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S.P. 0.3



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Sat Feb 28, 2009 11:00 pm
asxz says...



Hi, third part of my prologue!

Once I reached the top, I raced back through the corridors that I knew as well as the back of my hand. It was strange; I could almost have sworn that I would be able to pick out the slightest change in the minutes that I was underground. I had no recollection of ever being here before today, but I could nearly navigate the turns backwards, with my eyes shut without a second thought. I never tried this of course, but I knew I could do it. My memory was that clear, even though I hadn’t been able to concentrate at the time, it was like I had a video tape playing in my head, recording all the time.

What have they done to me?

I came to a cross road, but passes it without a second thought, it meant only one thing to me; I was nearly free. In fact, I was far from free, I had absolutely no idea where I was, or how many men were outside, but I was almost out of the building, which meant that I was one step closer to meeting up with my other selves and uncover our past, if we had one that was. I rounded the final corner, and let out a huge mental sigh of relief when I saw the fire escape.

Bounding through the door like a bull dog hearing dinner. I almost stopped when I felt the cool air on my skin. It was like heaven, the layers of sweat immediately pointless with the rush of winter breeze bombarding me. I drew in a deep breath, intending to feel the rejuvenation of fresh air heal my body. Instead, I gasped as the icy wind burned my throat, its cold touch poison to my epiglottis. This slowed me down, taking precious meters out of my potential distance.

This knowledge made me push my body, urging my legs to suck up all of the power they had, but no acceleration was possible. I had reached my maximum speed, a feat that I had not thought possible since my last moments in the tunnels.

Where to go? Despite what I had thought; that I would be able to guide myself out of the compound with relative ease, I was stuck. No flashes of inspiration came to me, no powerful sense to take a left turn.

I was on my own.

I glanced around, still running perpendicular from the door. To either side, towering buildings elevated from the ground. I passed multiple blocks; each had one door with a big, bold letter above. Rising up the buildings were more letters, like a cataloguing system for… for what? Were we just experiments in the game that these filthy men were playing? Being thrown around, placed in wards like books in the Dewey decimal system? It didn’t seem fair. I was a person; surely the rights of animals better than they were treating us?

As I ran through the bitter air, feeling the sting of the harsh winds that tossed me around, I finally decided to take a look back. No men were following me, even though I was at least a hundred meters from the door. They had given up.

Why, surely they were urgent in the tunnel.

I saw no sign of the chases that had been before me, but I had a harassing thought that something was wrong. There could be a hoard of police around the corner; it wasn’t safe being in the same town as these people. The others and I have to get out of here fast.

Leaving the city would mean escaping the compound.

I sighed in relief as the exit gate came into view. It was an arm, like the ones that come down in front of rail-way tracks. Disregarding the knowledge, as I knew that it would only be a distraction, I enjoyed the feeling as wind passed through my hair. The watery mist that hung in the air was refreshing to my scalp, as I was boiling hot from all of the running I had done. I was only meters away from the mechanical arm when a thought struck me.
What if someone’s in the booth?
Surely I would be caught, cars sent and I captured within seconds. Perhaps that was why I wasn’t being chased; the men in black could leave it for the next man down the line.
How deep does this go? A place this big wouldn’t be able to hide for very long.
I was nearly at the gate now, and getting captured on the run was far better than no attempt at all. I was now going at an incredible pace; I ran up to the mechanical arm and pushed off with my feet, sneaking a quick glance into the booth. The booth was empty. I cleared the barrier by at least two meters vertically, but more than six distance-wise. The feeling of weightlessness was incredible. All the while, as the ground rushed up to greet me, one thought was running through my head.

What am I?

I had no doubt that I wasn’t human, the speed and accuracy had confirmed that a while back, but if I wasn’t a person, what was I?

The flesh on my hands felt real enough, no rubbery skin, or robot body. I had to be human, the emotions were real. Human intelligence couldn’t yet make something as convincing as me. They couldn’t clone, replicate, or artificially conceive. My incredible knowledge told me that. I couldn’t contradict something that felt so sure, so true that it had to be reality.

Then who were the others? We were all the exact same, I had seen it with my eyes, but they couldn’t be clones, it was impossible. Surely they couldn’t know more than me either. We had to meet up. We had to figure this out.

My feet landed perfectly on the ground, without faltering they resumed the high sprint.

I vaguely wondered why I wasn’t breaking into a sweat with all of this intense running; it would be impossible for even a world class athlete to do this without tiring, but I shrugged it off, thanking then for whatever they had done to me.

The sky was getting dark, and that would mean that there were less people around, more chance of them finding me. I set off down the street, still running without tiring, to find a place to hide for the night.


Thank you for the reviews!
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Sun Mar 01, 2009 12:31 pm
Pippiedooda says...



Hi :D I really like this part- its a bit less panicky but you've still kept it interesting. Its left me wanting to read more! :)

I could almost have sworn that I would be able to pick out the slightest change in the minutes that I was underground.


I'd add in 'in surroundings' after slightest change- just to make it clear what you're talking about and maybe change 'in the minutes' to 'after the minutes'.

I had no recollection of ever being here before today,


You switch tenses here I think (I'm not great at that sort of thing though so I might be wrong :? ). Here should be there and today should be something like 'that day,'

I came to a cross road, but passes it without a second thought, it meant only one thing to me; I was nearly free.


passes needs to be passed :) I'd put a full stop after thought and explain a bit after this why this means she's nearly free.

In fact, I was far from free, I had absolutely no idea where I was, or how many men were outside, but I was almost out of the building, which meant that I was one step closer to meeting up with my other selves and uncover our past, if we had one that was.


This is quite a long sentence, I'd break it up. Uncover should be uncovering and I'd change 'how many men were outside' to 'how many men were looking for me'. So something like this- 'In fact, I was far from free- I had absolutely no idea where I was, or how many men were looking for me. Even so, I was almost out of the building, which meant that I was one stop closer to meeting up with my other selves and uncovering our past... if we had one.'

Bounding through the door like a bull dog hearing dinner. I almost stopped when I felt the cool air on my skin.


The full stop after dinner needs to be a comma, instead of 'on my skin' 'hit my skin' might work better. Love the simile! :D

This knowledge made me push my body


What knowledge? That she's slowing down or that the air hurt her lungs? I think you need to specify what you're referring to.

To either side, towering buildings elevated from the ground.


When you say elevated I got the impression of floating, I know it can be used to describe height but that's just the impression I got :) - if this is the case I would describe it a bit more and you need a were before elevated, but if you just mean tall buildings I would change the description, perhaps instead say something about them crowding her vision.

I was a person; surely the rights of animals better than they were treating us?


you need to add a were before better and a how before 'they were treating us'.

As I ran through the bitter air, feeling the sting of the harsh winds that tossed me around, I finally decided to take a look back.


I'd change 'tossed me around' as I don't think she's really getting moved much by the wind, perhaps tugged at her clothes?

Why, surely they were urgent in the tunnel.


I think this might sound better written like this- 'Why? Surely they were urgent in the tunnel...'

I saw no sign of the chases that had been before me, but I had a harassing thought that something was wrong.


I think nagging might sound better than harassing- just my preference :)

The others and I have to get out of here fast.


If you're referring to the past have should be had and here should be there.

Disregarding the knowledge, as I knew that it would only be a distraction,


I wouldn't really say knowledge- maybe something about the leap of hope she felt?

How deep does this go? A place this big wouldn’t be able to hide for very long.


I'm not sure if this makes sense, what do you mean by a place hiding?

I ran up to the mechanical arm and pushed off with my feet, sneaking a quick glance into the booth.


I think you should say about pushing off from the ground with her feet.

I had no doubt that I wasn’t human, the speed and accuracy had confirmed that a while back


I'd change 'the speed and accuracy' to 'my speed and accuracy'.

Overall comments: Like before, a lot of my comments are just my thoughts and I get confused easily as well so if things to you make sense it might just be me :P I really enjoyed this part! I hope to read more soon :D I think you have got talent as a writer, the idea for this story is very good as well, so far I cannot guess as to what will happen next.

A few times I think you do not make it clear what you are referring to- a little bit more explanation would help I think. There's a lot of action which is good but I think you also need to balance it with thoughts and feelings- something I think you have achieved quite well so far but there could maybe be a little more of. As the surroundings change it can get a bit confusing so I would take care to describe what is happening around the main character too. There's not a lot of interaction with other characters so far and I think that would be a good way of revealing more on her personality in future. In the next part I'd hope to see a bit of a calm down, maybe the beginning to some answers- but that may just be because I'm impatient! :wink:

Hope I've helped! :D
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Wed Mar 04, 2009 6:14 pm
asxz says...



Thank you! That did help a lot! (P.S: I'm not a good as writer as you, Pippiedooda)
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Sat Mar 07, 2009 3:44 am
Antigone Cadmus says...



So this is the end of your prologue... I think I'll do a review of the prologue overall.

Location, Location

Maybe this is because I read each section of SP a week apart ( :oops: ) but, I have absolutely no idea where your MC is.

We begin in...

--A random room with lots of beds. Miss MC waltzes out of the convenient door and we are suddenly in a...
--Tunnel? Corridor? Some place with concrete walls and leaky pipes. ^_^ So MC uses her super strength to jump to the ceiling, but then we are in...
--An entirely different corridor! Now how did that happen? And then...
--Outside! Running!

It's a bit confusing. XD

Description

Much improved here. This prologue is much more interesting than your first, and I like that you immediately introduce that your character is not quite human.

Mysterious Voice

It's gone! Please don't bring it back. If you do bring back The Mysterious Voice, make it very obvious when the voice is speaking, and not your MC.

Read Over Your Work

You have a lot of little comma and tense errors. Make sure you read over your work,

The Clones/Look-Alikes

Where did they go? Did your MC just forget about them?

Hope this helped,
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
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Sun Mar 08, 2009 11:22 am
Demeter says...



Hi, asxz! Sorry for the wait.

Once I reached the top, I raced back through the corridors that I knew as well as the back of my hand. It was strange; I could almost have sworn that I would be able to pick out the slightest change in the minutes that I was underground. I had no recollection of ever being here before today, but I could nearly navigate the turns backwards, with my eyes shut without a second thought. I never tried this of course, but I knew I could do it. My memory was that clear, even though I hadn’t been able to concentrate at the time, it was like I had a video tape playing in my head, recording all the time.


This opening paragraph is a bit too rambly. I suggest you keep only the info important to the readers and ditch the rest. Or at least try rewording the sentences so that you can keep the attention away from the rambliness. :)


I came to a cross road, but passes it without a second thought, it meant only one thing to me; I was nearly free.


I think you meant 'passed', and I think you should get rid of that 'without a second thought', because you used that in the last paragraph. Or maybe it would be better to ditch the first one. Whichever fits the best.


I rounded the final corner, and let out a huge mental sigh of relief when I saw the fire escape.


Mental sigh? Hmm. It sounds a little odd. Does it mean that she actually sighed, or that she only thought of sighing?


Bounding through the door like a bull dog hearing dinner.


You need a verb here; it won't be a sentence without it. ;) E.g. 'It was bounding...' Can dinner be heard, by the way? Be careful with the similes.


I was a person; surely the rights of animals better than they were treating us?


In this case, I think human would be better term to use. Also, you're missing a 'were' after the 'animals'. :)


Why, surely they were urgent in the tunnel.


No need for the italicization here, because the MC is the narrator, and the whole thing is from her point of view. However, if you want to italicize, you should change the tense to present in the parts that are in italics: "Why, surely they are urgent in the tunnel." It's the MC's thought, and no one thinks in past tense, right?



I had to be human, the emotions were real.


This seems a little funny, since thus far we haven't really witnessed any emotion from the MC...


My incredible knowledge told me that.


What incredible knowledge? She doesn't even know what she is. ;) Also, that sounds like a very, very conceited thing to say, which is okay, if your character is conceited. But maybe not show it to us at this point?


We were all the exact same


We were all exactly the same.


***


Okay. I have the same feeling about the location than Haruno Sakura. It's a little disturbing not to know where she's about. Also, I found it slightly hard to follow her runaway and the places she went to.

It's all a little confusing, though it's probably meant to be so. :) I haven't really gotten a grasp about the MC and what kind of creature she is – I don't mean only whether she's a human, but what kind she is inside and how she thinks about things. You say that she's fast runner and has 'incredible knowledge', but that's pretty much it. You could also bring more to those two things.

I recommend you to read this again, maybe even out loud. You're still suffering from some awkwardnesses, so I think that re-reading would help to locate those parts. Good luck with your writing and editing!

See you around!

Demeter
xxx
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