Young Writers Society

Hi, This is my prologue, compleatly re-woked and such! I am sorry if I missed out any one of your comments, I tried to make this as clear as possible. I also added in a little about what happens before the chase. That's basically what this part is about.
Since I didn't actually write the first prologue for a book, I was changing it around a lot here. (That's why it is in a new topic.) Oh, any this is my 250th post, so I thought I would do something special with it, like... I dunno, post a piece of my work!

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From the dim light that escaped the corridor, I knew that another step would be a death sentence.
Hoarse voices bounced off the walls and down the gloomy stairwell. They were still coming for me. That itself wasn’t a surprise, only that they hadn’t yet caught or cornered me. That was about to change, I decided as I took a weary look down the short staircase and into the basement tunnels. It took all of my concentration to keep myself from tripping as I jumped down the stairs. Back in the depths of my mind, I knew that my and the others attempts at freedom were undeniably useless.

I automatically thought back to the moment I had woken up; what seemed like my whole life was flashing before me in an instant.

* * *

Sheer terror had ripped through me and it took great effort to keep my insides were they belong. I knew what was happening instantly, it was like I had been told sub-consciously what they were doing to me, to us all. I sat up, rustling the stale linen sheets that could have been there for years. Looking around the room, I saw dozens of beds just like mine, with extremely pale and corpse-like bodies lying at rest.

Was I too late?

No. The one opposite me was breathing slightly. I watched her chest go up and down, sighing in the relief that I wasn’t responsible for lives being taken. Regardless of the fact that I knew what they were doing was bad, I still knew nothing of who they were, or what precisely they were doing. I knew, though, that it was too late to sit around and ponder my situation while they could be walking down the hallway for a monthly check up.

I pulled back the covers in one swift movement and jumped over the railing of my hospital bed. The next bed over was barely half a meter away, so I couldn’t help but look down at a sleeping teen, no older than fifteen. Tears welled up in my throat as I realized that I had no idea how to free her from the terrible nightmare.

Should I pull the plug?

That was what they say on TV, wasn’t it? I silently laughed at the fact that I could recall endless hours of boring and pointless soap operas, but not when I watched them or where. I curled back a thin strand of sandy blond hair, and rested my head on my hand.

What was I to do?

As cruel as it may sound, I knew that I couldn’t save them all, and if I killed this one, I could always try and save the next. I looked down at her, she seemed familiar. I tried to think back, but I found no answers and no recollection of this girl. I found nothing in fact, before the moment I woke up.
Perplexion, the drip, darkness.

What was my name? What country was I in? How did I get here, and why me? The questions were a never ending bombardment of water over a cliff. Each question buried me deeper until I was literally gasping for air; clawing my way out of the uncertainty. My eyes opened without me aware that I had closed them, and I fought my way to regain order. Questions can come later. Once I free the others, we could work together.

Once again, I found myself looking at my companion. Referring back to my scarce time, I interlocked my fingers and held them over her chest. With one last gulp of air, I brought them down on her sparsely breathing form and preformed a rugged version of CPR.

It won’t help, I thought. She’s in a coma or something, it’s not like she’s choking or drowning.
After a few ineffectual attempts, I moved my attention to the needle that pierced her elbows interior. With shaking arms I grasped the cord that attached it to a bag hanging by her side, and pulled. The needle came out with effortless ease, and at once she opened her eyes. Like me, she was fully awake by some bizarre miracle.
While I left her to get going, I rushed across the ward and pulled out more drips, hardly looking at the waking bodies. I could not, however fail to notice the striking resemblance to the first girl. The short, sandy brown hair and the square jaw were all the same. They even all had blue eyes, and a slightly offset nose. They were exact copies. Without even having to check, I knew that I would be the same. We were all the same. I bottled the emotions that surged through me. Fear, confusion and above all, a sense of self worthlessness. If there were a dozen others like you, would you still be unique?

The others were helping out now, pulling out the needles. Soon, everyone in the ward was awake. I couldn’t help but feel we were being watched, and our time was running out. I glided effortlessly through the room, trying to push out that hospital feel, even though I had no recollection of being in a hospital. I didn’t have any memory at all, and perhaps that is the reason I was dragged down by the rubbery smell and the railing above the beds. It took my best control not to cry out in pain, let the fear and despair loose in the miserable room. I looked through the one and only window in the room, I gazed upon the compound. We were on the first story of a building that could be plentiful in height; Judging by the other blocks that I could see. There might be hundreds of other sleeping teenagers, waiting to wake up and discover themselves, just like me.

Were they all the same, or did appearance vary from room to room? A slight movement caught my eye, and I immediately jumped away from the glass.

“Guys,” I addressed my look-alikes. “We need to get out of here. People are coming. Heaps of people. Split up and meet by the nearest McDonald’s you can find as soon as you loose them, that’s if they follow, of course.” Again, I was helped out by knowledge that I didn’t know existed until the words were out of my mouth, but thinking that they would know just as much as me, I dished out the instructions.

No sooner than the words had left my mouth, the girls in the room ran towards me, fighting for a hurried glance through the window. Each sprinted for the door at the far end of the room, after seeing the men outside.

Instinct was shouting for me to follow suit, but I had a nagging feeling that I should hang back. I hadn’t counted the figures as they advanced towards us, but there couldn’t be that many. If two followed each girl preceding me, then I might get a lucky break and be able to run away Scott free.
I surveyed the room once more, making sure that my job was done, when I caught a glimpse of an abnormality. I rushed over to the bed in the middle of the room, and stared hard until the mystery revealed itself.

Lying on the bed was the syringe, neatly placed just beside the safety-rail.

That was my bed.

Of all the things you can recognize, the bed you woke up in is towards the top of the list.

Is this why I woke up? Did someone take my needle out?

Why did taking the needle out release me from this sleep?

No. It didn’t make sense. I must have knocked it out when I was asleep, if you could call it sleeping. I disregarded the information and turned towards the door. Through the exit was a stairwell, and I immediately had the noble thought of waking up the entire building. No. I couldn’t do that. I had to survive. I didn’t know what might happen to me if I left the compound, without money, without shelter and without an identity, but I shuddered at the alternative. Just what would that be? I had absolutely no idea, but it seemed worse than anything that could happen to me in the real world, worse even, than lying in bed for years on end with no thoughts and no life.

I rubbed my arms from the breeze as I walked through the open door into the world, the chase was on…


* * *

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Thank you for reviewing, and All commments are welcom!

So I am definitely interested in this piece. Clones? That's pretty cool. I'm not too good in certain areas of writing like grammar, so my main focus is going to be on flow, descriptions, and redundancies because I am good at that. So here we go:

From the dim light that escaped the corridor, I knew that another step would be a death sentence.

Hoarse voices bounced off the walls and down the gloomy stairwell. They were still coming for me. That itself wasn’t a surprise, only that they hadn’t yet caught or cornered me. That was about to change, I decided as I took a wears look down the short staircase and into the basement tunnels. It took all of my concentration to keep myself from tripping as I jumped down the stairs. [s]Back[/s] In the depths of my mind, I knew that my [s]and the others’[/s] attempts at freedom were [s]are[/s] undeniably useless.

I thought back to the moment I had woken up; what seemed like my whole life was flashing before me in an instant.

Sheer terror had ripped through me and caused my insides to let out. I knew what was happening instantly, it was like I had been told sub-consciously of what they were doing to me, to us all. I curled back over the bed and sat up, rustling the stale linen sheets that could have been there for years. Looking around the room, I saw dozens of bed, just like mine, with pale and extremely dead looking bodies lying at rest.


Was I too late?


No. The one opposite me was breathing slightly. I watched her chest go up and down, sighing in the relief that I wasn’t responsible for lives being taken. Who was to blame if one of us let out in this ‘sleep’? Regardless of the fact that I knew what they were doing was bad, I still knew nothing of who ‘they’ were, or what precisely ‘they’ were doing. I knew, though, that it was too late to sit around and ponder my situation while ‘they’ could be walking down the hallway for a monthly check up.


I pulled back the covers in one swift movement and jumped over the railing of my hospital bed. There was barely enough room of two people in the spacing between mine and the next one over. I looked down at the sleeping teen, no older than 15. Tears welled up in my throat as I realized that I had no idea how to free her from the terrible nightmare.


Should I pull the plug?


That was what they say on TV, wasn’t it? I silently laughed at the fact that I could recall endless hours of boring and pointless soap operas, but not when I watched them or where. I curled back a thin strand of sandy blond hair, and rested my head on my hand.


What was I to do?


As cruel as this may sound, I knew that I couldn’t save them all, and if I killed this one, I could always try and save the next. I looked down at her, she seemed familiar. I thought back as far as I could remember, searching for the answers o my companionship with this girl.


The waking up, the drip, darkness.


What was my name? What country was I in? How did I get here, and why me? The questions were a never ending bombardment of water over a cliff. Each question buried me deeper until I was literally gasping for air, a way out of the uncertainty. My eyes opened without me aware that I had closed them, and I fought my way to regain order. Questions later, once I free the others, we could work together.


Once again, I found myself looking at my companion. Referring back to my scarce time, I interlocked my fingers and held them over her chest. With one last gulp of air, I brought them down on her sparsely breathing form and preformed a rugged version of CPR.


It won’t help, I thought. She’s in a coma or something, it’s not like she’s choking or drowning.

After a few ineffectual attempts, I moved my attention to the needle that pierced her elbows interior. With shaking arms I grasped the cord that attached it to a bag hanging by her side, and pulled. The needle came out with effortless ease, and at once she opened her eyes. Like me, she was fully awake by some bizarre miracle. While I left her to get going, I rushed across the ward and pulled out more drips, hardly looking at the waking bodies. I could not, however fail to notice the striking resemblance to the first girl. The short, sandy brown hair and the square jaw were all the same. They even all had blue eyes, and a slightly offset nose. They were exact copies. Without even having to check, I knew that I would be the same. We were all the same. I bottled the emotions that surged through me. Fear, confusion and above all, a sense of self worthlessness.


If there were a dozen others like you, would you still be unique?


The others were helping out now, pulling out the needles. Soon, everyone in the ward was awake. I couldn’t help but come back to the feeling that we were being watched, and our time was running out, all of us. I glided effortlessly through the depressing room, trying to push out that hospital feel, even though I had no recollection of being in a hospital. Through the one and only window in the entire room, I gazed upon the compound. We were on the first story of a building that could be plentiful in height. Judging by the other blocks in sight, there were many more sleeping teenagers just like me. Were they all the same, or did appearance vary from room to room? A slight movement was caught in the corner of my eye, and I immediately jumped away from the peephole.


“Guys,” I addressed my other selves. “We need to get out of here. Someone’s coming. Split up and meet by the nearest MacDonald’s you can find A.S.A.P.” Again, I was helped out by knowledge that I didn’t know existed until the thought popped into my head.


As if by telepathy, the girls in the room ran towards me and fought for a glance through the window. Each in turn saw the men and sprinted for the door. Instinct was shouting for me to follow suit, but I had a nagging feeling that I should hang back. I hadn’t counted the figures and the advanced towards us, but there couldn’t be that many. If two followed each girl preceding me, then I might get a lucky break ad be able to run away Scot free. I surveyed the room once more, making sure that my job was done, when I caught a glimpse of an abnormality. I rushed over to the bed in the middle of the room, and stared hard until the mystery revealed itself.


Lying on the bed was the syringe, neatly placed just beside the safety-rail.


That was my bed.


Of all the things you can recognize, the bed you woke up in is towards the top of the list.


Is this why I woke up? Did someone take my needle out? Why did taking the needle out release you from this sleep?


No. It didn’t make sense. I must have knocked it out when I was asleep, if you could call it sleeping. I disregarded the information and turned towards the door. Through the exit was a stairwell, and I immediately had the noble thought of waking up the entire building. No. I couldn’t do that. I had to survive. I didn’t know what might happen to me if I left the compound, without money, without shelter and without an identity, but I shuddered at the alternative. Just what would that be? I had absolutely no idea, but it seemed worse than anything that could happen to me in the read world, worse even, that lying in bed for years on end with no thoughts and no life.


I rubbed my arms from the breeze as I walked through the open door into the world, the chase was on…

That itself wasn’t a surprise, only that they hadn’t yet caught or cornered me. That was about to change, I decided as I took a weary look down the short staircase and into the basement tunnels.

That first sentence reads weird. Read it out loud and see if there isn't a different way you can write it. Also I believe you wanted it to be weary not wears. Furthermore, what is this first section about? Is it a dream? Or something from the future? I'm unsure as to what is going on here.

Sheer terror had ripped through me and caused my insides to let out.

Are your intestines hanging out? Because thats what this sounds like.

I knew what was happening instantly, it was like I had been told sub-consciously [s]of[/s] what they were doing to me, to us all.

I stumbled over this sentence. Plus I'm not sure if your punctuation is correct here, but I'm not very good at that.

I [s]curled back over the bed and[/s] sat up, rustling the stale linen sheets that could have been there for years.

The part where you curl over the bed sounds weird, so I think the sentence is better without that part.

Looking around the room, I saw dozens of bed, just like mine, with pale and extremely dead looking bodies lying at rest.

Extremely dead looking bodies would probably sound better if you replaced it with something like: corpse-like bodies.

Who was to blame if one of us let out in this ‘sleep’? Regardless of the fact that I knew what they were doing was bad, I still knew nothing of who ‘they’ were, or what precisely ‘they’ were doing. I knew, though, that it was too late to sit around and ponder my situation while ‘they’ could be walking down the hallway for a monthly check up.

Huh? This here is a lot of telling us that something is wrong here, but the way you write it is confusing. The first sentence I didn't even know what you were trying to say. Can you show us that something isn't right?

There was barely enough room of two people in the spacing between mine and the next one over.

I think this would be better if you kept it simple and said that the beds were just inches apart.

As cruel as [s]this[/s] it may sound, I knew that I couldn’t save them all, and if I killed this one, I could always try and save the next. I looked down at her, she seemed familiar. I thought back as far as I could remember, searching for the answers o my companionship with this girl.

What if you rewrote that last sentence to say something like: I tried to figure out the relationship I had with this girl.

Each question buried me deeper until I was literally gasping for air, a way out of the uncertainty.

How about you rewrite it: Each question buried me deeper until I was literally gasping for air; clawing my way out of the uncertainty. It flows much better that way.

Questions later. Once I free the others; we could work together.

I'm not sure if that is the right puncuation, but I think it is.

[s]Referring back to my scarce time,[/s] I interlocked my fingers and held them over her chest.

The scarce time part just didn't make sense.

We were all the same. I bottled the emotions that surged through me. Fear, confusion and above all, a sense of self worthlessness.

Wohoo! My fave part of the whole story!! Like, even though I don't know how it would feel to be a clone, I could totally relate. When I read that, I was like, Wow that is how I would probably feel. Good job!!

I couldn’t help but [s]come back to[/s] have the feeling that we were being watched, and our time was running out[s], all of us[/s].

I think what editing I have done in that sentence makes it flow much better.

I glided effortlessly through the depressing room, trying to push out that hospital feel, even though I had no recollection of being in a hospital.

Can you show us why the room is depressing instead of telling us? What does a hospital feel like? If you are a clone, I'd think the place would sort of look like a laboratory. You know test tubes, gadgets, white lab coats. That type of thing. If you need help with showing instead of telling check out this article. It has really helped me.

A slight movement [s]was[/s] caught [s]in the corner of[/s] my eye, and I immediately jumped away from the peephole.

You can also rewrite the sentence to say something like: Out of the corner of my eye I saw a slight movement, causing me to jump away from the peephole. Although, I'm not really sure how you can see something from the corner of your eye through a peephole, but that is besides the point.

“Guys,” I addressed my other selves. “We need to get out of here. Someone’s coming. Split up and meet by the nearest MacDonald’s you can find A.S.A.P.” Again, I was helped out by knowledge that I didn’t know existed until the thought popped into my head.

First of all, other selves sounds weird. What if you said look-alikes or copies or replicas? Next, MacDonald's is spelled McDonald's. Also, even though you suddenly remember McDonald's whats to say the clones do too? What if they think Taco Bell is McDonald's? Or what if the nearest McDonald's is thirty miles away? (Although not likely, but still) Why don't you point out a landmark just beyond the compound, like a big tree or rock? Finally, I really don't like the use of ASAP in dialouge. While some people do say ASAP, most just take the time to say as soon as possible. I know your character is in a time crunch here, but you as an author are not. I'd like you to write it out.

As if by telepathy, the girls in the room ran towards me and fought for a glance through the window.

Okay, so it is not telepathy because you told them someone was coming, right? Or was it telepathy that they all moved over to the window at once? Either way, why have them make sure someone is coming? If I were them, I would just run for the door to escape, I wouldn't double-check. I'd be running and NOT looking back.

I hadn’t counted the figures and the advanced towards us, but there couldn’t be that many.

What were you trying to say when you wrote that part about advanced? It just didn't make sense. Read it out loud and hopefully you can say exactly what you were trying to say in a way that everyone can grasp.

If two followed each girl preceding me, then I might get a lucky break and be able to run away Scot free.

And instead of ad. Also I think Scot free should be Scott free.

Through the exit was a stairwell, and I immediately had the noble thought of waking up the entire building. No. I couldn’t do that. I had to survive.

I had an internal battle when I read this. I was like, YEAH save them all! Do it! But then I was like, no, there's no way she can save them all! She's already risking it by saving a whole room. It was a really climatic time in my life. I had to take a break, just to gather my thoughts. Whoa, I'm getting worked up right now just thinking about it! Way to go!

I had absolutely no idea, but it seemed worse than anything that could happen to me in the real world, worse even, than lying in bed for years on end with no thoughts and no life.

Real instead of read. Than instead of that.

I rubbed my arms from the breeze as I walked through the open door into the world. The chase was on…

I don't like the ellipses at the end. It isn't necessary because you aren't continuing your thought or omitting any text.

Other than that I think it is really good. You need work on your flow and doing more showing instead of telling, but the plot has major potential. I am really excited to read more. PM me when you post the next chapter!

Hi! Here's your review, nitpicks and all!

That was about to change, I decided as I took a wears look down the short staircase and into the basement tunnels.

I think you mean weary there.

Back in the depths of my mind, I knew that my and the others’ attempts at freedom are undeniably useless.

It goes from past tense to present tense. Maybe change that to 'were'.

I thought back to the moment I had woken up; what seemed like my whole life was flashing before me in an instant.

This sentence is extremely confusing. Is the person meaning the moment that they woke up in the morning, or are they remembering a dream? Also, it doesn't really read that well. Try going over it again and rewording it.

Sheer terror had ripped through me and caused my insides to let out. I knew what was happening instantly, it was like I had been told sub-consciously of what they were doing to me, to us all. I curled back over the bed and sat up, rustling the stale linen sheets that could have been there for years. Looking around the room, I saw dozens of bed, just like mine, with pale and extremely dead looking bodies lying at rest.

Confusing paragraph all in all. What do you mean, 'caused my insides to let out.' Also, change bed to beds, and take out the comma right after 'beds'.

Who was to blame if one of us let out in this ‘sleep’?

What do you mean? Explain a bit more.

There was barely enough room of two people in the spacing between mine and the next one over.

Should be 'for'.

I looked down at the sleeping teen, no older than 15.

Change 'the' to 'a'. It'll work better. Also, spell numbers. Change 15 to fifteen.

I thought back as far as I could remember, searching for the answers o my companionship with this girl.

'to'.

A slight movement was caught in the corner of my eye, and I immediately jumped away from the peephole.

'peephole' makes me think of a tiny hole that he/she is looking through. Isn't the person looking through a window?

“Guys,” I addressed my other selves. “We need to get out of here. Someone’s coming. Split up and meet by the nearest MacDonald’s you can find A.S.A.P.” Again, I was helped out by knowledge that I didn’t know existed until the thought popped into my head.

I'm confused by this also, especially the last sentence. Try rewording it. Also, it's spelled 'McDonalds'.

As if by telepathy, the girls in the room ran towards me and fought for a glance through the window. Each in turn saw the men and sprinted for the door.

Did the main character see the men too? Earlier it just said that they saw a movement in the corner. See here:

A slight movement was caught in the corner of my eye, and I immediately jumped away from the peephole.

Where was the movement? In the room or outside?

Is this why I woke up? Did someone take my needle out? Why did taking the needle out release you from this sleep?

Should be 'me', not 'you' because the main character is thinking this.

I had absolutely no idea, but it seemed worse than anything that could happen to me in the read world, worse even, that lying in bed for years on end with no thoughts and no life.

Should be 'real'.

I really like the idea in the story, and I'm looking forward to reading more. Good job, and thanks so much for reviewing my story as well. It was really helpful!

Thank you, you guys. The reviews were helpfull. I am currently re=editing my novel/story, so you can read the old chapters now. Just look at my portfolio, and it's called split personalities. I hope to have the next chapter re-done by the weekend.

Hey there,

Here as requested =]

No. The one opposite me was breathing slightly. I watched her chest go up and down, sighing in the relief that I wasn’t responsible for lives being taken

Why would it be her fault anyways? This confused me.

“Guys,” I addressed my look-alikes. “We need to get out of here. People are coming. Heaps of people. Split up and meet by the nearest McDonald’s you can find as soon as you loose them, that’s if they follow, of course.”

This is bound to mess up. I don't know how it is where you are, but where I am you could find two MacDonalds places not too far apart - they'd end up at the wrong one.

I hadn’t counted the figures as they advanced towards us, but there couldn’t be that many. If two followed each girl preceding me, then I might get a lucky break and be able to run away Scott free.

You made it sound as though there were a lot of those girls, so if there were two for each girl then... er, there'd be an army of bad guys?

^^

Not a very long review, sorry. I think you've made many good improvements!

Feel free to leave a comment in my Will Review For Food thread when you post the edited version of the next part, m'dear!

XxxDo

Yeah... Those were things I was a bit shy about myself... I guess I have to go back and fix them now.Thank you XxxDo

That was about to change, I decided

"They" not catching the narrator was about to change? That sounds awfully weird.

I knew that my and the others attempts at

Should be other's with an apostrophe, also sounds weird - instead of mine and the other's, you could just write our.

I automatically thought back to the moment

Thought back is kind of awkward. What about something like flashed back or remembered? Because thinking suggests calm, thinking-it-through, slowness, which isn't what the narrator would be doing while trying to escape.

to keep my insides where they belong.

I watched her chest go up and down, sighing in the relief that I wasn’t responsible for lives being taken. Regardless of the fact that I knew what they were doing was bad, I still knew nothing of who they were, or what precisely they were doing. I knew, though, that it was too late to sit around and ponder my situation while they could be walking down the hallway for a monthly check up.

So...word variation is always a good thing! Instead of having three knews in this little bit, what about using a different word or sentence structure or checking a thesaurus or even deleting the I knews where appropriate, considering if the narrator is saying it than it's obvious that they know.

This goes for the whole thing - so far reading has been fairly boring, regardless of plot, because it's just like "I knew this. I did this, but I knew they were..." whatever. It's all the same. I'm going to link you to this article on word choice, and hopefully the diction will improve a bit.

find as soon as you lose them,

be able to run away scot-free. (I think.)

Okay! So, onto the overall.

First of all, this is quite interesting and mysterious. I assume you meant to keep us guessing? Which is totally fine, and a good way to get readers to keep reading, so good job on that.

However.

This is in first person, which means that the story should take us right into the head of the narrator - we should know her every thought and emotion. And...I don't know, I just didn't get that. It is really hard for me to care about her, and I think that's because I don't know her well enough yet, you know? And she wakes up, in this strange place, with strange knowledge, and forgetting other things, and with a squillion carbon copies of herself. I wanted more reaction, more time where she stops and says, hold on, this is effed up, let me think about this for a second. Because this is some weird stuff going on, and she's just like, everyone meet at a McDonald's! So I think it would be more effective if we got more of a sense of her emotions.

This brings me back to word choice, which, again, is important. Don't give up your style or your plot for a bunch of fancy words, but do think about just what is the right way to say what you want to. I think that article will help a lot - it has definitely helped me.

I hope this didn't seem too harsh. It definitely has potential, I just want...more! PM me if you need any help (and sorry this took so long!) -Mars

Hi! Thank you for the reviews. The next 2 parts are up, they should be near the top of the forum!

Hi! This is a really exciting beginning, from the very start to the end its got my heart pounding. I haven't read every one's comments so sorry if I end up repeating what some people have said, on with the review!

That was about to change, I decided as I took a weary look down the short staircase and into the basement tunnels.

weary seems a bit out of place here- even if you were exhausted you'd still be on edge through trying to escape. Wary or cautious might work better. Also whats about to change? I think you need to make it a bit clearer what you're referring to.

Back in the depths of my mind, I knew that my and the others attempts at freedom were undeniably useless.

I'd rephrase this to run a bit smoother, maybe something like -'I knew that my attempt at freedom, like the others, was undeniably useless.'

Sheer terror had ripped through me and it took great effort to keep my insides were they belong.

I'd maybe add something after 'ripped through me' like 'as soon as I had opened my eyes' to show that this happened as soon as she woke up. Were needs to be where.

I sat up, rustling the stale linen sheets that could have been there for years.

The 'that could have been there for years' part seemed a bit out of place here for me. I'd leave it out or replace it with something else.

I watched her chest go up and down, sighing in the relief that I wasn’t responsible for lives being taken.

I'd change 'in the' to 'with', and 'lives being taken' could maybe be reworded, perhaps 'for any one's death'.

Tears welled up in my throat as I realized that I had no idea how to free her from the terrible nightmare.

I get what you mean about the throat part, but I'd change it a bit as tears don't well up in your throat. You could say something about a lump in her throat and/or tears filling her eyes to make more sense.

I silently laughed at the fact that I could recall endless hours of boring and pointless soap operas,

Even though its funny, when you're in a situation like this I'm not sure if you would silently laugh. I have the image of this girl grinning as she stands over someone else who looks to be in a coma which is a bit weird! Maybe you could say something about it being funny without her laughing. For instance 'It was funny really that I could recall endless hours of boring and pointless soap operas,'

I curled back a thin strand of sandy blond hair, and rested my head on my hand.

I got a bit confused here as to whether it was the characters own hair or the girl in the coma- I'd add a 'my' before 'sandy blond hair'.

The questions were a never ending bombardment of water over a cliff. Each question buried me deeper until I was literally gasping for air; clawing my way out of the uncertainty.

Instead of 'over a cliff' I think it should be 'against a cliff' and although both metaphors are really good I'm not sure if they work together. If they related to one another it might work better.

The needle came out with effortless ease, and at once she opened her eyes.

Instead of 'effortless ease' I'd stick to either ease or effortlessly.

I glided effortlessly through the room, trying to push out that hospital feel, even though I had no recollection of being in a hospital.

Glided to me doesn't sound right- I thought she was panicking moments before? Something about her dashing around would fit more in with the excitement of the story, or even if things have slowed down, drifting might be a better word to use.

It took my best control not to cry out in pain, let the fear and despair loose in the miserable room. I looked through the one and only window in the room, I gazed upon the compound.

So as not to repeat room, I'd change the second one and instead of 'I gazed upon the compound' I'd alter it a bit to run smoother, so something like 'I looked through the one and only window I could see, gazing out upon the compound.'

We were on the first story of a building that could be plentiful in height;

I'm not that keen on 'plentiful in height', maybe you could change it to something like 'extremely high'

There might be hundreds of other sleeping teenagers, waiting to wake up and discover themselves, just like me.

As she has already woken up, I'd change 'just like me' to 'just like I had been'.

I had absolutely no idea, but it seemed worse than anything that could happen to me in the real world,

As it still is the real world I'd maybe say 'outside world' instead.

I rubbed my arms from the breeze as I walked through the open door into the world, the chase was on…

I really like this ending

Overall comments: I think you have got a really interesting beginning, I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes! I really enjoyed your style of writing and the way you build excitement throughout your work whilst having the MC feeling confused and scared, as ignorant as to what is going on as the reader.

Something I think it would be good to add in would be some speech from the other girls in the room, especially when she first wakes up the girl beside her. Wouldn't she want to ask questions straight away like the MC is in her head? I'd maybe have the first girl to wake up asking what was going on and maybe the MC warning her to be quiet and help. I'd like to know what her expression was as well, surely she would have been frightened from waking up so this might be a good time to describe the fear on her face.

I like how you have the thoughts of the MC questioning everything as I think that is how anyone would be in this situation

Well I'm off to review the next piece, all these comments are just opinion so ignore them if you want, Hope I've helped!

Hi, asxz! Here as requested.

I'm sorry this took so long. Life can get a bit hectic, ya know?
Anyways. Shall we venture onwards?

Any nit-picks I noticed have been pointed out, and I would suggest fixing most of them. I know misspellings and incorrect punctuation seem like small things, but when it's all brought together it can really bring a piece down.
Correcting typos and other errors such as that not only make your story neater, but easier to read for the audience.

Alright, so I'm just going to give you a pretty basic overview. (There's not much I can say since it's just a prologue.)
Grammar-wise, you had quite a few instances where your wordplay was rather off. A great way to check your story for awkward sentence structure is to read through it a day or two after you've finished the draft. That way, the words aren't quite so fresh in your mind and it's easier for you to look at your work with an editor's eye. At least, that's what works for me.

The atmosphere you created in this was alright. I personally think that your opening was stronger than the rest of the prologue, as it gives a more vivid image of where exactly the narrator is. (On a side note: your hook definitely grabbed my attention. Nice way to set up an immediate dramatic setting.)
The rest, however, was rather bland, I felt.
Although you sprinkled the hospital scene with a few good bits and pieces of description, I felt like there wasn't enough. I personally didn't get a good enough picture in my mind of where the narrator was.

So here's the part where I voice my picky complaints.
How does the MC not realize at first that all of the sleeping kids look alike? I mean, honestly. That would've been the first thing that would've come to my attention. Also, why does she suddenly try to wake them up? You didn't really give us much insight as to why she felt the need to "unplug" the other girls.
Would you really react that way in a similar situation? Like Mars said, if that was me, I'd stop for a second and think to myself "OK, this is really messed up. What should I do?" Your MC on the other hand, just sort of jumps into action led by gut-feeling alone. Although, that's not entirely a bad thing, I suppose. It shows a lot about her character, and how she's obviously prone to split-second decisions. Regardless, you should work on letting the readers into the narrator's head a bit more.
We don't want to be just as confused as her. As the writer, you can afford to let us in on a little more than you can your MC.
Despite all of the mean things I said above, I enjoyed reading this! It's got a sort of mystique-type quality that I find really interesting. I would love to read more of this, so I can find out what the heck is going on. xD

So: work on your grammar (I'd highly suggest browsing the 'Writing Tips' forum. It's there to help!), let us into the narrator's head, be a bit more realistic (think "what would I do if this happened?"), and describe the setting a little more. Give us readers a broader view of where we're supposed to be.

Thank you very much for the read, asxz! Just post in my thread again if you ever need anything else reviewed!


~anti-pop

Hey there, asxz! Here I am

From the dim light that escaped the corridor, I knew that another step would be a death sentence.

This is a good opening sentence; however, I started to wonder whether it's possible to say that. Wouldn't it be more correct if it were "...another step would lead to a death sentence"? But because it sounds a little awkward, I suggest you change it to "...another step would be a suicide." (Of course, you can keep the current one if you feel like it. This was merely a suggestion )

I knew that my and the others attempts at freedom were undeniably useless.

Something is wrong with that 'my' thing, I just can't decide what it is. It wouldn't be quite right if you wrote 'mine' instead of 'my', but there's something funny about it now. Think of what you could do to it. Also, remember to put an apostrophe after 'the others' since it's a possessive form.

it took great effort to keep my insides where they belonged.

I knew what was happening instantly, it was like I had been told sub-consciously what they were doing to me, to us all.

If you switched the places of 'happening' and 'instantly', the idea would come out clearer.

sighing in the relief that I wasn’t responsible for lives being taken.

Good piece of characterization!

I could not, however fail to notice the striking resemblance to the first girl. The short, sandy brown hair and the square jaw were all the same. They even all had blue eyes, and a slightly offset nose. They were exact copies. Without even having to check, I knew that I would be the same. We were all the same.

This is starting to remind me very strongly about the 'Replica' series by Marilyn Kaye. I don't know if you've heard of them.



I kind of agree with the other reviewers about the strange behaviour of the MC in an even stranger situation. Unless she's supposed to be an emotionless robot... But I don't think she is, even though she has her clones and everything. Overall, I thikn you've got a fascinating start here, and I would probably read and review the following parts even though you wouldn't have asked me to.

See you around!


Demeter
xxx

I seem to be late for the nit-picks again. Sorry. But I suppose my last reviews must have been good enough for you to come back. =]

May I suggest posting in less "Will Review for Food" threads? When you post in so many, not only do you get repetitive reviews, but it becomes slightly annoying for the reviewers, since everything has already been said by the first few.

So this, like anti-pop's is going to be more of a basic overview.

Overall

First of all, it takes your MC (who finally has a gender!) much to long to notice that all of the bodies look like her.
Your MC is also awfully A.D.D. She needs to stay focused on one thing at a time. While staring at the other girls' bodies, she suddenly wonders, "Wait, who am I?"
She moves from thought to thought. One moment she is removing needles from arms, the next she is wondering what country she is in.
She also thinks a bit too fast. Why would she try to save the other girls in the first place? If I was in a room with a million of my own look-alikes, I would run. And when she begins to unplug needles from the look-alikes, she forms a plan in about two seconds:

“Guys,” I addressed my look-alikes. “We need to get out of here. People are coming. Heaps of people. Split up and meet by the nearest McDonald’s you can find as soon as you loose them, that’s if they follow, of course.”

I assume this is supposed to be the "formerly known as" Le Mysterious voice.
The problem is, I can't tell. She doesn't seem particularly surprised when the words come out of her mouth. I think you should mention that the words are coming from Le Mysterious voice and feel forced coming out of her.

Why don't the clones react at all? Can they talk? They simply run to the window.

Wait... the door is open? You need to describe the atmosphere wrong. I picture a secret hospital ward, with white washed walls, linoleum floors, a sterile Lysol-smell, and rows and rows of identical beds. Yet there is a window? And an open door? In this secret room?

This was much improved, Asxz. I thoroughly enjoyed it (a lot more than the originals)

Hope this helped,
Sakura