I'm going to rate this 16+ to be on the safe side.
Spilling out
Like entrails,
Purple-black
Strangulation
Without any rhyme
Or reason
Just words on a blank
White page
Words that create
Worlds that create
Reality. I've heard it said
We're living in the future.
I tend to agree. We have
Everything we ever wanted
And I don't know if we want anything
Else that's really there.
Strong AI and alcohol that
Leaves no hangover
And no death
No tears
Especially no tears in people
Who never did a thing
Destitution
Destruction
Derangement
Denial of a problem helps.
Though apparently it's not
The way to solve it.
Bloody footsteps on a front porch
That was recently painted
To cover the little crayon drawings
The little girl made
When she was still a little girl.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,567 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
I really like your style of writing. This left a bitter taste at the end. I really enjoyed how this poem flowed. Great job!
Hi!
As requested. Before I get into the details of the review, I just want to mention something little about the formatting. You should divide into stanzas. Poems can sometimes get away with being one stanza long, but they are usually a lot shorter then this poem. Here, it just bogs things down and makes it a lot more difficult to read.
As for the actual poem itself, I'm not a fan. Even if poems don't rhyme, they should still at least have some rhythm and flow. Right now, yours just seems really clunky, like a bare story that was condensed and put into poem format. Unlike prose, when you read poetry, there should be a tone to the words, right? Right now yours doesn't have any of that. The line breaks are in weird places, too.
When you revise this, think about the tone. Think about syllables and maybe how a shorter word may work better against a longer one. I recommend you visit the Poetry Database so you can look at how some of these renowned authors structured their stories. Another good place to go is Thesaurus.com so you can look for synonyms to keep things interesting and the flow fresh. PM me if you have any questions!
-Elinor xo
This part's good. Keep going with it. The first and last stanza seem to have nothing to do with it, though, just images for the sake of images, or something there for shock value. Can you articulate why they are there, what their connection is with the middle passage about the future? If so, make that clearer in the poem, and if not replace them with something else.
I like the flow, the way it rolls off the tongue. It sounds like it should be read aloud, sounds like slam poetry. It needs more elaboration, though; more clarity, more imagery. Keep working on it.
Good luck!
Sophie
It kind of leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I get what you are trying to do, but the arrangement is off. Many of the lines are jumbled, and don't make full sense. i would say if you look back at what you'd done and read it out loud you would what know what I am saying. Just change the format some and it will be a good poem.
i love it