasn't meant for his body to begin with. The story repeated throughout the room endlessly, and as the part where Kody passed away came up, a new set of moans would erupt.

A doctor came into the room asking if anyone wanted to go see him. The idea was strange to me and more than that, it terrified me. Several of the family members got up to see Kody without hesitation. I didn't belong here, these people wanted to go grieve and be together. I was in the way. I wasn’t even crying or going to see the one I came for. Who was I to come here and intrude on such a time as this? I wanted to leave; I wanted out of that room. I should never have come.

So, I went to the restroom. Whenever I want to be alone or get out of something, I go to the restroom. No one can question your need to relieve yourself, and I was relieving myself, just not from what everyone thought I was. I went to the restroom, locked the door, and just stood there. The pressure was gone, and I could breathe. There was no longer that constant uphill battle of wanting to do something, but knowing there was nothing I could do. Four protective walls surrounded me from a siege. But, relief is always short lived. I had to go back into that room. I knew that, I just didn’t want to believe it. So I stood there wishing it would all end.

Pushing myself to back to that door and standing on the outside with my hand on the knob trying to gather enough courage to turn it. It was time to go back into the fray. So, with the swing of the door and the rush of depression shooting through my lungs numbing my whole body, I silently crept back to my corner on the wall, not meeting anyone's eyes.

Kelly was gone. He had disappeared, and now I was alone and without my best friend. Had no place in this room, not even the excuse to comfort him. Trying to make myself cry to belong, I felt stupid and heartless and with the little water I could get in my eyes, I tapped on Kelly’s sister’s shoulder.

“Wheres Kelly?” I mumbled, embarrassed.

“He’s seeing Kody,” she whispered, as fresh tears slid down the side of her face, bleeding a trail of mascara across her cheek.

Loneliness crept inside me sparking a flame that ignited into a voice screaming at me, “Everyone around you is in terrible pain, do you feel nothing? You can't even cry to show them you cared about Kody. Why did you come here? You are not their family and you don't belong, so stop pretending to. Go outside and wait for you parents, you compassionless inhumane piece of shit.” It raged on and on, with the phone calls going on all around me, and people shamelessly pouring out their soul. The sad part was, I knew it was right.

I stood up I had to leave, in my head everyone who looked at me looked with disgust and hatred even though I knew none of them felt that way. Just then Kelly walked back into the room. He headed straight for me, tears drenched his face. I had never seen him cry, and maybe never will again. He grabbed me in an embrace that silenced the voice in my head. I wrapped my arms around him and held him. My hard heart weakened as its tenacity fell. Real tears started to creep into my eyes, and then they rushed out in an uncontrollable flood. It felt good; the pressure went away as we held each other. We stood there for so long, time slipped away and life seemed to harmonize to a single tune, where I could feel the beat of my friends anguish, and match it with empathy.

“I'm glad you came.” he whispered next to my ear.

I didn't realize until later why I was in that room. It wasn't for me to say goodbye or express sorrow to the family. It was for Kelly, to be strong, to pick him up and to be the one shoulder he has ever let himself cry on. I was so focused on why I had come, I almost missed it: that chance for a moment in time that belongs to just you and those that you shared it with. A single instance that changes your life from who you were to the person you are to become.

I held Kelly until he was ready to let go. The tears were still coming, but they weren't as sad. The phone calls burned in my ears again, but they seemed different and the people telling the story told it with new strength that came with more ease. The room still had its gloom, but the air wasn't as thick and the tears were starting to dry.

The doctor walked back in. “Is there anyone else who would like to see Kody?” he asked.

No one moved, they had all already gone. I got up and headed towards the door. A couple of kodys family smiled as I walked by. I was ready to say goodbye to my friend.