Asxz! Back again I see. Well, let's get to this.
There's something here that disturbs me. It's the fact that I understand more of your story from reading that little synopsis than I did from actually reading the literature. The Split Personalities I reviewed before was a bit of a mess, and made little sense. As much as you want to continue, instead of posting new chapters, I think you should consider re-writing the whole thibng, or at least editing thoroughly.
Also, once again, you've gone and asked at least five people to review this. Please try to refrain from this. Not only does it bug us reviewers, when we get here, there's nothing left to review! Quality, not quantity, dear.
The coarse ground beneath my fingertips gave it away.
It gives it away? Not really. Maybe Clone Girl knows where she is, but I sure don't. Back in the tunnel?
I inched back down onto my back, relieving me of the pain that came with sitting upright. I winced in pain as I regretfully remembered my last seconds before I collapsed, I would be lucky if I didn’t have a broken back from that hit, In fact, it was a miracle that I was even able to wake up.
The word pain becomes redundant, not just here, but throughout all four chapters of your story. Liven up your vocabulary!
This sentence is kind of run-on ish and worded awkwardly. I don't know. It just is. Try re-wording some?
One this that makes this too wordy is that you give everything a precursor word or an adverb which is just plain annoying.
"Regretfully remembered." That's junk description -- it only clogs up your writing. Of course you'd regret falling! The same thing goes for laughing joyfully or eating hungrily. Those are obvious things you don't need.
I'd also remove words like "In fact," or "Obviously," from before a sentence. They aren't needed and make your character sound like an annoying overall. It sounds as though your MC thinks the reader is stupid.
That’s why I woke up, I thought. The rain was drowning me, so I had to have been out for minimal time.
So buckets of rain just started pouring from the sky? Unlikely. She would of just woken up because, you know, that's what you do. You get knocked out and eventually wake up, no matter what the weather. If she's soaked, wouldn't she have been out for awhile? I'm not quite sure what you mean by the rain drowning her. Also, I still have no idea where she is. This means that there is no visual in my head of a setting, just a white world, a coarse sidewalk, a girl, and rain. Pretty interesting picture, eh?
You waste all of your words telling me what she is doing. Use some for a better purpose and show! Too much telling is bad.
It seemed that I was still in the alleyway
Whenever was she in an alleyway? That whole chase scene? If so, it was very poorly portrayed.
It seemed that I was still in the alleyway, and I couldn’t bear to take the risk of moving, causing my back to protest with its sharp spasms; I was in too much pain already. Even to me this seemed like a stupid thing to do.
Oh my gosh. We get it. She's in pain. If you keep mentioning how hurt your character is, I don't pity them, I laugh.
Instead of scientifically analyzing her pain. get into the emotional aspects of it. Show me how your character feels in the writing style. For example, in the novel Crime and Punishment, when Raskolnikov lies fevered and mad in bed, the whole novel becomes hazy and choppy, so very like Raskolnikov's state in mind. Not once does the answer say, Raskolnikov was in pain. In fact, he believed it must of been his tracheal fracture from which was causing him much pain, obviously. Pain. ^_^
passed the fraying of my track pants
Past. Not passed.
It’s like the beating never happened.
It was like. Not it's. Past tense.
My body had healed at an incredible ate, is that possible?
An incredible rate, not ate. Is that possible should be was that possible. Also, take out the last clause. It sounds so weird.
Breath
Breathe.
Okay, so then she goes to a cafe. But there's no one there. She never interacts with anyone, or sees anyone. Where is she? A city? I have no idea. You need other characters, and badly. Otherwise it will be too boring reading about only one character. I'm sorry, but this is boring. All you do is gives descriptions of what the MC is currently doing. There's no plot, and I almost have to force myself to read this.
I don't mean to sound rude, but you really, really, need to go back and rewrite.
Best,
Antigone
Points: 3225
Reviews: 365
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