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Young Writers Society



Death Sestina

by aszecsei


It's hard to believe that just one sound
Not even loud, not startling, just a whisper
Of falling leaves, of a faucet's leak, you're gone
The grief won't go away, it stays long after the stains
Are gone, washed away in a reflecting pool of water
Cold as your skin, deep and black as my regret

Does it matter, these long hours of my regret,
Remembering that one last fatal sound
The splashing pools of icy, pitch-black water
The final noise, not loud enough, a mere whisper
The hour spent using my tears to remove the stains
Trying to grasp the fact that it's true, you're gone

Then to find that it's not true, you're not gone
It was a waste, those years of regret
I could wash away the caked-on stains
But they were false, a lie like the sound
The final soft sound, the lie of a whisper
Was it all a lie, even the pools of bloody water?

Brings back memories, the sight of bloody water
The knowledge you were gone,
The final fake, dying whisper
The never ending flow of my regret
The pained cry, the worst howling sound
Filled the air, lasting longer than the stains

Must I bear the grief of new stains?
Douse the grief of my soul in more icy water?
Must I hear that awful, horrible, evil sound
Again and again before you're really gone?
Must I taste the acrid feel of my regret
That I wasn't able to prevent that final whisper?

But there's another way, yes, to hear that whisper
And only have one more set of the stains
Perhaps I shall only once, not more, feel regret
And I could very well use less freezing water
I would know for sure you're actually gone
And hear the awful finality of the sound.

Worry not, I shall regret that poor, final whisper
That fatal sound, the messy stains
But they come up with water, and you will surely be gone.


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Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:52 am
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oneeyedunicornhunter wrote a review...



I don't understand the lack of periods. I noticed there was one at the end, but I'm left wondering if there was a particular reason or not.

This isn't long, but it still drags on the topic of ...murder, I suppose. At face value, which is all the value I've gleaned from this, this is just the narrator iterating the same things over and over, until by the end I just wanted him (presumably) to shut up and go about his business. Unlike Lost_in_Dreamland, I doubt there are any themes here that can be expanded. Dark gloominess gets old very quickly when it has nothing to balance it.




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273 Reviews


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Sat Mar 14, 2009 12:35 pm
Lost_in_dreamland wrote a review...



twelve
Right, I'm going to attempt reviewing this, as Monument said this isn't the greatest piece of work every written, but some of the concepts are fine and could perhaps be worked upon to create something more than fine. If I miss out a letter or an apostrophe it is due to a spillage of lemonade upon my dear laptop. Now, shall we begin>?

It's hard to believe that just one sound
Hm... I'm not sure about this as a first line, it is rather demanding and domineering. Why should we listen? Quite contrary to that previous comment, as well as being demanding it is also too weak. This, as a first sentence, lacks substance. I feel robbed of meaning and devoid of any reason to read on. About the comment of this being domineering - how is it hard to believe that just one sound...? Opinions are subjective, and should remain so. Why do I care to be instructed of your opinions? In poetry you need to be very careful not to lecture your audience, you cannot try and force upon them your views, you need to do this subtly, so that they believe they have alway possessed these views.

Not even loud, not startling, just a whisper
Too repetitive, verging on boring actually. Also, I do not see the significance of the middle word. Not even loud and just a whisper tie in together, but startling doesn't fit with the point you're trying to make. Furthermore what's to say that a quiet noise cannot be startling?

Of falling leaves, of a faucet's leak, you're gone
Ah, the main problem I have with this line is the faucet's leak. A faucet is a water valve, yes? You are trying to imply here that this is a silent sound, yes? Yet a faucet's leak could be extremely noisy. Noise is very dependant upon other factors, the surroundings, the force &c. &c. What if the flow of the water was very heavy? What if the water was gushing out of the leak, that would be noisy. Especially in a quiet environment.

The grief won't go away, it stays long after the stains

Are gone, washed away in a reflecting pool of water
You were almost building in my expectation, but then I was robbed of that belief by the reflecting pool of water. I do not think it possible to create more boring imagery than this. Reflecting pool of water? Do not all pools of water reflect? I think you mean reflect as reflecting upon your life etc, yes? Yet this sounds too like you mean it as physically reflecting something.

Cold as your skin, deep and black as my regret
Who is you? Also, I think your imagery is a little lacking. Deep and black as my regret is not particularly original, rather the contrary, it is verging on cliche. You should try and come up with more innotative ways of describing things, do not go for the easy option. Create new ways of viewing things and of thinking.



Does it matter, these long hours of my regret,
You somehow manage to take a subject matter that seems rather meaningful and turn it into something boring. Read this sentence to yourself, does this interest you? If this was someone else's poem would you see any point in reading it, or would you abandon it? I'm thinking the latter. The above reviewer seemed to think that your other work is far better than this, and although I've not read any of it, I'm inclined to agree. Sorry, but for me this just isn't working.

Remembering that one last fatal sound
Again, I find this line exceptionally boring, really quite dull. Most dreadfully dragged on over the same subject. Rather uninteresting and makes me quite indifferent to your writing. I find it quite boring. See, how boring repeating your point over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again is? Exceptionally so. You're dragging out this subject matter and in doing so this poem is losing all of its beauty.

The splashing pools of icy, pitch-black water
Truly, I'm having to force myself to read on just now, I don't mean to offend you, and I can't really talk as I'm not particularly good at poetry myself, but this is far too dragged on. Basically, you could sum this poem up into a few sentences and it would be a lot more beautiful and interesting than it is just now.

The final noise, not loud enough, a mere whisper
Now, I do have a positive point to make! This part is very interesting, you could develop on this part. This part reminds me of T.S Elliot's "That's the way the world ends, not with a bang, but with a whisper." I'll talk more on this point later.

The hour spent using my tears to remove the stains
At first, upon reading this line I thought the protagonist had killed the person, that they regretted doing so and that the stains were physical - blood. Now, however, I'm inclined to think of the stains as something mental, that perhaps the person killed themselves and that the protagonist is feeling guilty that they were not nice enough to the person during their life? Or that the death was due to the protagonist for doing something the dead person didn't like. If you can comprehend that into a normal sentence.xD

Trying to grasp the fact that it's true, you're gone



Then to find that it's not true, you're not gone
Right, so you've spent ages dragging on about something that's turned out to be not true? Perhaps the dragging on was deliberate to show how the protagonist was wearied, how bored and angry and sad they were , how every day was long and terrible for them and then they find out this...

Anyway, I'm not going to review any more of the actual poem, I'm just going to run over it, note: This review is on the first part of the poem, the part that I have reviewed

Stop dragging on!
You have no idea how boring some of these lines were, they lacked creativity, used cliched expression and thoughts, went over the same thing over and over again. If you condensed this poem it'd probably only be about ten lines and would be a lot more beautiful. Making your imagery nicer is not something I can help you with, it's something you'll have to pick up on your own. However, be very careful of dragging on and on, it'll bore a lot of people.

This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a whisper...

I think this is something you could pursue within this poem. You seem to talk a lot of themes very similar to this, and so this would most definitely be a successful theme to pursue. I think this is perhaps the way to go with this poem, unless you just want to scrap it all.


Even if it is schoolwork, you should still put in effort, don't just hand in anything. Listen to Monument and take his advice.

Anyway, I think that's all;
Kirsten




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Fri Mar 13, 2009 3:52 pm
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Monument Soul wrote a review...



:shock:

This is something I would call "broken"

the fact that you created this for school explains the inner poorness of this work.

you should always be able to free your mind and spill over greatness in one form or another

...but this...this a broken statue of the Grim Reaper that's been re-assembled with cookie dough used as an adhesive.

You are a great writer but this is bad.....you wrote this for school but just because you do that doesn't mean you can't just throw scenes of death around with broken narration.

how do you douse your grief when it isn't even described as "burning"....

I love you as much as I love everyone else, as a friend and part of the human family.

I'm your brother and I am trying to help you....

just because something is school work doenst mean you can just scribble it up while the teacher is talking and dump it on her desk at the end of class.

you gotta feel the work and try to produce something for the reader to fall into.

you ARE better than this...I have faith in you bro.





the world (me) cries out for salvation (snacks)
— creaturefeature