Okay, here's another attempt at a short story. My other one was kind of a disaster but I've tried again and hopefully this ones better. Harsh criticism is welcome for that is the only way I will improve.
Enjoy!
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Snowflakes float down from the dark void that is the sky. They paint my cheeks and nose a cool wet sheer and I open my mouth to steal one that has landed on my lips. I smile, the snowflake melting on my tongue. I drift backwards, carving into the barely frozen frost, my silhouette imprinting the earth. Another's silhouette imprints the night sky and my voice calls out to it.
"What are you thinking about?" My voice is loose and flowing, tumbling from my lips like discarded words, lucky enough to form a sentence.
"Nothing in particular." Comes a strong British accent from the shadows. I shiver deliciously at his voice. Never did his voice cease to excite me.
"How boring!" I roll over on my side, closer to him. His face becomes more defined as he leans closer. His cheeks gaining shape, his nose sharper, his eyes piercing through the blackness like silver pools of light.
"What are you thinking about?" He challenges with a slight grin to his voice.
"Everything. School. Work. You." The last word is whisper of a sound. It floats between us like a stranded soul, not knowing which way to turn. He leans away, his face dissolving into a shapeless form once again. Anger bubbles just beneath my skin. "You do not think of me?"
"I never said that." He breathes deeply. I hear the shuddering in his chest along with the constriction of his heart. I roll back onto my spine, my eyes reaching out into the stars, seeking some sort of guidance. I am bewildered, lost as if I was being pulled in all different directions. And there is only one person to solve my problems. Only three words need to be spoken to ease my suffering.
I love you.
They are so simple, yet the heavy weight of them can weigh even the strongest people down. These words are not to be spoken lightly though I've held no burden when I have said them in the past.
Now, I long to hear them spoken by him but he seems so desperate to hide them from me like some sick game. I sigh, letting my eyes slip closed. The wind picks up and snowflakes entangle in my hair. I hear him shift, the snow cracking beneath his body but I dare not open my eyes. I feel him descend beside me and still, I keep them closed. I open them only when I feel his lips at my ear.
"I do think of you." He whispers, the wind carrying his voice to my ear.
"But it isn't enough is it." I sniff, my nose starting to run from the cold. He sighs, deep and clear and I clamp my eyes shut, knowing the answer I dread to hear.
"No. It's not enough." He says, his voice a knife that pierces my heart.
I choke back a sob. "Because you're leaving tomorrow?"
"Yes." He collapses beside me, his body lost in the mountain of white.
"But, we can call each other." I try desperately to cling to the thought of us together. "We can write. Email." But it is like clutching smoke with your bare hands.
"You know it won't be the same." His words are taking on a sharper edge with each syllable and I feel it in my heart like pricks of needles.
But I know he is right. We will be worlds away by tomorrow afternoon. Never to see each other again. And I feel the trickle of tears welling just beyond my vision. He hears the soft hiccups from me, the effect of holding back my tears. "Oh, Lori." He gathers me into his arms. "Let's not think about tomorrow." I bury my face into the warmth of his coat and his lips flutter through my hair, kissing the strands.
I wish to stay here like this forever, protected in his strong arms. I forget that he is leaving tomorrow. I forget that we might not see each other again. I forget everything but him. I only smell his cologne and feel only the soft fur strands that line the inside of his coat. And I embrace him closer, looking up at the midnight sky speckled with stars.
~ ~ ~ ~
The airport is filled with boisterous noise. People shove and shake me as they run to catch their flight. I feel numb and don't notice the many apologies thrown in my general direction after another person pushes me aside. All that is in my mind is the fact that James is leaving today.
He's leaving me.
The thought is so bizarre but I know that it is true. He is leaving for good. Never to visit or call again. The thought sounds odd on my tongue and I swallow it down my throat, leaving a burning, bitter taste to my mouth.
I reach the terminal where he will departure, my mother leading the way. She points to where James is standing with his American family. He embraces them both and last hugs Adam.
I smile weakly when they spot me and wave me over. My mother gives me a slight shove when I don't move and I stumble forward. James is staring at his feet, his hands in his pockets. I wish he would embrace me. Tell me he will write or call every night. To whisper in my ear that everything will be okay and that he'll visit as soon as he can. But I know those will be false promises made to keep me happy.
He won't write or call. It won't be okay and he'll never visit. I swallow the lump in my throat as he looks up, his silver eyes filled with regret. "Well, I guess this is good-bye then." I stutter, tears welling in my eyes. He doesn't answer but he scoops me up into his arms and squeezes the air from my lungs. But I don't protest and just hang on for dear life. His cologne floats across my nose and I file it away in my memory. I pull back and stare at his face, trying to memorize every little detail to the dimple of his cheeks to the mole dotting the corner of his mouth.
He smiles sadly when his plane is called out. I start to tremble as I release him. "Good-bye, Lori." His voice breaks at the end and he has to look away. Tears burst from the dam I tried to create and pour down my face. I watch him walk through the door to his plane.
Even after he disappears, I stay and watch, hoping for some miracle that he'll walk right back through the door and say it was all some cruel joke. But he doesn't come. He is gone. And he's taken my heart with him.
~ ~ ~ ~
"Come on, honey. It'll be all right." My mother assures me, rubbing my back soothingly before placing a pot of coffee on the stove. I hunch over the table and place my chin on the table. It has been three hours since James left for London but it feels like forever ago.
My mother flicks on the small TV and the news blasts from the speakers. I stare at the screen but don't really see anything. My mind is on James. On his bronze-colored skin and silver eyes. I think about his thick accent that always made me smile and his adorable dimples. I also think of how I'll never see his face again. How I'll never hear his British slang. Never again will he embrace me or tell me how much-
I cut this thought off. Thinking about him was too painful. Instead, I turn my attention to the television.
The news lady appears and drones for a while as her voice pushes through the numbness of my body and I hear with unbelieving ears what she says. "In other news, we have just received word of a devastating plane crash." My ears perk up and I sit straighter in my chair.
"Rescuers are arriving at the scene at this moment." Across the screen flashed a plane, snapped in half like a broken child's toy, smoke billowing from the crack in the middle. My mind clouds over and everything goes numb when I hear her next words.
"This planes destination was for the UK and went down only hours after lift off in a field near Parkinson Valley."
I left my body than and crawled closer to the TV. I watch as they show more pictures of the plane, nose first into the each. A huge wrinkled prune in a cornfield. My eyes widen as they lady continues to talk. "This crash was very destructive. There are no survivors."
I return to my body then. My world flips upside down and I spin into a void of darkness
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
lhighton:
lol
Thank so much for your lengthy review!
I will make the corrections as soon as I can!
yeah, I know my stories get cliche at times but I try really hard not to let them enter that "red zone".
Thanks again for the encouraging review!
Demeter:
Thanks so much for your comment!
It means a lot to me when people say they like my work!
Aw, that was sad! And well written, I have to say. But I love British boys and the accent, too, like Casey
He was an exchange student, I reckon?
That's repetitive – see?
Good ending, but remember the point in the end.
By the way, I think this is my 150th review! I'll get a fourth star! Yay! (Ignore that, please.)
The others here have very good points, listen to them.
Demeter xx
Hi - corrections and comments are in bold.
Snowflakes float down from the dark void that is the sky. They paint my cheeks and nose a cool wet sheer and I open my mouth to steal one that has landed on my lips. I smile, the snowflake melting on my tongue. I drift backwards, carving into the barely frozen frost, my silhouette imprinting the earth. Another's silhouette imprints the night sky and my voice calls out to it.
Whoa, this is good stuff, very well-written so far…
"What are you thinking about?" My voice is loose and flowing, tumbling from my lips like discarded words, lucky enough to form a sentence.
"Nothing in particular." Comes a strong British accent from the shadows. I shiver deliciously at his voice. Never did his voice cease to excite me.
This is maybe just a personal issue, but I think saying ‘British’ really detracts from it. What is he, English (given the title), Northern Irish, Welsh, or Scottish? You talk about a ‘British accent’ but there are so many that it is hard to visualise this accent she is so fixated on.
"How boring!" I roll over on my side, closer to him. His face becomes more defined as he leans closer. His cheeks gaining shape, his nose getting sharper, and his eyes piercing through the blackness like silver pools of light.
"What are you thinking about?" He challenges with a slight grin to his voice.
Seeing as though the challenging is in the dialogue itself, ‘he’ should not be capitalised.
Also, I think ‘you’ should be in italics for emphasis.
"Everything. School. Work. You." The last word is whisper of a sound. It floats between us like a stranded soul (stranded soul? Great imagery!!), not knowing which way to turn. He leans away, his face dissolving into a shapeless form once again. Anger bubbles just beneath my skin. "You do not think of me?" The “You do not think of me?” sounds terribly awkward. How about, “Don’t you think of me?” or just “You don’t think of me?” I find it strained, otherwise.
"I never said that." He breathes deeply. I hear the shuddering in his chest along with the constriction of his heart. I roll back onto my spine, my eyes reaching out into the stars, seeking some sort of guidance. I am bewildered, lost as if I was being pulled in all different directions. And there is only one person to solve my problems. Only three words need to be spoken to ease my suffering.
I love you. Bit cliché, but fine…
They are so simple, yet the heavy weight of them can weigh (Weight and weigh – too similar to be so close together. How about “…yet the heavy weight of them can hold”?) even the strongest people down. These words are not to be spoken lightly though I've held no burden when I have said them in the past.
Now, I long to hear them spoken by him but he seems so desperate to hide them from me like some sick game. I sigh, letting my eyes slip closed. The wind picks up and snowflakes entangle in my hair. I hear him shift, the snow cracking beneath his body but I dare not open my eyes. I feel him descend beside me and still, I keep them closed. I open them only when I feel his lips at my ear.
"I do think of you." He whispers, the wind carrying his voice to my ear. Don’t capitalise that ‘he’! And that should be a comma after ‘you’."But it isn't enough is it." I sniff, my nose starting to run from the cold. He sighs, deep and clear and I clamp my eyes shut, knowing the answer I dread to hear.
"No. It's not enough." He (he) says, his voice a knife that pierces my heart.
I choke back a sob. "Because you're leaving tomorrow?"
"Yes." He collapses beside me, his body lost in the mountain of white.
"But, we can call each other." I try desperately to cling to the thought of us together. "We can write. Email." But it is like clutching smoke with your bare hands.
"You know it won't be the same." His words are taking on a sharper edge with each syllable and I feel it in my heart like pricks of needles.
But I know he is right. We will be worlds away by tomorrow afternoon. Never to see each other again. And I feel the trickle of tears welling just beyond my vision. He hears the soft hiccups from me, the effect of holding back my tears. "Oh, Lori." He gathers me into his arms. "Let's not think about tomorrow." I bury my face into the warmth of his coat and his lips flutter through my hair, kissing the strands.
I wish to stay here like this forever, protected in his strong arms. I forget that he is leaving tomorrow. I forget that we might not see each other again. I forget everything but him. I only smell his cologne and feel only the soft fur strands that line the inside of his coat. And I embrace him closer, looking up at the midnight sky speckled with stars. You’ve mastered that suburb imagery again. ~ ~ ~ ~
The airport is filled with boisterous noise. People shove and shake me as they run to catch their flight. I feel numb I hate – ‘numb’ – it is so overused and don't notice the many apologies thrown in my general direction after another person pushes me aside. All that is in my mind is the fact that James is leaving today.
He's leaving me.
The thought is so bizarre but I know that it is true. He is leaving for good. Never to visit or call again. The thought sounds odd on my tongue and I swallow it down my throat, leaving a burning, bitter taste to my mouth.
I reach the terminal where he will departure (that’ll be ‘depart’), my mother leading the way. She points to where James is standing with his American family (I’m confused. Am I missing something here? American family… I thought he was British?). He embraces them both and last hugs Adam.
I smile weakly when they spot me and wave me over. My mother gives me a slight shove when I don't move and I stumble forward. James is staring at his feet, his hands in his pockets. I wish he would embrace me. Tell me he will write or call every night. To whisper in my ear that everything will be okay and that he'll visit as soon as he can. But I know those will be false promises made to keep me happy.
He won't write or call. It won't be okay and he'll never visit. I swallow the lump in my throat as he looks up, his silver eyes filled with regret. "Well, I guess this is good-bye then." I stutter, tears welling in my eyes. He doesn't answer but he scoops me up into his arms and squeezes the air from my lungs. But I don't protest and just hang on for dear life. His cologne floats across my nose and I file it away in my memory. I pull back and stare at his face, trying to memorize every little detail to the dimple of his cheeks to the mole dotting the corner of his mouth.
He smiles sadly when his plane is called out. I start to tremble as I release him. "Good-bye, Lori." His voice breaks at the end and he has to look away. Tears burst from the dam I tried to create and pour down my face. I watch him walk through the door to his plane.
Even after he disappears, I stay and watch, hoping for some miracle that he'll walk right back through the door and say it was all some cruel joke. But he doesn't come. He is gone. And he's taken my heart with him. The ‘…taken my heart with him’ is so overused. I think you could deffo do better than that.~ ~ ~ ~
"Come on, honey. It'll be all right." My mother assures me, rubbing my back soothingly before placing a pot of coffee on the stove. I hunch over the table and place my chin on the table. It has been three hours since James left for London but it feels like forever ago.
My mother flicks on the small TV and the news blasts from the speakers. I stare at the screen but don't really see anything. My mind is on James. On his bronze-colored skin and silver eyes. I think about his thick accent that always made me smile and his adorable dimples. I also think of how I'll never see his face again. How I'll never hear his British slang. Never again will he embrace me or tell me how much-
I cut this thought off. Thinking about him was too painful. Instead, I turn my attention to the television.
The news lady appears and drones for a while as her voice pushes through the numbness of my body and I hear with unbelieving ears what she says. "In other news, we have just received word of a devastating plane crash." My ears perk up and I sit straighter in my chair.
"Rescuers are arriving at the scene at this moment." Across the screen flashed a plane, snapped in half like a broken child's toy (Ah, your descriptions at its best!), smoke billowing from the crack in the middle. My mind clouds over and everything goes numb (that evil ‘numb’ again…) when I hear her next words.
"This planes destination was for the UK and went down only hours after lift off in a field near Parkinson Valley."
I left my body than and crawled closer to the TV. I watch as they show more pictures of the plane, nose first into the each. A huge wrinkled prune in a cornfield. My eyes widen as they lady continues to talk. "This crash was very destructive. There are no survivors."
I return to my body then. My world flips upside down and I spin into a void of darkness
This is absolutely stunning, ashleylee. Honestly, I think the climax was great. I have no problems with it – your desriptions, the vocab you’ve used, the imagery, all in one was excellent – and I would only mention that you have bordered on dipping into cliché at times but never so much that you need to worry. It was packed full of crisp, raw emotion and was so real! Kudos to you! (Oh, and a star, of course!)
aestar101:
Thank you SO much!
Your review makes me so very happy!
Wow. Deep. I loved this piece. It was a nice balance of beauty and fate. A balance that all romance should have. I felt so attached to your characters. Espeicially James, I was devastated when he died in the crash. But had to happen or it would be an extreme cliche. I loved how the story connected with the ending. Highlights:
Very powerful. This part is what I take away from this story.
I have to thank you for a job well done.
Lady of Fire:
lol
Thanks for reviewing this!
Gosh, I wrote this such a long time ago...it seems like ages...
Yeah, I just kind of let it up to the reader to imagine what all the possibilities could be. I'm glad I got you thinking!
Well, thanks again!
woah, that was unexpected. a tragic romance and one like i have never read before. i wonder if he knew he was going to die and that is why he didn't promise her anything. hmm, thoughts and posabilities radiating in the brain. ok, i have no complants so i'll just say good job.
I'm sorry but I guess that's just how it's written. Maybe if I continue it, I won't kill him!
Yes, the edit is much more to the point with the plane crash. It has a more emotional impact this way. *thumbs up* But still, did you have to kill him?
*very sad*
Good stuff...
~GryphonFledgling
Okay, I fixed the end of it so now there is only one plane crash. Also, I fixed some grammar things as well so hopefully it looks better.
But if any body notices anything, please let me know because I need as much help as I can get!
Hey Ash.
There were only a couple things I noticed - but as you know I don't really have time to go and fully critique it. My overall impression: Great. Your writing is getting better. At some points I felt like it dragged, but that was really the only thing.
I'm glad you wrote this. Write on.
Hey, thanks to all of you for liking this so much!
It's great to hear when other's like your work.
I agree with you all now that I read through it again about the first plane crash. I was trying to draw up suspense! But I guess that didn't go as planned! lol
Anyway, I'm sorry that you guys didn't like it that I killed him. I sort of wrote this on a whim so it all came to me in a span of five seconds. I am thinking of maybe creating this into something more but the idea hasn't come yet.
Thanks again for all your comments!
I agree with Joe in that the "ooh, gotcha" moment with the false plane crash scare (well, not false, but not that plane). It doesn't do anything for the story and just slows it down.
A little work on your punctuation:
"I love you," he said. -- This has always been a problem of my own. When ending dialogue with a tag (he said, she cried, etc.) you have a comma at the end of the dialogue, then the quotation marks, then the tag. The way you have it ("I love you." He said) is incorrect. No worries, it's easy to fix.
I liked this story quite a lot. The ending bothered me though. Wasn't it bad enough that he was being separated from her? Did you have to kill him? *is sad*
Ah well, the author's heartlessness aside (;)) a very nice story indeed.
*thumbs up*
Great job!
~GryphonFledgling
oh no! that's a great story, and I agree completely with the accent thing
I loved this poem! I love James! lol. I love British boys and their accent!!
The poem was sweet yet sad in the end but I loved it!
A good attempt in writing a short story! Write more!
Ooh. This was sad, but also very well written, Ashley. I really liked it. It was strange, I felt like each part was it's only little piece, pretty standing alone, but also very nice put together. A few comments:
I think "void" would be a better word than space.
I like this sentence. *beams*
You mean "pricks"?
1) How can something be crowded with noise?
2) The phrase "boisterous noise" is a little redundant. This sentence might just be better if you said the airport was crowded and noisy. Quick and concise.
1)Than should be then.
2)This needs commas.
3)You're missing end punctuation.
---
This was very nice, Ashley. One major thing: I don't know if I like the ending. You don't expect the plane crash until it comes on TV, but the moment it does, you know His Plane has crashed. The thing is, your false start (It's Oklahoma) tips us off to what's coming. Plus, it's quite uncommon to hear about two plane crashes in one day. It's more believable if it's just James'.
Hope this helps,
Haley