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Sat Feb 28, 2009 3:05 am
asxz says...



Hi, second part of my prologue, there will be three parts I think...

* * *
After leaving the block last, only two had followed me, but they were faster than I had expected. My muscles were still warming up after the time spent in bed. Although, I was quite fast for someone who seemed to do no exercise.
They were faster; much faster.
I started running down the narrow corridor, but it was soon evident that I wouldn’t be able to escape the nightmare. Why were they doing this to me- To all of us, what had we done? I
grimaced as my knuckles momentarily brushed against the slippery wall, grazing them on the coarse concrete that lay beneath the slimy layers of fungi. The crimson blood splattered everywhere; over my clothes, on the floor and walls, because of my determination to keep on running, and the rapid movements my hands were forced into. The blood could be vital, I thought to myself. If I had more time, I surely would have gone back and erased it all. I would have been so thorough that they wouldn’t even know I was there, or that their walls had been tainted by my blood. I would have done all of that - been forced into drastic precautions, instantaneously knowing what they could do with a single drop of my blood. All they needed was a single strand of DNA. It was what they had already done, right?
How many of the men would there be? Reflecting on the chase scene so far, I knew there to be at least two. They couldn’t let me go; not now, when I already knew so much.
But what did I really know? That they had somehow ‘created’ entire rooms of the same person? Were they molding us; shaping us into the perfect weapon, or were they experimenting, cloning human beings for the sake of science?
Did the government know?
I swore under my breath, my attempt at freedom is hopeless! I listened carefully, trying to ignore my breathing and footsteps so I could hear my pursuers.
They knew I was trapped. It had been obvious that I couldn’t escape from early on in the chase. I knew that they would be able to catch me faster than I could say ‘freedom’.
I tried to keep running, push my body to work to the extreme. Anger rushed through me, and I felt a lump form in my throat. Who gave them the right to do this? I tried to keep my breathing low, depriving my body of the oxygen it needed, to stay hidden from the men that were pursuing me. The voices were growing louder, reverberating through the basement corridors. I listened carefully, but I was unable to tell which direction they were coming from. Were there more? Had some found their way into the tunnel to trap me even sooner?
I must have been the only one stupid enough to stay in the compound longer than necessary.
I stopped, risking the chance of them catching up to me, but maybe saving myself from running straight into them. Frozen against the damp wall, I dared not move in the fear of colliding with them.
As I waited for some indication, my heart sped up, despite my attempts to keep it slow. I fought the urge to sit down and cry, give up my hopeless attempt at an escape. What could I really do, anyway? It’s not like I could expose them, they wouldn’t allow it.
As I sat there, wallowing in my own self pity, I kept an eye out for a weapon. What was the worst that could happen; they had probably already decided I was to die.
Weapon: That meant that I would have to truly look around, taking in the environment in all of its aspects.
There was water dripping everywhere, so much water that it was a risk just to move. They could hear you; follow your splashes and watch the water settle as they decide how to do it, how to ‘take care’ of you.
Sadly, I wasn’t like them, I couldn’t pick out a pin drop at a boisterous party. I would have to rely on sight, and pure childhood ingenuity.
That dreaded lump clogged my wind pipe, and despite my best attempts, I started gasping for breath like a kid doing class speeches.
A small part in that back of my mind was yelling, screaming at me to pull myself together. It couldn’t be long now, they would come and here I would be, a bawling mess, waiting for them to take me back, if they would do even that.
Right, weapons: It was hard to keep my mind focused when everything I saw reminded me of what I was.
Weapons… no, there was only water; nothing else.
The water that fed the moss on the wall, the growing fungi that padded my back.
The water that dripped from the pipes, faulty leaking in such a perfect and well designed place.
The water that hung in the air - a hazy fog that reflected the light into amazing patterns, and preventing it from reaching some places all together.
Luckily, my mental breakdown had happened in such a place. I was cloaked from peering eyes, due to the faint lights were spaced perhaps as far as fifteen meters apart.
I heard a splash, followed soon by more.
They were coming.
It was now or never. The pure will and sheer determination to live overpowered my fright, and I froze rigid against the wall. They would have already heard me. It was, no doubt, too late, but worth a try none the less. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the noise, survival instincts overpowering the intense hammering of my heart, and the growing sense to run in whatever direction took my fancy. Only now was I aware of the sweat that slid down my face, pooling on my upper lip and drenching my eyebrows.
When I couldn’t decipher what direction they were coming from with hearing, I kept on glancing to the left and right, the terror enough to do my head in. After what seemed like a minute, I saw two figures advancing towards me from my right. Without thinking, I sprinted off to the left, not even bothering to look behind me to see if the were following fast or slow. I automatically counted the lights as I went by, and soon the incessant numbers in my mind were impossible to tune out.
1…2…3… Each second I ran, I was driven on by the thought of putting more distance between me and my pursuers. Each pool of light I passed, I took a quick glance back to see what they were doing. The tall one on the right was sprinting quick enough to break a record, and the small plump one behind was going incredibly fast for his size and weight.
They were gaining.
Three meters, two meters, One and a half... Another few seconds and we would meet. I vaguely contemplated my options. I could double back, which would be impossible with the two guards blocking the passage. Give myself in, which was equally impossible, knowing what I would have to go back to. That left only one option; I knew it would happen all along, a plan had been spreading like wildfire since my rest in the shadowy corner.
One quick glance up at the ceiling, and I knew that right now was my first and only chance. With the cover of darkness, that thankfully vast gap between lights, I reached up and grabbed madly at the ceiling above. The tall height was no match for my new muscles, enhanced it would seem from days, maybe even months lying in bed.
I soon cleared the height of the tall man and felt the cellar wind rush past. Before I could consciously react, my legs were pulled up to my chest, and I was rushing up to meet the ceiling like there was no gravity in the world.
It wasn’t long before I felt the cool touch of rusted and leaking pipes. As soon as I registered this, I was clinging to the water duct like there was no tomorrow, which there wasn’t unless I could hold on. My legs swung lightly, and I hung like a monkey on the bars. They were quick, and turned around fast. Despite how fast they were going I was surprised to hear no squeak of running shoes inflicting friction.
I didn’t see them turn around, or their lightning fast reflexes go to work, because I was already sprinting down the dark hallway. In a short time, I had covered what I deemed to be over fifteen meters. If I could keep this up, I might just be able to make it out alive.
I didn’t dare look behind; to waste the precious energy that I was channeling into speed.
They were catching up.
The lights flickered past in a blur. I was covering 10 meters in a second now; if I wasn’t so damn scared I would have laughed. It was impossible to move that fast. The Olympic record was 100 meters in just over 9 seconds; I was clearly going faster. I quickly shrugged off the information, almost hating myself for knowing it in the first place. No memories, no life; only facts.
Whatever they put in the drips back at the ward was doing its job. As my muscles warmed up I found my speed increasing, so much so that I nearly overshot the exit.
Just poking out of the wall was a round handle, and I started to slow down instantly so I wouldn’t miss it. My new muscles had a better idea, and stopped almost right-away. I had to take a few hurried steps to get to where the door. It was, to my surprise, not locked.
I suppose they wouldn’t bother to lock it, they were so sure I wouldn’t escape. I risked a quick glance down the passage to check how much time I had, before I ducked out of the dingy corridor.
I couldn’t see them. That meant that they were at least twenty meters away, which gave me more than two seconds to climb the stairs and get out of sight.
***


Okay, I have some really cliched parts in there, but review away, and please tell me what you think!
Last edited by asxz on Tue Mar 03, 2009 6:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Sat Feb 28, 2009 10:56 pm
asxz says...



Hi, part 3 is now up...
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Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:31 am
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Pippiedooda says...



Me again :) You've managed to keep the thrill factor throughout this piece too- which is hard to do so well done!

My muscles were only warming up after the time spent in bed, but I was quite fast for someone who seemed to do no exercise.


As you have just used a sentence with 'but' in it I would change the arrangement of this sentence a little. Maybe you could have a full stop instead of a comma and have 'still, I was quite...'

I started running down the narrow corridor, but it was soon evident that I wouldn’t be able to escape the nightmare. Why were they doing this to us, what had we done?


The change from saying I to we threw me a little- I had to think a moment until I made the connection with the others being chased. As they are not with her, I'd change the thought to something like 'Why were they doing this to me- to all of us? What had we done?'

The crimson blood splattered everywhere, over my clothes, on the floor and walls, because of my determination to keep on running, and the rapid movements my hands were forced into.


I'd change the comma after everywhere to a dash or a semi-colon.

or that their walls had been tainted my by blood.


by and my need to swap places :)

I would have done all of that, been forced into drastic precautions, instantaneously knowing what they could do with a single drop of my blood; a single strand of DNA, no doubt.


This sentence is a little confusing, I'd break it up a bit. Maybe change the first comma to a dash and end the sentence after my blood. You could then have a new sentence saying something about 'all they needed was a single strand of DNA'.

How many of the men would there be? They had already shown themselves to be resourceful at the worst of times.


When had they shown themselves to be resourceful? And you said at the beginning that there were only two chasing him, later on you discuss that more could have joined but I don't think you need to question it here.

They knew I was trapped. It was obvious that I couldn’t escape, even from early on;


The second part of this sentence sound wrong somehow but I'm not entirely sure how :? It could just be me, but I'd change 'even from early on' to 'it had been from early on'.

I stopped, risking the chance of them catching up to me, but maybe saving myself from running straight into them. Frozen against the damp wall, I dared not move in the fear of running straight into the arms of those who sought to catch me.


You repeat 'running straight into' so I'd change one of them to something like 'colliding with'.

I fought the urge to sit down and cry, give in my hopeless attempt at escape.


I'd change 'give in' to 'give up'.

What was the worst that could happen; they had probably already decided I was to die?


I wouldn't end this with a question mark, the first part is a question but the second part isn't so I'd just use a full stop.

Weapons… no, there was only water. That was all there was.


'That was all there was' I think could be changed to something better, maybe 'Nothing else.'

The water that hung in the air, a hazy fog that reflected the light into amazing patterns, and prevented it reaching some places altogether.


This sentence is a bit awkward, first I'd change the comma to a dash and perhaps change the last part of the sentence to 'preventing it from reaching some places all together'.

Luckily, my mental breakdown had happened in such a place, I was cloaked from peering eyes, all because the faint lights were spaced perhaps as far as fifteen meters apart.


I think this would work better as two sentences- perhaps swapping the comma after place to a full stop. I'd swap 'all because' for 'due to' as well.

The pure will and sheer determination to live overpowered my fright, and I froze rigid against the wall.


I'd use another word than froze here as it is what you use to first describe when she stops against the wall.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on the noise, survival instinct overpowering the intense


Instinct needs to be instincts :)

Only now was I aware of the sweat that slid down my face, pooling on my upper lip and drenching my eyebrows.


Really good use of imagery!

1,2,3, Each second I ran,


I'd put the counting in italics.

The tall one on the right was sprinting fast enough to break a record, and the small plump one behind was going incredibly fast for his size and weight.


I'd change one of the 'fast' here to quick so you're not repeating the same word.

3 meters, 2 meters, 1.5. Another two seconds and we would meet. I vaguely contemplated my options.


I'd put the counting down of metres in italics. I'm not sure about 'vaguely contemplated' as it kind of gives off the sense of not caring- something about her mind racing to find an answer would be more effective.

I knew it would happen all along, and that’s why I had been thinking about it since my rest in the shadowy corridor.


As you haven't shown the character thinking about it this parts a bit confusing. I'd change the second part of this to just something like 'ever since I had taken my rest in the shadowy corridor.'

I soon cleared the height of the tall man and felt the cellar wind rush past, before I could consciously react, my legs were pulled up to my chest, and I was rushing up to meet the ceiling like there was no gravity in the world.


I'd change the comma after rush past to a full stop so these are two sentences.

My legs swing lightly, and I was hanging like a monkey on the bars. They were quick, and turned around fast.


swing should be swung and I would change 'and I was hanging' to 'as I hung'.

If I could keep this up, I would just be able to make it out alive. What happened after was still a mystery.


I'd leave out the last sentence, I don't think you need it.

I didn’t dare look behind; waste that precious energy that I was channeling into speed on confirming what I already knew.


I'd add a 'to' before waste and change 'that precious energy' to 'the precious energy'.

I quickly shrugged off the information, any lack of concentration, and I might slow down. Whatever they put in the drips back at the ward was doing its job.


I'd change the comma after information to a dash or semi-colon to seperate the next part a little.

Just poking out of the wall was a round handle, and I started to slow down so I wouldn’t miss it, but stopped almost instantly. I had to take a few hurried steps to get to where the door.


I found this all a bit confusing- I'd work on rephrasing it.

The meant hat they were at least twenty meters away


hat needs to be that :)

Overall comments: Really good job, I like how you have described the setting and the panic that she feels. You really manage to show what is going on clearly so I actually feel like I'm there, very well written! I can't really think of anything overall that needs to be changed- maybe you could add some shouting from the guards at her to stop but that's about it, I'm really enjoying your story so far :D

Sorry the nitpicks are so long! Like I said before you don't have to pay any attention if you think differently :) Hope I've helped!
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Sun Mar 01, 2009 6:57 pm
Demeter says...



Hey, here I am again!


I swore under my breath, my attempt at freedom was hopeless!


I understand the despair of being chased, but if she felt it was hopeless, why would she run away in the first place? ;) I apologize for having the need to be a smart-a :)


I listened carefully, trying to ignore my breathing and footsteps so I could hear them.


I think that by 'them' you mean the chasers, but it's not being clear enough. Reword a little.


I knew that they would be able to catch me faster than I could say ‘freedom’; [s]which of course, I couldn’t because I was running so damn fast.[/s]


Ditch the striked-through bit, because it's completely unneeded. I don't know whether you were trying to be funny, but it didn't really work, so...


Had some found [s]there[/s] their way into the tunnel to trap me even sooner?



I must have been the only one stupid enough to stay here longer than necessary.


I don't quite understand; stay where?


I automatically counted the lights as I went by, and soon the incessant numbers in my mind was impossible to tune out.


I think you mean 'were', not 'was'. :)


3 meters, 2 meters, 1.5.


Now, could she really be that accurate when she's running for her life?


and I knew that it was now or never.


You recently used that expression; try to think of new one to avoid the repetition.


Despite how fast they were going I was surprised to hear no squeak of running shoes inflicting friction.


So she really is thinking about squeaking shoes in a case of life and death?


In two seconds, I had covered almost 15 meters.

I was covering 10 meters in a second now


Again, I must question the likeliness of this. Unless she is constantly counting seconds and meters at the same time, I don't think this is possible.


[s]The meant hat[/s] It meant that they were at least twenty meters away




The MC:

She was less believable in this part, unfortunately. Her super-fast running made me fear she's going to be similar to Amy in the Replica series, who is a clone and has super powers, including the ability of running very, very fast. I hope you'll get more reality and depth to her in the following parts. :)


Overall:

The action was well-covered in this part; you sure are good at that! It's interesting to see where all this leads to, just keep the characters in mind when writing. Try to focus equally on the plot and the people. Keep writing, and see you in the next chapter! :)


Demeter
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Sun Mar 01, 2009 7:08 pm
Linx says...



Hiya asxz! You request, I come. Also, I didn't review the first part because I thought everything had been pointed out and I felt no need in reviewing it. :D

First off, I'm going to second what Pippiedooda said about putting some things into italics.

1,2,3, Each second I ran,

3 meters, 2 meters, 1.5. Another two seconds and we would meet. I vaguely contemplated my options.

Yes, put those in italics. It will help clealr it up because I was confused the first time I read it.
Also, if the MC is saying that to herself, would he/she really say one point five, or one and a half.
Eh? Just something I wanted to point out.

Weapons… no, there was only water. That was all there was.
The water that fed the moss on the wall, the growing fungi that padded my back.
The water that dripped from the pipes, faulty leaking in such a perfect and well designed place.
The water that hung in the air, a hazy fog that reflected the light into amazing patterns, and prevented it reaching some places altogether.

Well, I kind of see why you did the repetition, but I don't like it as much. The water, the water, the water....you kept on saying to over and over again. Trying using something different instead.

Pippiedooda pointed out a lot of things already, so I don't have that much to say anymore. :wink:

Your Character - Even after the first and second part, we still don't know much about your MC. Like, what is it's gender? By reading this, we know that she/he was capture by some guys in a hospital. He/she is also a good leader, because she/he told everyone what to do in the first part.
But I also think that she/he is a really smart person now. She/he was thinking of lots of things while she was running, but then tried pushing it out of her mind.
What I'm saying is to try to develop your character some more. I know it's a prologue, but developing the character more would help, I think.

I love the description. I could feel just how scared your MC was. Good job.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

*Cat
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Mon Mar 02, 2009 8:26 am
asxz says...



Thank you for the reviews guys! It helped heaps!
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Tue Mar 03, 2009 1:19 pm
Antigone Cadmus says...



Review number two, here as requested.

After leaving the block last, only two had followed me, but they were faster than I had expected.


Whoa... this is happening much too fast. Are you saying the door leading out of the MC's ward led right onto the street?
That doesn't make any sense...

They were faster; much faster.
I started running down the narrow corridor, but it was soon evident that I wouldn’t be able to escape the nightmare.


Who is they? Who is she running from? What happened to the clones?


:shock: Was the clone part a flashback, and the chase scene back in the present? You need to make that more clear. Have her "suddenly jarred back" from a day dream/flashback all of a sudden.

The crimson blood splattered everywhere; over my clothes, on the floor and walls,


She simply grazed her knuckles and blood is splattering everywhere? How is that possible? :wink:

Sorry, Asxz! Time for school now -- I'll post this review in two parts.
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Tue Mar 03, 2009 6:08 pm
asxz says...



The blood goes everywhere because she is running, blood pumping and all that. aslo, if you read that parts one after the other they have *** inbetween them... I wasn't sure how to put that in if I was posting in 2 parts. Thanks for half a review Sakura!
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Tue Mar 03, 2009 8:50 pm
Antigone Cadmus says...



Review Part Two

Hmmm... back to the whole "splattering blood" again. ^^
No matter how fast you are running, a simple graze of your knuckles, painful as it might be, wouldn't produce gushing fountains of blood. Now, if your MC caught his/her hand on something on the wall -- say, a sharp, rusty nail -- that could produce a lot of blood. :wink:

my attempt at freedom is hopeless!


"Is" is in the present tense. The rest of your story is in the past tense. Change "is" to "was." Unless she is swearing to herself at that moment:

I swore to myself, My attempt at freedom is hopeless! << But I don't think anyone would ever think that. :D

It was hard to keep my mind focused when everything I saw reminded me of what I was.


What is she (a clone?)? How does everything remind her of herself? Perhaps your MC knows, but the reader does not!

faulty leaking in such a perfect and well designed place.


This place doesn't sound all that perfect... in fact, it sounds like a horrible place. You describe it as though it is a leaky, wet, tunnel with crude/rough concrete walls.

I automatically counted the lights as I went by, and soon the incessant numbers in my mind were impossible to tune out.


Is there a reason she did this? Does counting lights have anything to do with escaping?

1…2…3


Always spell out numbers, unless it is something like 7,896,546,985.25. ^_^

I was covering 10 meters in a second now; if I wasn’t so damn scared I would have laughed. It was impossible to move that fast. The Olympic record was 100 meters in just over 9 seconds; I was clearly going faster


Once again, these numbers are all easy to spell out. So spell them out. :D

I like this re-write a lot more than the original.

Hope this helped,
Sakura
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Wed Mar 04, 2009 4:35 am
asxz says...



Thatnks sakura! It helped!
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