Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Where she sits burns like a fire of darkness, a flame that doesn't have heat but consumes all the same. As I'm about to enter the room, I could feel its hunger, a wall of consumption that gnaws at anything showing life. I can see her form as she sits on the edge of the bed bathed in painful silence. It's a silence I have heard many times and know too well.
Mentally I prepare for the battle ahead, clothing myself in layers of dented, war-torn armor. Raising my almost shattered shield as I enter the room. Getting closer, I can see her her face, its raw beauty that most men crave, is just barely visible in the darkness. However, it's not too dark to see the trickling brook that desperately climbs over the great hills of the cheek bones, just to slide down the other side before taking the free fall jump off the chin. She knows I'm there, but stays soaking in the silence.
"Hey, dear, what's wrong?" I whisper, already knowing why and the answer she will give.
Silence, because it speaks louder than words.
I try again, because if I don't try, then I serve no purpose, "I love you, and I'm here. I will get you anything you need."
"I know you do," she croaks out in a voice beaten down by hours of crying, yet it's still the only thing I want to hear.
I had stopped expecting, I love you back a long time ago. I know she loves me just not right now. Not when she's like this. She says she loves me sometimes, and that has to last until she loves me again.
She then shifts her elegant body to face me. What's left of the mascara is plastered across her face and the pillow beside her. She didn't need it anyway.
From here I can see the dried blood that telephone lines back to the slits on her thighs. It's always the thighs because then no one can see it, question it. No one, but me.
It used to shock me the amount of gore that would be on her when I found her like this. The way she wouldn't care about the pain or how deep the blade cut, rather embracing the pain tighter than any hug I could ever give her. Now though I just do what I always do: clean and bandage the wound without emotion.
No emotion as I wipe the red stains off her perfect legs up past her graceful knees to the source. No emotion as I take a wet towel, because it's the only thing big enough to cover them all up, placing it over the cuts to hold in what's left of her precious life. No emotion as I use my shirt to wipe her tears and clean up the make-up to reveal what I love underneath. Yeah, no emotion, that's what I tell myself.
No emotion? Is that even possible? To say I feel nothing while my insides are shattering, breaking as much as her body does. No, there is emotion! I hate this! How this girl I love hurts so much, while nothing I do or say ever helps! When the armor I put on breaks, what will happen? I can feel it cracking now as fear and doubt pound against my heart as depression, like a disease, spreads from her to I, eating what's left of hope.
Are you even listening God? One of your children that you supposedly love, lives in a world of death hating everything she is. Everything you made her to be, everything that I love. Depression a word you created is eating her alive as I watch. The soul inside screams for help, I can see it even in the silence I can hear it. Why don't you hear it? Where are you? Are you even paying attention you piece of shit? Almighty, living up in the perfect heavens to good to help those in need, but teach it to everyone else so they can do your dirty work.
Wait no. I'm sorry, I just ... please.
They say you care for all your children, love them more anything that's what they tell me in church. Did you forget her? Look, if you did then give her the love you have for me, I don't need it. Send me to hell if that's what it takes for her to feel some kind of life, then do it. Kill me.
Whatever it takes, just look at her, can you see what I see? Just listen to her sweet voice. Please, you’re my last hope.
Amen.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This is really cool! When you're depressed, you tend to forget how it affects the people around you. That's mostly why people get depressed though, they think no one cares. Although, I don't quite understand how she can sit by and let him bandage her and doctor her up is she is happy enough to stay with him. Unless she just feels defeated. Either way, it was really good!
Chilling...very chilling indeed. It's quite an amazing way to open a story like this. It really grabbed my attention.
Even though he says no emotion, you can tell how much his heart hurts in these paragraphs. He then tells us this in the next sentences. It's so ugly and terrible, but beautifully described.
This sentence could use some tweaking:
It would sound better like this:
Depression: a word you created that is eating her alive as I watch.
I love this...It's so pain-painstakingly horribly beautiful. You have true talent, more than I've seen anywhere else, and I'm not saying that lightly...
Happy Review Day...
yubbies21
Hello, I'm here to read another one of your pieces
As I begin reading this, there are already vivid images running through my mind. I enjoy the opening of this story a lot. I'm glad you took caeai's (really hard to spell that name) advice and altered the first sentence because without "the room" it sounds better.
I absolutely love how you personify depression. It becomes this monster, alive and hungry.
Amazing line. You say it all in a simple phrase.
Put a comma after "depression". Minor grammatical error.
You sort of lose some of the impact that your language has once you get to the part where the narrator begins to address god. It becomes a little rant. It's still very strong and emotional though. I love how you end it with a simple "amen." This is such a raw, powerful piece. I really, really loved it. It describes so much of how I feel when I see the people I love hurting. You captured the emotion perfectly. Congrats on a wonderful work!
Hey! I'm here to reveiw!
Very emotional peice! I loved it in every way. The voice is as if it's talking to me like a conversation! It's also depressing to read, (obvious much? XD). Now that I think about it, when I read this, it's like I'm reading the persons thoughts, like a diary really. I love that style!
Now, I'm sorry about this, but I'm going to point out the obvious mistakes in this, (please don't murder me). I found these:
"where she sits burns like a fire of darkness, a flame that doesn't have heat but consumes all the same."
There should be a capital W in where.
"As I'm about to enter the room, I could feel its hunger, a wall of consumption that gnaws at anything showing life."
...Okay, I love that sentence!
"Getting closer, I can see her Her face, its raw beauty that most men crave, is just barely visible in the darkness."
Again, their should be a lower case h in her.
"However, it's not too dark to see the trickling brook that desperately climbs over the great hills of the cheek bones, Just to slide down the other side before taking the free fall jump off the chin."
It's either change the j into a lower case or put a full stop after bones.
""I know you do." she croaks out in a voice beaten down by hours of crying, yet it's still the only thing I want to hear."
There should be a comma after do.
"Send me to hell if that's what it takes for her to feel some kind of life, then Do it. Kill me."
Do should have a lowe case d.
Apart from that, this was incredibly a beautiful read. The raw emotion throughout this peice was so real!
Just fix up the little things and this will be such a beautifully written peice.
WELL DONE! \(^O^)/
Hey thanks for your help, and glad you enjoyed it! I use an iPad, and when ever you go back, and change something it auto corrects the old capitalization until you manual go and tell it to stop.
OOOHHH, that actually makes a lot of sense now. ^^ And you're welcome!
I am going to try a different style of review for you. I'm going to go through and fix as I read the first time, then reread to catch what I missed at first.
I really like your first sentence:
But I think that it would be better if you just dropped the words 'the room' at the beginning. And the comma after heat isn't needed.
So, it would look like this instead:
The next sentence:
I get the gist, but instead of saying "...as I'm about to enter into the room..." I think you should say "...as I'm peering in from the door..." And saying "...consuming anything and everything" over "...a wall of consumption that gnaws at anything showing life."
But I do love the word gnaw. It has a nice ring to it.
I like the components of this sentence, but I think it could flow better.
Maybe "I can see her as she..." and drop the word 'form.' And a comma goes right after 'bed.'
Commas after 'ahead' and 'dented.' Comma where the first period is. {I hope you know to take the capital 'r' and replace it. I might faint if you don't.} Now it's grammatically correct, but there are two ways to say the same thing here. You could keep it the same with the fixed comma mistakes, or you could say:
So, whichever makes you happy there.
If this was mine, I would just combine these sentences.
There is a comma after 'closer,' 'face,' and 'crave,' but the last two are because I combined the two sentences. If I can manage it, I like to get pesky little prepositions off the end where they don't belong, so that's what I did here. You don't have to. < I can't figure out how to get the word 'to' off the end of my sentences.
These sentences have to be combined. The second 'sentence' doesn't have a noun.
So it should be:
I would put 'climbs' in front of 'desperately,' but that's just my preference. My computer is telling me 'freefall' isn't a word, but I don't think there is a space there.
I love your description here.
Comma after 'dear.'
'Words' isn't the beginning of your sentence. I can't tell if you wanted the capitalization to mean something or if you messed up.
'She' right before 'croaks.'
First sentence would probably be better as
The second sentence should have a comma after 'me.'
And, overall, this paragraph is really heart-wrenching.
'Telephone lines' doesn't really make sense there. I think you should consider rewording that. Comma versus period after "...see it," and add "question it" to the end. No comma after 'one.'
Add a 'd' to the end of 'use'. Take out the word 'at' and add the word 'of' after 'amount'. And I think you mean "... embracing the pain tighter than any hug I would give her." Comma after 'now' and after 'though'.
"...of her perfect legs and up past..." That 'and' isn't needed. The third sentence, you added an 's' to 'emotion'.
Comma after 'emotion'.
"When my armor I put on breaks what will happen?"
"When the armor I put on breaks, what will happen?"
"...fear and doubt pound against my heart as depression like a disease spreads from her to I..."
"...fear and doubt pound against my heart as depression, like a disease, spreads from her to me..."
The last part of that sentence, you need a colon between 'left' and 'hope'.
Comma after 'listening'.
I would reword the second sentence in this chunk. It doesn't read very well. Missing some commas all through this chunk. See if you can spot them
In the rest of it, you're just missing commas, but the rest is great. You have some irregularities in your tenses. You vary between present and future. {I think it's future.}
I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for posting it so I could read it.
~Caeai
Haha thanks for taking all the time.
I'm sorry I got lazy at the last three quotes. It was really cold where I was sitting. I wanted to help, though!
You did, thanks for suffering through the cold.
I think I did most of the suggestions.
I enjoyed reading and reviewing your piece. Thanks for letting me look at it!