Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
hi there,
it is a good piece of writing. it has a good base.
i would like to give some suggestion.
not necessarily each line start with capital letter. don't do that until the previous line is complete.
"To to hear the words she whispers."
i don't get why are there two "to"
"For an innocence that never was
That could be lost."
i don't it this one right.
alignment and punctuation are the drawback in here making it look like the lack of coherence.
i must also tell the positives..
"It is no language I have ever heard
Or shall likely hear again"
the exact portray of the feel.. good..!
"A language of concept, ripped
Directly from the world and put in sound."
i feel that the four lines above are the heart of your poem.
i like it..! but please redo it with proper punctuation and alignment.
good piece of writing..
keep going..! good luck..
This felt somewhat disjointed to me. I think it's the lack of punctuation, along with the way in which the sentences are written and divided.
Conceptually, I think this lacked cohesion, so I would advise trying to find a way to tie this together from beginning to end, and to inject it with more of a story - not that this has to be narrative, just that we have to have some sort of basis of emotion to connect to the poem as a whole.
So, in short, it's all the linky-connecty-flowy stuff.
This isn't a bad start, but I'd definitely recommend cleaning it up and expanding on the idea, because I see potential.
Keep writing.